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Where Has the Time Gone?

2010-01-21T10:49:00.001-06:00

Has it really been so long since my last post? Obviously. It is already nearly February of 2010. I wonder if anyone ever checks this blog anymore other than people adding spam comments to old posts?

I have been thinking a lot about the friends who I kept in touch with through this blog. Is it ever too late to correspond with an old friend? Is it ever too late to reconnect and try to reestablish a friendship?

Currently, I am more interested in following other people's blogs than my own although I have thought of creating a new blog entirely focused on creative endeavors like those cards and ATC's I used to post here.

Then again I could try to revitalize this sad, long ignored blog...

If anyone is still out there reading, I would love to hear from you.

My Cuttlebug

2008-10-17T16:48:00.002-05:00

I haven't been posting often, but I have been busy. Now, maybe someone out there will notice I did not post September's artist trading card and you are right. When I tried taking picture of all of them before I handed them out, I only encountered technical difficulties and lousy picture after lousy picture. I intend to attempt to take a picture of the card I kept so you can see the design. But of note (to me at least) is that the day I worked on my September ATC's was the day I bought my Cuttlebug machine and from that moment on I have been embossing and cutting like a fool.

The following two cards are for men...a couple of my uncles to be more exact whose birthdays are this month.

This first card is actually very similar to my September ATC as I even used left over background paper I had made for those. Do you see those swirls? Those were done with my Cuttlebug. And do you see the ovals? Those were done using my Spellbinder's Nestabilities dies cut and embossed with my Cuttlebug.

Do you see the white and brown mesh looking paper? Cuttlebug and the Cuttlebug Mesh embossing folder designed by Christine Adolph (the same who designs the lovely stamp lines with Stampington).

Here is another card I made for someone who loves purple (could you tell?). Notice the panel behind the flowers? That is the Textile Cuttlebug embossing folder designed by Christine Adolph. And the borders are made using Martha Stewart Craft's Doily Lace border punch which I finally found at a Michael's in Dallas when I went to visit a friend of mine. Did I mention that I brought along my Cuttlebug and Cuttlebug embossing folders and my friend spent one night and the next morning happily embossing away and then went out that week to buy her own Cuttlebug? Yes, I am an enabler.

The polka dot brackets are from a set by Inque Boutique and the oval a Nestabilities die cut and embossed using my Cuttlebug of course. And the squares were also cut using Nestabilities. These dies are fantastic and I buy a set a month as I have a VIP coupon from Cut@Home.

And lastly for now here are the artist trading cards (ATC's) for the Vintage Halloween theme:

I think they came out pretty well. I used Kiwi Kiss from Stampin' Up! for a punch of color with the black and white--I love this color! The scary cat face is from Paper Source (when I was in Dallas I bought it), the cat with the swirly tail is from Papertrey Ink's Spooky Sweets II set, the beware stamp is from Pink Paislee's Trick or Treat set. And yes, I used my Cuttlebug for the black cardstock base which I embossed with the wonderful Swiss Dot embossing folder and I cut the black cat heat embossed on the vellum with a scalloped oval Nestabilities die.

Lately I have been hard at work on my Halloween party invitations. They include the same Kiwi Kiss color, black, white and some other colors for good meassure. I will try to post some pictures at some point.

More Cards

2008-08-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

I thought I would share a few more cards made recently before I am off for my trip to see family (and hopefully that includes my year old twin cousins).

First up is a card I made for a maternal male cousin turning 10. This card was done without any real thought. I just pulled things out and tried things out and hoped it would work out. It turned out to be something I really liked.

Below is a card for my only paternal female cousin that I hope to see this week for the first time in well over 5 years. The card ends with the green.

This is a card and the envelope I made for my friend, Erin, who is moving into a new phase of her life.

Here is a better picture of the card alone:

Some more birthday cards for friends (notice a color theme on the last two?):

This is a card I made last night for an aunt I am going to see this week. I hope she likes it!

Have a great week! I know I will.

Some More Cards

2008-08-06T16:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, another post in less than a month! First, I apologize for the quality of the pictures. I have mentioned more than once that I am no photographer.

Here are some more Artist Trading Cards with an "Orient Express" theme to share from my trade last night. It is hard to tell, but in the background is a train on the right and the skyline of Istanbul behind the image of the woman (by Dawn Houser, Inkadinkado).

I also wanted to share a card I made for my twin cousins' 1st birthday (yes, they are MUCH younger than I am). For some reason the card looks very crooked, but I don't remember it being that way. The stamps were bought especially for this card from Papertrey Ink (Bitty Baby Blessings) plus the kraft cardstock, aqua mist cardstock and ribbon are from Papertrey Ink as well. Can you faintly see the tiny sailboats on the onesies? The Bitty Baby Blessings stamp set is downright adorable and I was so excited to try them out on my cousins' baby cards especially as one of the sayings was "Good Things Come in Multiples" perfect for twins, right? I was also excited about the color combination. Have I mentioned my love of Papertrey Ink? The dots are from metallic white craft paint which I also used on the ATC's above. I do tend to use similar products for a while much like I can listen to the same CD for months.

Before July Ends

2008-07-29T15:10:00.002-05:00

Gracious it has been a lot time since I posted anything! To be honest I had lost some of my enthusiasm for blogging...a new puppy, computer issues (does anyone else deal with quirky computers?), catching up on all my work at work, doing a lot of things at home (like sifting through 20 years of papers) and such does have a way of cutting into my blogging. Plus, right now I am more interested in other people's blogs than my own.

With that said I have been meaning to share a few things I have made in the last couple of months.

Here are *very* simple father's day cards for my grandfathers. At this point I can't remember if I even made my dad a card (another problem is I have more memory issues than usual of late).

Here are Artist Trading Cards I made for this month's trade with a Star theme (that is Greta Garbo).

Hope you are enjoying the summer wherever you may be!

Bright Bird

2008-06-05T16:33:00.003-05:00

Happy June! I thought I would share with you all the Artist Trading Cards (ATC's) I made for June's trade. The theme was Creative Challenge using rubber stamps...my! what a hard challenge since I never use rubber stamps. Actually, I have to hold myself back from all the tempting stamps, papers, inks, paints, embellishments, books and the like. I can talk for hours with friends about products, companies and blogs.

Here is the picture of the ATC's I made entitled "Bright Bird":

Right now I go to Nichole Heady's blog {capture the moment} a lot. She once designed for Paper Crafts Magazine (a really great magazine for ideas for cards and other projects) and now co-owns and designs clear stamps for a marvelous company, Papertrey Ink. What is also amazing is that Nichole Heady is only 28, is married with 3 kids which makes me feel rather old and lazy...anyway, have fun looking at her work, the Papertrey Ink design team's work and enjoy Papertrey Ink's products! I am excited about this month's releases.

Too Adorable

2008-05-29T16:00:00.001-05:00

Here are a couple of other pictures for you to enjoy of Remy. You can more clearly see his blue-gray coloring against the verdant grass and clover. Remy is so cute that even my horrendous photography captures his appeal.

New Addition

2008-05-28T16:05:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday we added to our family. Leia's death left a huge hole that we have known would need to be filled.

Our latest addition: Remy (full first name is Remington) who is a tiny, wild, little blue (gray) male chihuahua with green eyes. He was born on April 1st and is one smart little man. He is already coming to the office and charms all who see him.

Without further ado here is Remy:

Hobson's Choice

2008-05-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

I have considered deleting yesterday's post, but that is me in all my unglory so I think I will let it stand. I do thank you, dear reader, for your patience with my petulance. At another point in my life I would have remained firmly entrenched in my self-pity, but I don't want to do that anymore. Even if things are occassionally bad I still have so much to look forward to and enjoy. Plus, I am moving forward in several ways and I hope evolving however slowly.

I saw a sweet film on Monday night on TCM entitled Hobson's Choice. It is about the eldest daughter of an alcoholic shop owner in Victorian England grabbing hold of her destiny in her very capable hands and marrying the talented, demure bootmaker at her father's shop. The wonderful thing is the evolution of the bootmaker as he becomes more confident with the help of the woman who believes in him without reservation. It is a funny, sweet and charming British film with some lovely performances by a stellar cast including Charles Laughton as Hobson (the father), John Mills as Willie (the bootmaker) and Brenda De Banzie as Maggie (the daughter) . I would recommend this little gem for those with any romance in their souls or in need of a dose of hope.

Stinking

2008-05-20T12:33:00.000-05:00

I have come to the realization that I truly stink at being a friend. Hell, I stink at being a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter and a niece. I stink as a student. I stink as a employee. I stink as a patient. Am I having a good pity party? You bet. A huge lavish one. I can throw those like the best of them. I am good at self-pity. I am good at complaining. I am good at being lazy. And I am good at sticking my head in a book and hoping the world passes me by and I disappear into a pile of ash.

Okay, it is time for me to dust myself off and realize it is not the end of the world that I failed. Well, failed pretty miserably in all my relationships. I am not universally abhorred yet only a very flawed person with profound interpersonal difficulties. At least that means I have a lot to improve upon. And I can grovel. It is one of my endearing/annoying traits.

Minor Annoyances

2008-05-19T11:13:00.001-05:00

Maybe one or two of you have noticed I haven't written in a month. I have been experiencing aging and one the lovely byproducts of aging: decline in health. In the past several months I have come to the realization that I am falling apart on various levels. I am not that old nor have I lived much of a life much less a hard one and there it is. Nothing very serious, but it all adds up. Maintenance is now taking a healthy chunk of whatever money I have. And being someone cheap about spending money on my health I don't like it one bit. I rather spend money on important things like books and magazines. Oh well. It was bound to happen. I had been lucky thus far. No broken bones. No serious accidents or illness.

At least mentally I am still pretty darn dopey although occasionally cranky if I am in pain. My energy level is even lower though than it used to be and anyone who knows me can attest that is frightening as I have the energy of a slug on a good day (perhaps that is unfair to the slug as he is only slow--a better animal is the koala as the only thing they eat actually doesn't give them sufficient energy).

All in all life is good. Even the annoying parts are just that--annoyances to work through and perhaps help to appreciate what isn't annoying and trying.

Belated

2008-04-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a college friend's birthday. Of course I am still working on her card as I just can't get it right. It isn't a work of art even at its best, but it needs to be something that shows how much I care especially as I haven't spoken with her for months now. Why do I let so much time elapse? Why do I hesitate to write or call friends and family back? Why do I let days, weeks and then months (or even years) go by before responding?

I remember during the summers I would go a month or two without talking to my closest friend at the time. Both of us were too involved in other things and we didn't mind the time spent without talking...it made no difference in our friendship. I suppose this is what it is to be at heart a loner and a homebody. It is hard to explain how wrapped up you can become in your own mind, thoughts and world unless the other person is likewise occupied.

The Joy of Tasters

2008-04-18T12:56:00.002-05:00

I made Let's-Put-Everything-In-That-Isn't-Tied-Down pasta last night. Originally it was going to be pasta with Italian sausage and broccoli rabe, but I thought I should use the broccolini in the refrigerator and then there was some cherry tomatoes sitting out that needed to be used too.... In the end the pasta also had some garlic, extra virgin olive oil, saffron, red pepper flakes and tomato paste added too. On the top freshly grated parmesan cheese. Taster A (I must protect the innocent, but there has to be a better way to distinguish my tasters. Still thinking about names from mythology) felt it was lacking something. Taster B had two helpings and really enjoyed it (also took some to work to eat for lunch). Taster C thought it was good, but not what she wanted last night.

I have noticed a trend. Taster A and Taster B don't often agree about what they love. When Taster A is ecstatic about dinner, Taster B may respond by saying: "This is chicken? Are you sure? What did you put in this? I just can't place it." I reply and ask whether he likes it: "I am not sure. It isn't disgusting." High praise indeed. Another thing he will comment with is: "It is edible." Wow, what a glowing compliment!

When Taster A doesn't like something she'll say: "It wasn't my favorite thing. It could use something. It isn't as favorable as your other dishes." Keep in mind that she says everything with her facial expressions. Taster A could kill a person with her dark and withering scowl or make your stomach tense up with a look of pure and unvarnished disgust. Her face can say: you are worse than sewage or dumber than dirt. Although when she likes something she is very enthusiastic: "Everything was delicious! The rice was cooked perfectly. The chicken was so moist and tender. That asparagus rocked!"

Tasters are finicky or at least mine are as I can only satisfy 2 out of 3 at the best of times. You slave over a hot stove, spend ages cleaning up after your mess and this is the payback? Yes. One person happy with the meal and it was all worth it.

Blast From the Past

2008-04-17T13:41:00.001-05:00

This was a draft post dated September 28, 2007...I think it is time to dust it off and publish the sucker. Please remember that I was writing about the past and it may not properly reflect what I now feel. I have been working on my perception as perception is so incredibly important! In fact your mind can persuade you of quite remarkable things and some of them aren't healthy in the slightest.

I have been meaning to share a very special blog with you, dear reader. I think the minute you begin reading Orangette you realize what a blog should be: personal, warm, friendly, witty, informative, whimsical and charming. In fact, it is little wonder that Molly met her husband through her blog. For a lovely little real life romance centered around food (a certain lemon cake actually) check out the link to their Food Network profile.

I think this brings home how blogs can bring people together. I know that in the food blogging world (yes, there is one) fellow bloggers have established friendships exchanging ideas, tips, stories, recipes and information. They also actually visit each other. I find this sweet and amazing as I find it hard to even catch up with friends that live in the same city. I think it opens my eyes to what lives other people lead that seem to have sweeping vistas.

For me most trips are carefully, nearly painfully pondered where I have to skirt around possible problems and constraints: financial, time, logisitics, not to mention the huge clothing dilemna. I make everything much harder than it should be and it is all due to insecurity on my part. The actual travelling I relish, it is the process prior to the journey that bothers me. I have this fear of what people from my past will think of me to the point I have hidden when I have seen someone from high school in a store. This is arrogant on my part as I don't think they would necessarily remember me anyway. I usually remember people while they forget. The problem is this fear extends to family and friends. I hide from them too. When I didn't I had to prepare myself for it and I wasn't always successful....

In July of 2003 I went to a college friend's wedding in Maine. The trip in general was fantastic and the wedding lovely, but the night before the wedding I was struck with such waves of sadness, embarassment and a sense of not belonging or fitting in that I couldn't eat (a highly unusual occurance for me) and sat reading some local paper fighting back tears for which I luckily snapped out of later that evening and was in good spirits for the rest of the weekend. Still, I felt awful about my moodiness and inability to deal with the emotions in a "normal" way. In the back of my mind the episode only reinforced my own ideas of being socially inept and too damaged to be much of a friend. I had faced a similar situation at my maternal grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary a few years before in which I felt paralyzed by a feeling of profound alienation and shame at being me whilst surrounded by family.

The years following college I had a crisis of identity and I forgot how to related to others. My world became smaller and smaller as I tried to find meaning and understanding about myself. My route diverged from the norm quite radically. I didn't pursue a career nor did I pursue a romantic relationship. My feelings of alienation only increased until I became isolated, anxious, and ashamed. I assumed it would be better to stay out of people's lives than corrupt them. Yes, dear reader, I was maudlin.

Links and the Mighty Dollar

2008-04-16T13:26:00.000-05:00

It only took me 10 months or so to add links to the blogs I have mentioned. Nothing like promptness to keep this blog active and fresh! I think I could mention dozens if not hundreds of blogs. So, I will only add to my list when I actually blog about them. How cool is it that the woman behind Cupcake Project left a comment on my blog thanking me??? Pure class. I will never stop marvelling at how people can find you in this vast world of ours.

On to another subject a couple of Saturdays ago (or three who can keep track which is why I blog and journal) was a day to weed through old cookbooks. We are talking about microwave and lite cookbooks along with other cookbooks mostly dating from the 1970's and 1980's. Five boxes later we took them to our local Half Price Books and received less than $40.00 for the lot (including some stellar dvd's like Honey) which we burned through (and more) with new purchases that fit into a single bag. A lesson in the value of the dollar and inflation, dear reader! What is even more enlightening is that we were estatic with that they took everything. What a feeling of freedom and lightness!

Another Friday Night

2008-04-16T11:51:00.001-05:00

This Friday night I couldn't fall asleep so I watched AMC's Fear Friday. I remember the AMC of old which showed wonderful classic films without commercial interruption much like TCM today. There was even the AMC host Bob Dorian who introduced the films. Do movie hosts have to have Bob as a name to be considered? Think of TCM's main movie host Robert Osborne and then the much missed Joe Bob Briggs who used to be on TNT. Then again on AMC the other host was none other than George Clooney's father Nick Clooney--no Bob there.

I discovered this blog post about the evolution (or perhaps devolution) of AMC. I could not agree more, although it is best not to look backwards. At least the new AMC is being bold with its original shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad...that is progress. I do like the concept of Fear Friday as well, but I found myself really distracted and annoyed with the numerous commercial breaks. Every commercial increased my appreciation for TCM and made me long for the old AMC more.

Last Friday they were showing Brian De Palma's The Fury. I had seen this movie several years before, but I couldn't remember much of it other than some teenagers with incredible psychic abilities going insane. I did not remember Kirk Douglas as the secret agent (spy) father of a psychic son kidnapped and willing to do anything to get his son. The son is played by Andrew Stevens the son of Stella Stevens (I mistakenly thought Connie Stevens was his mother) who happened to be in a lot of tv movies and shows in the early 1980's and he often played someone with a disturbing intensity: a stalker or a young man who prefered wealthy older women, but had the vibe of Joseph Cotton's character in Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt. The young woman who is just discovering her psychic abilities is Amy Irving (has anyone seen Crossing Delancey with her in it? It is a family favorite).

I think this viewing of the movie I particularly enjoyed all of the disparate threads that make up this film. The Fury is a curious mix of cloak & dagger, action film with horror/psychic film added in for good measure. There is death from the usual car crashes and gunfire, but also from extreme loss of blood that is a hallmark of horror films. There are beaches in the Middle East under attack, covert government agencies without restraint and ruthless power, exclusive all girl high schools, luxurious scientific foundations discovering psychic abilities and a huge remote estate. If you look closely you will see a very young Daryl Hannah and Laura Innes. With a larger role is Dennis Franz as a New York cop of all things.

I won't write a summary of the film as I am terrible at them, but if you enjoy 1970's horror based upon powerful psychic ability and some over-the-top blood scenes not to mention levitation and blue glowing eyes you will have fun with this one.

Cupcakes

2008-04-10T11:17:00.005-05:00

I have been very inattentive lately. I think I have had other things on my mind. Still, it is already the 10th of April and unforgivable if I continued to leave my blog sadly empty. Recently I have been really interested in cupcake blogs. One or two of you may remember I wrote about a cupcake blog many moons ago. Cupcakes happen to be a very popular subject for blogs. I subscribe to one: Cupcakes Take the Cake that culls the internet for news on cupcakes and delivers it to its cupcake-happy readers several times a day.

One blog they recently introduced me to is Cupcake Project. This is a blog with a mission and purpose. It began as a way to chronicle the baking of cupcakes for the blogger's friends' wedding and after that success she is baking for Bride & Groom 2.0 as she calls them. You can read all about it--her cupcake triumphs and not-so-triumphant cupcake experiments there. I love how she chronicles the tasters' reactions.

I think I may need to have tasters and also cute nicknames for everyone. I am thinking gods and goddesses, as I love mythology. If you are particularly taken with a certain god or goddess please let me know. If you wish to become a taster you must love food and be adventurous. As it is usually somewhat difficult to deliver food across state lines without great expense and trouble, being near me may also be critical....

By the way, as much as I wish I could claim credit for the lovely cupcakes at left, they aren't mine, but an image I found at UW Libraries Blog of all places (talk about perfect combination: cupcakes and books!).

Hatless?

2008-03-31T12:03:00.002-05:00

There are many things you can miss in life...one such thing for me are women wearing hats on Easter Sunday at church. I have never seen it, not once. I haven't even worn a hat for any other reason than it being cold, playing softball with family or occasionally for Halloween. I take that back now...when I went to St. Thomas for my friend's wedding this past July, I bought myself a straw hat as my single souvenir (Although I did receive a gorgeous larimar pendant later on from another friend and her family as the most thoughtful and generous of souvenirs of our time together. Larimar is only found in the Caribbean and I fell in love with the creamy blue-green stone whilst there. See the picture at right for a sample of larimar) and I walked the beach and sat by the pool in that chocolate brown straw hat with mother of pearl buttons.

My sister is actually a lover of hats and has several although I am not sure she has worn them out in public. I wonder why she doesn't wear them? Why do women not wear smart little hats like they used to? Think of those stars in the 1930's and 1940's in their dresses and suits and those beautiful hats crowning their glossy upswept hair the alluring lacy netting seductively partially shrouding their lovely faces. Or perhaps a hat like the one Greta Garbo wears above (but let's face it, Garbo could have worn anything and looked beautiful). I think hats can tease and flirt. I think we little a more elegant playfulness in our lives now.

What brought hats to mind was listening to a program with a woman who is a proponent of bringing back hats. What do you think of hats, dear reader? When have you worn a hat? Have you ever bought a hat because you were drawn to it?

Roasted Sweet Potatoes with honey-lime glaze

2008-03-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

I am very behind on posting about Sunday meals I have made, but I will post this recipe for you all because I made it for a second time last night and I really enjoy it as it is spicy, sweet, savory, tart, earthy and fresh all in one bite.

The recipe is from Cuisine at Home which is a wonderful cooking magazine. Every single recipe I have tried from their magazine or cookbooks has been delicious and sometimes they become incredibly longed for (like the southwestern turkey breast and cornbread stuffing we made for Thanksgiving or the fruit salad with a jalapeno-lime sauce made for Christmas brunch).

Roasted Sweet Potatoes with honey-lime glaze
Cuisine at Home, February 2008
Makes 8 cups; Total time: 45 minutes.

Ingredients:

3 ½ lb. sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1” chunks
1/3 cup olive oil
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Salt to taste
½ cup honey
¼ cup fresh lime juice
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
Chopped fresh cilantro

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 425 °F.
2. Toss sweet potatoes with olive oil, cayenne and salt in a large bowl until coated. Transfer to a baking sheet and roast until fork tender, about 25 minutes.
3. Whisk together honey, lime juice, and cinnamon in a small bowl while potatoes roast. Once potatoes are tender, coat with glaze and roast 5 minutes more.
4. Garnish with cilantro.

Another Interesting Search

2008-03-27T12:39:00.001-05:00

I have five posts of varying degree of completeness written for this month and guess what I am going to post about? Read on to find out.

I was searching for a particular book as a friend requested some recommendations of steamy novels that won't disappoint and I went in search of one I read several years ago by Lisa Valdez by the title of Passion. Sex with a very well endowed stranger at a public exhibition in Victorian London...what is there not to like? The author's website has inexplicably disappeared in the few months since I last went there to check on the progress of her next novel Patience which has been delayed in being published for years now and has no set publication date.

In my search I stumbled upon a blog, It's My Blog And I'll Say What I Want To! (which has since moved) that made me laugh and a previous entry really snagged my attention.

The entry's title you may wonder:

I Guess Sperm Really Is Good For The Skin...

Yes, dear reader, I am that concerned about skin care (and my mind is often in the gutter).

UPDATE: Lisa Valdez's website is up and running again so if you want to read an excerpt of Passion or Patience follow the links.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2008-03-17T10:58:00.000-05:00

I happen to be more than a quarter Irish that I think may be the largest portion of any single ethnicity as I am a veritable mutt. Even my surname speaks of my Irish heritage. When my father was born a nurse actually expressed pity for him because his entire name was so incredibly Irish. Personally, I think my dad's name has a very lyrical and lovely quality to it. I have great pride in my Irish surname and believe it is beautiful. My last name conjures up happy memories of my father's family--each person endues the name with warmth, laughter and happiness. I think I associate all of that with being Irish or at least that is our Irish heritage.

I wish you all a wonderful St. Patrick's Day whether you be 100% Irish or have not a drop of Irish blood!

Happy Pi Day

2008-03-14T15:23:00.000-05:00

Today is 3/14 or otherwise known as Pi (3.14159265358979323846…) day to celebrate that magical number we knew, used and perhaps even loved back in the day we were in school (one friend being a math major I am sure encountered it more than the rest of us).

Any reason to celebrate is good enough for me especially if the food to eat today is the delicious pie. Any kind of pie is worthy today to commemorate: apple pie; cream pie; pumkin pie; chess pie; cherry pie; meat pie; quiche; lemon meringue; chocolate mousse pie; peanut butter pie; custard pie; mince pie; pecan pie...the possibilities are as endless as the number Pi!

I think I will have some key lime pie myself.

Leap Day

2008-02-29T13:51:00.001-06:00

This is going to be a very short and quite useless post just so I take advantage of being able to have a post on February 29th. I won't have this chance for another 4 years and who knows what the circumstances will be then? Lately I have been thinking a lot of the future not entirely of my volition, but because change is inevitable and evident. Perhaps it is reaching another birthday and everyone else aging yet another year or perhaps it is the situation of what could loom in the future considering my family. I am more cognizant than ever of the obligations I have and what my position in my family means and for once I am not depressed or overwhelmed by what may be.

I hope dear reader that you are doing well this Leap Day. I am doing exceedingly well.

Trio of Movies

2008-02-21T12:21:00.001-06:00

I watched three mainstream movies this weekend. I have found that with any movie you can find something substantial and poignant in them (even when you have to really look or it may be the absense of or lack of something which is most remarkable). What you may most notice in any given film is often dependent on where you are at as a person when you watch them.

I finally watched "The Bourne Ultimatum" Saturday night. I have thoroughly enjoyed each movie in the trilogy for their kinetic pace which seems to mimic what must be going on in mind of the protagonist who has lost his memory, but none of his killing instinct and skill. What I took out of the last film is that no matter what you have chosen in the past or even done in the past, at every moment you can choose another path. One of the greatest tragedies is to believe you are without choice and must remain on a fixed course counter to your integrity and ethics.

I watched "A River Runs Through It" again in its entirety Sunday night on TCM. This is Oscar month on TCM where they air Oscar winning and nominated films. I have always enjoyed "A River Runs Through It" for its slower pace and sense of place and the connection with nature. Two things struck me this time watching it: first, Paul, the younger brother who lives life fiercely and wildly appreciates people trying to help him even when he can't accept the help and second, the words the father says in the end which I am probably misquoting: "you can love completely without complete understanding". I think that is something I have noted without properly comprehending. A lot of love is about trust and faith concerning the unknown aspects of others.

Also Sunday night I watched "The Jane Austen Book Club". It is based upon a book of the same name I have been meaning to read since I first heard the author on The Diane Rehm Show when it was first published. Other than being a fairly decent chick flick, there was one scene in which the only guy in the book club is remarking upon Marianne from Sense and Sensibility: "I understand why Colonel Brandon goes for Marianne. It's because she's generous with herself. She's willing to risk her heart. No rules. No fear." For your information, I watched this scene again last night with subtitles to make sure I got it right just for you, dear reader. This bit particularly struck me because I realized that it is perhaps one of the things I most admire in others and yet I am not very generous with myself nor am I much of a risktaker.

Total Eclipse

2008-02-20T14:29:00.002-06:00

Remember that oh so (unfortunately) memorable song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (you haven't lived until you have screeched--and yes, it is necessary to screech or wail rather than sing--that song)? Tonight there will be a total lunar eclipse and there will not be another one until late 2010.

I found this lovely visual aid on NASA's eclipse website to help you properly time your eclipse watching.

Spread the Love

2008-02-14T12:49:00.000-06:00

I had my little temper tantrum yesterday when I was confronted by how much I still hold myself back and limit myself. It is difficult to contemplate that even if love served itself on a pretty sterling silver platter to me I would probably freak out and fling love as far away as possible. It is also unsettling to realize that I am still very much like I was as a girl who felt more comfortable receiving negative attention than positive. Yet, it is best to be honest and to acknowledge how very responsible I am for my situation--it is the only way to own who I am and who I can become. I thank you, dear reader, for keeping with me even when I am petulant and listening.

Perhaps Valentine's Day is a commercialized holiday (what isn't?), but it does help to remind us that we are surrounded by the love and care of others and we likewise love and care. For those of you experiencing this Valentine's Day single remember that the love professed about during this day need not only be the romantic and passionate sort, but indulge in some self-love, familial love, platonic love and love you share with your beloved pets. For those in your life who hate this holiday (and what it may represent to them) be there for them and feel the enriching warmth of being able to help someone else when you are needed. When you need help go to someone you trust and feel suffused in appreciation because they are there for you.

As a friend wrote to me today: "spread the love with your smile today!" There are those in your life for whom your smile/presence is incandescent.

Cat Lady

2008-02-13T13:47:00.001-06:00

I am at the point right now when I haven't a clue what to write--I have no direction. I have started on a few posts this month and then abandoned them because they bored the hell out of me. I have written in my head a pretty pathetic history of my Valentine's Days (it would take about a sentence to sum it all up and is only interesting to someone in the psychology field). To be honest at the moment I don't give a damn how I feel, think, act, react, etc. and I can't see how anyone else would either. I don't feel an impulse or drive to express myself, I don't feel social and I could probably slip away from the world and hibernate for a few months without much of an issue (I have done this in a sense many times in my life). The problem is when I do finally come out of my chosen exile I have to adjust once again--reestablish relationships, make new ones and each year I get older this becomes significantly harder.

It is probably best I don't live on my own or I think I would just lose touch with everyone...I know enough about myself to realize I could very easily end up as that odd loony cat lady. At times I fantasize that I die entirely alone and people think "what a waste of space" or "good riddance" if they think of me at all. There's the truth of it, dear reader: I sometimes feel a queer sense of pride in my isolation, my very oddness or by not following the usual human instincts. I am a little too attracted to destruction, tragedy, ugliness, waste and decay...there is something compelling in both Miss Havisham of Great Expectations and Emily in A Rose for Emily by William Faulkner. What I have always found is that it so much easier to visualize and imagine myself alone than with others.

So, I am trying to make life difficult for myself and stay in the game. Push myself when all I want to do is to sequester. Talk when I want to remain silent. Express myself when I want to close down.

An Experiment: Part I

2008-02-08T12:06:00.000-06:00

I forgot to take pictures of my latest ATC's. I will have to do that soon.

I was thinking of part of a presentation I did my senior year in high school for an independent study project I did. I had the audience by consensus create characters for a historical romance. It ended up being a wacky story premise, but fun for all. I wonder how that would work now? I wonder if I still have the forms I used somewhere in my closet...I am sure I do.

I think I may try a similar exercise here. So think upon your story setting: When? Where? What circumstances besmirch our heroine and hero? Let me know what time period, situation and location you would choose. Most of all have fun and make it dramatic.

Cooking

2008-01-31T16:11:00.000-06:00

I have been working upon a post including recipes of my last two ventures into Sunday Night Dinner. How do people blog and include recipes so regularly? It is beyond me, but I am justifiably awed. I have been reading some more Saveur and M.F.K. Fisher. There is perhaps nothing as tempting as an articulate article or book concerning food to me. Have you ever read about a cooking process in which each sense is employed? How a family's memory can be exemplified by a meal or even a shared dish? How luscious an unknown dessert tastes? I have lists of cookbooks, books and memoirs concerning food that I wish to own and read. Did you know they have culinary themed mysteries with recipes included? I delight in those as well. What is better than food and a murder mystery after all?

In the stacks of reading material next to my bed (Of course I need not include the magazines and books on the bench at the foot of my bed nor the slipper chair now devoted to holding a couple of stacks of magazines and cookbooks nor the stack of magazines on my wooden chest. Let me not also include the books and magazines in my closet, under my bed, those two or three magazines placed on my dresser nor those actually organized on shelves) are various current cooking magazines such as Fine Cooking and at least two cookbooks I am reading through (yes, I actually read them like they are novels when I have the chance). Of course in the process of reading The Tex-Mex Cookbook and the like, I am also reading bits of Northanger Abbey, flipping through various art related publications and less illustrious books. I love the time researching, reading and learning about food as much as actually eating or cooking food. This may be because I am more a thinker (let us not qualify the quantity of my thoughts) than doer. I am not one to jump into doing something without educating myself about it. I wonder why then I spend so much time with cooking related books and dedicate so little time to learning about systems of government, democracy, my government or even citizenship?

I have only recently ventured into visiting websites of Ron Paul, Barack Obama and John McCain. Next I will need to examine Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton--I have given her a lot of slack because I have wanted a serious woman candidate for president. Too often I vote for a rather odd reason: diversity. I will vote Republican if the candidate is a woman or a minority. I try to vote outside the two parties too. My belief being that few candidates actually represent what I want, but I can vote for people to represent more of the population than just white Christian males. I want to promote questions. I want discussion and debate--not ideological bickering, but serious thought on what problems we face, the possible alternatives and ways to compromise. I want politicians to examine and reexamine the details of a decision, which has ramifications for their constituents. If we are going to consider war I want there to be due process before declaring war--I want it to be difficult to commit our troops. I don't want to be told that there is only one acceptable family structure. I do not wish to encourage complaisance and derision of others by touting our country’s superiority. Yes, we are fortunate, but we also always need to grow and improve and we have much to learn from other cultures, countries, religions and governmental structures...to not let empty self-righteousness and arrogance erode what traditions should be continuously remembered and built upon.

Personally, I see many ways we can improve as a nation and as individuals. We are not meant to remain frozen and nature will do everything in her power to cause change. One thing I learned in my cookbooks and ventures into the cooking world is that recipes aren't exact (baking though is more like science) and they are meant as guidelines for a process. We want pat equations and answers and there aren't such things. If you continue to use the same recipe your meal will still not come out exactly the same each time. Much of life is a lot like cooking--you make do with what you have on hand, use your best judgment from experience (ask your family and friends for further help) and improvise as best you can.

Request

2008-01-25T14:11:00.000-06:00

My dear reader, I am calling upon your kindness to help me with the upcoming themes for my artist trading cards. The two themes are PINK or MYSTERY and I must come up with a concept that will fit within the confines of 2.5 inchs by 3.5 inchs.

What do you think of when you think of Pink? When you think of Mystery? I would be delighted to hear your thoughts. I will make certain I share with you the final results which are due on February 5th.

In Review

2008-01-24T13:38:00.000-06:00

I receive various newsletters daily through email (who doesn't?) and one of them recently was from Writer's Digest about tips for blogging. Upon reading their tips I realized I am not blogging according to their tips at all--I am breaking a lot of rules for a successful and popular blog. This includes having a clear purpose or focus for my blog i.e. cooking, politics, books, movies, art or lint if I so choose. One of my failings is that I am not focused hence the name dabbler. If I went according to this tip I would have to have over a dozen blogs and then where would I be? Still, I have considered at least having more of a structure to this blog--I believe it may meander too much and its relevance might be rather limited.

Another tip was to be concise...now sometimes I can be that, but other times I write entirely too much. Yet another tip was to pose questions to my readership to promote interest and interaction. Do I do this? And yet another tip is to frequently and consistently post or you lose readership. Since I have a good half dozen readers I should hate to lose even one of you!

So, dear reader, what are your thoughts? Do you prefer specific blogs? Do you have any suggestions?

Austen to the Rescue

2008-01-23T11:01:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a convergence of negative things happening. I made a list in my journal actually. Bloody nose. Copying machine not working properly (I am easily annoyed when technology goes awry). Talk of recession. Heath Ledger's death. Someone pulling out of the artist trading card trade I organize because they felt it was a waste of their time and money. I felt quite dismayed with it all and in these periods of time I start feeling somewhat battered and wish to go into my little cave.

This time my cave walls happened to be illuminated by the world of Elizabeth Bennet. Even with all the allure of Mr. Darcy, thoughts still intruded to the point I had to reread passages and wondered in dismay (yes, that word yet again!) at my inability to comprehend Jane Austen especially when I take in account this is my third reading of Pride and Prejudice (does this mean my mind is slipping as I reach such a venerable age?). With determination I blocked out the real world listening to Tori Amos on my headphones and I did indeed slip into a happy rhythm.

Yes, I take vacations from my life even though I am well aware that my life in no way is bad. In fact my life is rather uneventful and perhaps that is an advantage to someone with an imagination. In this I do feel some slight kinship to such estimable writers as Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson (please know that I do not flatter myself with any other comparison!). I am not sure if my life were so brimming with activity and excitement I would have the inclination for reflection or for expressing myself.

When trying to find an image to accompany this post, I stumbled upon a wonderful blog (there are so many) called Classical Bookworm which pointed me to a site where some gifted person created a font based upon Jane Austen's handwriting. If you are interested, please read about the process of creating the font and also find some other beautiful fonts you can download for free! As for the image at left, you can find many more from different sources at this delightful site: Molland's.

Random Harvest

2008-01-21T13:23:00.000-06:00

I have been indulging in watching movies and reading novels of a romantic nature lately and yet I could not be more disinclined towards romance personally at the moment (or any time really). I have mentioned such things before and will no doubt bore you, dear reader, with it again that I show a great ineptitude in such areas of life. It is probably because at the heart of it I don't believe I deserve love nor do I have faith in my own power to love with any sort of constancy, regularity nor proper devotion. When my emotions are engaged I am a worse person for it, not better. Yet, it is wonderful to read and watch romances, which are so positive and hopeful.

I think you can find no more romantic film than one I watched on Saturday night. I have never seen the beginning of Random Harvest, but have seen the middle and end on more than one occasion. The hero of the film (the very debonair and elegant Ronald Colman) suffers from amnesia and what could be romantic than amnesia? Throw in the delightful Greer Garson as our brave, constant heroine and you have a winner. I shall not tell you about the plot for fear I will spoil the fun...should you wish to know more you shall have to see the movie for yourself! For anyone with a romantic leaning you can do no better for a movie about the miracle of love.

Finding the Romantic Within

2008-01-14T12:06:00.001-06:00

I have never thought of myself as a girly-girl. I don't like getting my hair done or my nails (nail polish just starts to chip away nearly immediately and I hate that waste of money and energy). I don't enjoy shopping for clothes, although I like clothes and fashion in theory. I like pink fine, but not too much. I like jewelry, but find it mostly gets in the way or gets lost or damaged (I should admit that when I do buy or wear jewelry it is BIG). I don't really like diamonds--they are brilliantly sparkly true, but why not spend money on something more meaningful than a very expensive rock...I would be perfectly content with garnets myself. I have no dreams of a wedding...in fact if I get married I rather elope (it is just too hard to figure out who you are going to invite to a wedding, so it is best to just do it on your own and have everyone feel slighted!) and spend the money on a down payment for a house and have a very lovely party later with excellent food in a comfortable and relaxed setting.

But there are certainly ways I am a stereotypical woman: I LOVE, LOVE Jane Austen. Last night Masterpiece Theatre kicked off their new Masterpiece Classic hosted by Gillian Anderson (they will be announcing the new hosts for Masterpiece Mystery! (summer) and Masterpiece Contemporary (fall) later this year) with an all-new Persuasion. In fact for those who likewise are thrilled with waistcoats, men on horseback, misunderstandings, tart heroines and the like for the next few months every Sunday night on PBS is dedicated to airing the entire works of Jane Austen: "The Complete Jane Austen" (four of the productions are all new and a new biopic about Jane Austen as well). I swoon, I rejoice, and my little heart swells with warm romantic contentment. How can I be upset when I have Jane Austen to look forward to? After watching the sweet Persuasion (which I have been remiss in not reading), I pulled out my copy of A&E's Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth/Jennifer Ehle version which in PBS's wisdom will also be airing) and slipped into a wholly pleasant state.

I had forgotten the seductive appeal of romantic books and film and how I disappear. For however long I read or watch, there is no me. I don't react, I don't think, but rather just observe. It is a blissful state of suspension. Sometimes it is good to be away from your own thoughts and emotions or at least I have always felt so. For a while I may have indulged too readily in my chosen drug, which helps to calm me. It is difficult being an even-tempered person when you have a terribly erratic and tempestuous emotional nature makes your skin feel like it is too tight....

Note: I have been playing with this post for the last couple and days and I am tired of it, so find it as it is--January 16, 2008

Power of Choice

2008-01-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

I have been reading through the most recent issue of Saveur and some back issues. I love the wealth of information in this magazine from their brief memoirs to a sampling of a particular place, culture, family or food item. Lately I will spend free moments reading an issue cover to cover and I feel full upon finishing. This is a magazine about food, but more importantly it is about how every life is enriched and shaped by food and cooking. I appreciate that they delve into the history of foods and how economy, religion, people, location, politics, gender...everything flavors how and why we eat the food we do. For their January/February issue each year they have The Saveur 100: people, places, foods, restaurants and such they admire and love (2008 is the 10th anniversary of The Saveur 100). If you have a chance pick up one of these issues and be amazed by the diverse items that whet your curiosity and appetite.

A big problem now facing us all is how to be conscientious consumers in all things. The green movement not only faces us in our choice of car, appliances, cleaning products, but also in what and how we eat, what clothes we buy and where we buy our products. Often times paying less money may mean paying another price...antibiotics in the meat eaten and clothes made by people in intolerable conditions. How we spend money is more and more a political, ideological, moral and ethical decision. With all the technology at our fingertips and the ability to buy produce from nearly any continent of the planet there comes less knowledge about how these products are produced and transported to our shores. Conversely, there has never been a time when it is more important nor easier to find ways to be cognizant of the provenance of what we buy.

I have been reading and hearing some disturbing information about the food I consume and also the items I purchase for very seductively low prices and I am coming to realize I can't afford to only look at the upfront cost. I believe health wise the hormones in food I consume is causing me to confront issues I find challenging in the most positive of light. I have been speaking with my family about all of this and we are going to research organic foods. I want to know exactly what I am putting into my mouth. I in no way want to encourage the philosophy that profit is more important than all other factors and any means justify the result. When your whole goal is to gain material wealth you will go spiritually, emotionally, morally and mentally bankrupt.

I will try to keep you, dear reader, abreast of my process to cleanse my life, because that is what I am doing. I am going to see that life in all its various forms is worthy of time, attention, energy, contemplation and meaning. To relish the fact that choices matter--big and small and that I have every opportunity and the intoxicating luxury to live my life as I feel is just and right.

Recycle & Resolution

2008-01-09T12:18:00.000-06:00

I went to my monthly artist trading card trade. This month's themes were Recycle & Resolution. My sister helped me to realize what I would recycle. One birthday many, many moons ago my best friend at the time made me a red and blue paint splattered t-shirt with matching socks and bow for my hair. I held onto these items for years and years (I think the bow least of all in all honesty) and last year when I was going through clothes I finally relented and gave up the way too small t-shirt to the rag bin. This by no means was an easy choice...in fact it was somewhat (pathetically) wrenching. My sister told me to grab the only mildly stained by motorcycle oil and such t-shirt and cut it up for the cards. Brilliant I thought! Finally the shirt will be memorialized into a tiny piece of art.

For my other card with the theme of Resolution there is the image of a beautiful young woman collecting flowers and enjoying nature and the life around her. My resolution of sorts was to savor & celebrate life. Now, I am not entirely happy with both cards (I am happier with the Recycle than Resolution) as they are pretty damnably flat (spare and with little embellishment) and yet there is something about them that are like me, just not enough....

See them for yourself, dear reader, below (please note that the poor woman actually does have some skin pigment in the actual cards):

I have so much farther to go! I know I can do 100% times better and I have in the past (there is a feeling in my stomach of wincing when I see them). I wonder if you can go in reverese in development? They look rather infantile to my eyes which means I need to start thinking upon the themes much earlier and experimenting rather than playing it very safe all the time (also finding where all my supplies are so I don't have to avoid techniques because I can't locate what I need to do them). Rather tame indeed! I am going to attempt to submit a card or two (not artist trading cards, but the type you send in the mail) by month's end to a publication with the theme: tantalizing turquoise along with a couple of friends of mine...I am going to push beyond my comfort zone and see if I can actually do anything with vitality!

Bonds

2008-01-08T15:10:00.000-06:00

Habit although not a sexy concept is actually necessary for creating strong relationships. There is nothing like seeing someone or talking to someone on a regular basis to foster a sense of closeness. In college I often lived in the same dorm as my friends and ate dinner with them every evening. After graduation we all went our own way and no matter how you look at it we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what each of my friend eats each night, although I do remember which friend nurses a coffee after dinner, which friend dislikes tomatoes, which one doesn't like sour cream and which friend that eats vegetables by choice. Do they still have the same food preferences? This I am not sure of, but if I were in contact with them on a consistent basis perhaps I would be. I haven't actually communicated with any of them for a while other than sending a holiday card. This is a stage in life when friends that live hundreds of miles away usually take a backburner to working on developing a family and local network of friends and career.

When you fall out of step of meeting up with someone or communicating with them your connection loosens and perhaps slips. Some friendships can survive such distance depending on the level of desire to maintain such friendship on both ends, but most simply disappear until one day you no longer know the friend you once knew so well and they fade into a stranger. Therefore of all commitments of time the most important and vital--outside of those to remain vibrantly, authentically ourselves--are those to others we want to remain in our lives. You have to invest consistently into such relationships and they are work...no relationship is without work as much as we wish to delude ourselves. Some seem easier at times. Other times it is hard to push yourself to keep in touch, or at least it is for me because of one reason or another...low energy for instance. You have to consider though--and I am again taking stock what with the new year--who you want in your life and how to strengthen or revitalize slackening bonds.

Sunday Dinner II

2008-01-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

I made Sunday dinner last night as it was obviously Sunday. I had intentions of taking pictures, but by the time I finish cooking, I am too tired to nicely plate the food and photograph it--I only want to feed the grumbling masses. I am a bit dismayed by my lack of follow through, but there you have it.

Each Sunday is an experiment trying all new recipes and more often than not the product is good, but time beats me up. In fact the average Sunday dinner takes 2-4 hours of cooking and I know that my time management, organization skills and my cooking knowledge & experience could be honed to shorten the time. I am still a relative novice though prone to mistakes...not soaking beans the night before for instance.

Last night's meal:

Cayenne rubbed chicken breasts with avocado-onion salsa (cover recipe of January/February 2008 Everyday Food)
Ultimate Black Beans (February 2008 Cuisine at Home)
Sweet Potatoes with Honey-Lime Glaze (February 2008 Cuisine at Home)

I did experience a headache most of the time I was cooking the beans (begun around 3:30 and served at 8:00) because of the strong onion and garlic smell, but they were very tasty especially topped with queso fresco and few extra shakes of Tabasco.

The glaze for the roasted sweet potatoes was especially wonderful and I wonder if I could use it on nuts with the addition of some cayenne pepper....

As for the chicken breasts, I added much more rubbing seasoning the recipe called for (I ended up practically tripling it)--perhaps because the chicken breasts were large or just because I have a much heavier hand, but regardless of whether I added too much seasoning (according to my sister the chicken was too salty to her taste, but then again she likes less salt than many) or not the avocado salsa tempered the heat and saltiness perfectly (even in my sister's opinion).

In the end, I would happily eat any of the dishes again, although I may need to vacate the kitchen for most of the simmering of the beans or take pills before hand.

Much Rambling and Many Questions

2008-01-04T12:21:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking a lot about writing lately. For many years I have had the desire to write a novel. Most of my friends are aware that I have a love for historical romance and have been attempting to write a novel in that genre with questionable dedication.

I opened up some files containing bits of stories or even a decent start to one version of a story I have been rewriting for nearly half my life. I laughed at the ludicrous melodrama and nearly schoolgirl-like descriptions and interactions between characters. I found some interesting parts of each story, but again they are all wrong and obviously contrived. The voice isn't really mine, the plots unclear to me, the characters too flat and shallow and so on and so forth.

Last night I wrote a page of questions for myself in the hopes I could strip away all the crap and get to the truth of the matter. Perhaps most important of all questions is: Why do I write? All other questions stem from that simple, yet profound question. Sometimes I wonder at my motivation to write. I have encountered masterly storytellers who weave seductive, magical, glittering worlds and people with breathtaking capacity to evoke emotions, images and thoughts with words and I am neither the former nor latter. Still, I have been told I am a good writer at various points in my life.

Writing does require more than weaving a story or evoking emotions though...it requires the ability to convey mundane and jarring truths. Do I know enough of human nature? Do I know a place enough to share all it's charms, idiosyncrasies, the underbelly, how a person is shaped by the character of the land or city in which he or she lives? Have I been a keen observer or lost in my own delusions and fantasies? Do I actually listen? Do I really know anyone?

I am best at constructing questions for myself that are in all likelihood entirely unnecessary and a means to avoid doing, as I fear doing in many aspects. I fear not living up to the expectations of family and friends who believe in me. I fear not living up to my own dubious expectations. I actually fear writing a decent novel and the prospect of writing another and another with the expectation they will surpass the previous.

In the end, the fears and expectations are all meaningless and perhaps only doing is what matters. I have begun to see that any writing--here on this blog, in my personal journal, random notes, correspondence--is doing. I feel I am changing my perception of who I am, what my place is, where I wish to go, what I want to do, still I have a gnawing need to express myself. I write because I am freer and more assured in writing than in person. I am desperately uncertain and disjointed in person and will say things that boggle me in reflection for being so inaccurate, inarticulate and false. My body language is not fluid or natural because I feel my body is foreign—there is a disconnect from what I think and feel and what I do. I come off as aloof because I feel unable to express myself properly. In writing I am comfortable and I can in that moment be whole.

It is high time I integrate everything and be a bit less of an awkward, jittery marionette in person. I imagine that if I stopped detaching from and being ashamed of my body much would improve, even my writing. I can't even imagine the difference it would make, but it is well worth finding out....

Holiday Catch-Up

2008-01-03T13:38:00.000-06:00

I mentioned holiday cards quite often in my blog and I actually made a very few, carefully deciding on which friends (poor family are always the first to be shortchanged). I had already made invitations and invited my local friends to a holiday party so they were quite easy to cut from the list. Then I decided there were a few I had promised (and wanted to make, plus when I promise someone it helps to motivate me to actually do it) a handmade card. My creativity was limited this past year and stuck in tag form it seemed. They are an easy form to add to and embelish and yet you can use the end product as a bookmark, hang it on a door or even a tree (although it is rather large). As I thought they are very similar to the holiday invitations, but a bit different too. For each person I chose a word for them...sort of a hope or prayer for them and then I wrote something truly sappy on the reverse side. I do hope by this time they all received their card!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T10:17:00.000-06:00

Perhaps you thought I had abandoned you, but that is not true. I tried to write posts in the month of December as things had happened and yet they were tepid attempts at best. As 2008 begins I wanted to make sure I ended the unintended silence.

I am not sure I believe in resolutions (probably because I don't follow through), but I do believe in having dreams and aspirations for the future. New Year's is a convenient time to begin anew. It's a lovely even date to begin charting the rest of your life. Still what it doesn't address is that each day you need to wake up and see it as a new start, a new beginning. A friend told me he sees New Year's as any other day and I think it is because he tries everyday to make it matter--he has no need to make resolutions...to have a wake up call to examine his life because he does it all the time. It is difficult to remain aware of your life, to be present for the mundane as well as the extraordinary, to listen to someone even as they wander into topics which bore you (say break fluid), to not want to rush through the slow parts to get to the more interesting ones....

Something wonderful occurred in 2007. I believe people come into your life for a purpose or rather that each person who enters your life can teach you something. There was someone who taught me (unbenownst to them!) that no matter how low I felt I still had hope and there was still something redeeming in me. This person also taught me to look at others and see that they too may hurt and need some simple kindness. I learned that rather than protecting oneself from pain to feel, reach out and try because I could heal from rejection. I began to like a strength in me I had scoffed at and feared for far too long. I began to forgive myself for my mistakes and errors. I felt I had done enough penance and even the injured party had forgiven me years before. I stopped looking back at my life full of recrimination, guilt and regret. My actions in the past made sense. When I did not like how I may have acted in the past I still saw the reasoning behind it and realized how I may be able to change it in the future.

I did not do all this entirely alone. Always I had friends and my family (and dogs). In 2007 I finally could not only recognize how blessed I was...I felt it. I encountered some wonderful new friends who helped to illuminate a potential future completely of my own making and who made me laugh at the silly and the grave parts of life. I tried to reconnect with old friends who meant a great deal to me. I have only been partially successful with the reconnection, but I have begun and that is enough for now. I realize that life is not in the results, but in the process no matter how messy, confusing and frustrating.

I wanted to thank everyone for their support and well wishes concerning the death of little Leia. It was difficult and yet a lesson I take to heart. I am still saddened by her death, but I have faith and I have hope which I may not have had only a few short months ago and when my faith and hope was not enough I had my friends and family. Life is good.

In the end I wish to live my life in a manner that honors who I am and my beliefs. I believe that 2008, like 2007, will be a monumental year. I hope you too are as fortunate as I am! Happy New Year (and day!).

Our Princess

2007-12-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Amongst the merriment of holiday parties, baking (and eating) cookies, decorating our house like candyland, the joyous noice of friends laughing and talking came an event that reminded me that there is a reason we savor the chances we have to be with our loved ones.

This past Sunday night in a most unexpected way during the second party we hosted at our house this weekend our 2 1/2 year old yorkshire terrier--whose full name is Leia Amadala Elizabeth with the title of princess--died (her name as a puppy was Princess and although she certainly thought herself as royalty, I wanted to give her a more formal name).

My mother climbed the stairs cradling our poor Pookie (a silly nickname for Leia) in her arms, her eyes already swollen and streaming with tears telling us the bizarre way she literally dropped dead. Less than an hour earlier I remembered Leia's little nails clicking against the floor as she paced in her flittery way and the next she was gone. I cried off and on Sunday night, but cried most the next morning as I got ready for work and at the office.

Leia blossomed when she was allowed to go to work and could be the only dog for several hours a week. She was so well behaved and a delight to clients who came into appointments only to be greeted by an adorable 4 pound silver and tan ball of energy. As I looked at the almonds my eyes teared up because Leia also helped me eat whenever she was around. She would dance and anxiously sit to gain pieces of almond, biscuit, cracker or whatever else I happened to be eating. When someone left the office to run an errand, she would sit or lay at the door awaiting their return. I used to also throw a bone or stuffed dog for her to chase. She made us all smile and made the office a happier place to be.

This holiday season even as you are drowning in shopping lists, wrapping gifts, rushing to one party after another take a moment and appreciate the most important thing about the holidays and life: the relationship with people you love and care about and the animals that grace us with their unceasing love and profound joy.

Divine & Regal Inspiration

2007-11-30T16:16:00.000-06:00

On Green Pepper Press Network Street Team this month's crusade (which I am participating in a very last minute way although I have had nearly all of this post written and saved for well over a week) pertains to who or what inspires you. I have thought about it in various levels of intensity since I found out about the latest challenge. Inspiration is a consuming interest to me and it has always informed more than art to me. I began to write a very silly post about my "muse" which made the question all the more complicated than it really is.

A friend of mine helped me realize the enduring essence of my inspiration. Each of us has themes which weave through our lives and make themselves known to us by their multiplicity and commonality. They are so prevalent and so pervasive they may even be overlooked. My muse must have her due though as she is a goddess: she is Athena. No matter where I am, or whatever else I think I always return to Athena and the values she represents: wisdom, justice, fairness, bravery, craft, reason, resourcefulness and cunning.

The image above is from a tarot card from the Goddess Tarot Deck by artist Kris Waldherr (her websites are wonderful--start at Art and Words) given to me by a friend who knew of how much I admired Athena.

I have three more goddesses who inspire me: Persephone, Queen of the Underworld; Psyche, goddess of the soul and Hestia, goddess of the hearth and home. Recently I would add Hecate, goddess of crossroads and Queen of the Night, a complicated and intriguing goddess to my list of Greek goddesses (I am in the process of moving beyond only my beloved Greek mythology, although I shall always prefer it to Roman).

Mythology calls to me in an indelible way which encompasses so many realms of my life. It informs my desire that all things have depth of meaning and have a dynamic historical narrative and precludes simplicity, but dictates strength, beauty, richness, complexity, symmetry, and femininity.

Another strong feminine presence that inspires me is Elizabeth Regina Tudor. I believe to me she is a flesh and blood manifestation of Athena despite her legendary temper and selfish manipulations. Not only does Queen Elizabeth, the persona and icon inspire me, but the land she ruled, the fashions she regaled around court in, the architecture, fabrics, colors, literature and facile and witty mind all call to me.

Do you have a mythical or larger-than-life muse (or muses)?

Of course I have a myriad of other influences and inspirations, but this time I am going to leave it with these glorious archetypes of women.

Holiday Party Invitations

2007-11-15T15:19:00.000-06:00

I have been a bit remiss in my posting, but then again who am I disappointing? It is lovely to feel no guilt! I have been working another post, but it hasn't come together entirely yet so I thought I would share something else instead.

Tuesday night I created the invitations for the upcoming party we are hosting. I made one design and then changed it up a bit with different papers and two different colors. It is a tag again which is not very creative of me, but I figure if I need to take an easy out in order to actually do the invitations then why not? I went with the pale turquoise & green colors because I am currently drawn to the combination. You can't tell in the picture but I outlined the central snowflake with a glittery white (stickles for those familiar with such a product and offhand I can't remember which of the five whites I used).

Now if you receive a holiday card from me this year don't be surprised if it looks familiar....

Beauty Captured in Paint

2007-11-09T13:17:00.000-06:00

Today for some reason I wanted to refresh myself on the art of a fine artist I discovered through Mary Engelbreit's Home Companion which is a magazine I adore. In one issue they showcased a home in which the owners had many lovely pieces of art on their walls and one such painting pierced me--decadent, luxurious, gorgeous, lavishly detailed and reminiscent of European nobility and royalty in the days of the Divine Right of Kings, the painting also had decidedly irreverent and grotesque touches--I was immediately enraptured.

The artist is Julie Heffernan of New York and I searched for her work online some months ago and revisited it again today. Her painting is so intricate and beautiful if not for the touches of decay and the sinister, it would be too much. Like any great pastry chef knows that a dessert must not be too sweet, so does Julie Heffernan know that beauty needs ugliness to juxtapose and ground it.

Don't take my word for it--here is but one example of her work (being sold by PPOW) entitled Self Portrait with Men in Hats 2007 (all her titles begin with Self Portrait and the titles themselves are so humorous):

For more examples of her incredible work go to PPOW. For those like me without the ability to buy the actual art they are also selling a full color catalogue of her latest show, Booty, for $20.00.

Hapless

2007-11-08T14:02:00.000-06:00

I am on a love tirade. How can someone so consumed with something be so inept at it? There was little story clip today on NPR today narrated by a woman about her friend's search for love...this friend had breast cancer and when she would worry about not finding anyone the narrator would actually think: "yeah, she may never find someone." I have thought I was like the single friend (but without a life-threatening disease). By the way, the single friend's story ended up happily. What were my reasons: I wasn't pretty, I was not attractive enough, I wasn't smart enough, I was too boring, too dull, not gregarious enough, not happy enough, too fat, not nice enough, not ambitious enough, too odd, bad skin, too lazy and the list goes on....

When going on dates all these lists of things would berate me and I would feel sorry for the guy I was on the date with and with a sense of relief set him on his way to finding someone better. Dating for me is being exposed and vulnerable to all my fears all at once. Am I good enough? Are my looks tolerable? Do I have enough to offer someone else? Can I meet their expectations? How much will I disappoint them? Can I keep them entertained and interested? And I hate giving anyone the power to judge me and for me to care about their judgment. It was torture because I was so focused on what was wrong or potentially wrong with me and trying to foresee what would be the reason for the inevitable rejection (and honestly feeling better when it happened the rejection happened because I could go back to not being scrutinized).

I also got the sense that the person I was on a date with could take or leave me...they were dating to date rather than out of interest in me specifically. Actually I am not certain when anyone has been interested in me in particular....

There was quote from A Caribbean Mystery, a Miss Marple mystery by Agatha Christie I recently read that struck a chord with me:

“Miss Marple sighed, a sigh that any woman will give however old at what might be considered wasted opportunities. What was lacking in Esther had been called by so many names during Miss Marple’s span of existence. ‘Not really attractive to men.’ ‘No S.A.’ ‘Lacks come-hither in her eye.’ Fair hair, good complexion, hazel, quite a good figure, pleasant smile, but lacking that something that makes a man’s head turn when he passes a woman in the street.”

Why is something that is so basic for so many, so damned complicated and hard for me? Any and all advice would be welcomed to help this hopeless, hapless dabbler!

Rambling

2007-11-06T14:37:00.000-06:00

I believe today is a maturation day. A lot of things are bubbling along in my mind without any real output only a sense of anticipation like something exciting is going to be produced or realized.

Tonight is my ATC trade, which is held once a month. I helped to begin this trade back in 2003 after participating in numerous and various type of art trades online. One of the reasons I thought of beginning this local trade was to meet new people. I go through periods when I brainstorm new and interesting ways to meet people--I dub these my social periods. I am undoubtedly now going through a social period (as opposed to my hermit periods when I have so little social interaction I might as well be a ghost)--scheduling & hosting parties, participating in group activities, thinking of new ideas, working on my correspondence (which never is exactly where I want it to be)....

I am wondering about living a different type of life...a slower, deeper life. Some people move to other countries to escape the hectic pace and demanding lifestyle found in modern day United States. I don't think I need to go that far. I believe doing small things help to make a single day matter: sharing a meal with another person, writing a letter, chronicling the day in a journal, calling a friend, making a birthday card, looking up at the stars, walking and looking around you.... There is no end of things to enjoy.

I do have dreams of living in a place where I can walk through woods and tall grass. I have no idea if I will ever get there, but it will be interesting to find out where life leads me....

Credit: The photo was found at Bay Area Hiker.

More Beast than Beauty

2007-11-05T13:57:00.000-06:00

On days like this I wish I had guest bloggers or a set theme for days to make writing a full post easier. There is always things to write and yet sometimes I lose my way to how to write the myriad of possible topics.

I was listening to NPR (big surprise) and heard a couple of tv writers (the folks currently striking) discussing how they began working together on college radio. Their radio show only had one phone call the entire time they broadcasted. In fact their audience was so small they skipped one night and no one noticed--not even their boss. One good thing about so few people listening to them was they felt a freedom to try and do anything. They ditched the proscribed format and did what they wanted to do. I think I often feel that way with my blog. A few people read, but not many that it constricts me.

This month on TCM they have guest programmers each night who choose 3 to 4 films and they speak about each film before and after with Robert Osborne (how odd am I that I look forward to Martha Stewart's night?). Actually of all the line up's I think I most identify with Whoopi Goldberg's who kicked off the month. There seemed to be a theme about beauty with her choices and included one of my favorite romances of all times: The Enchanted Cottage about two less than beautiful people (she is supposed to be terribly homely--Dorothy McGuire can never even remotely be that and he, Robert Young, is scarred in World War II) marrying, falling in love and "being transformed".

Whoopi Goldberg's first film choice was La Belle et la Bête. I had seen this film before in high school French class, but I believe I was more impressed with the beauty and ingenuity of the special effects and all visual aspects of the film this time. Even though the dialogue is a bit overwrought, I nonetheless wanted Belle to fall in love with the Beast. I want to have my ideals of love affirmed even if only in fairy tales and fantasy. I feel a great affinity with the Beast whereas Belle is too kind, too loving, too beautiful and too noble to seem more than a lovely dream.

I think I truly took this all to heart. I think I see life too much like the stories I read or see on film. In fact most of my life I have thought I was unworthy of love because I could never live up to the ideal of Belle. There is no fairy tales in which the "ugly" woman is valued for her heart, dignity, intelligence and bravery and finds love--they are nasty stepsisters or evil shrews. Beauty in such tales seems to endue the heroine with virtue whereas ugliness equates a twisted soul. When my physical appearance never met with my high expectations, I thought I had failed. I then cast myself in the role of the cursed Beast and I have to admit I hoped for some male counterpoint to Belle--a Beau I suppose you could say--that would somehow see the beauty within me.

I am altogether too prone to desire to structure my life within a more fantastical frame. I am not sure how wise it is to be so starry-eyed and romantic...I have struggled to suppress such a predilection...is it better to be unconflicted or practical?

Holding Back

2007-11-02T16:57:00.000-05:00

When I checked my dabblerextraordinaire@hotmail.com email account this morning I had two comments awaiting me. One from another incredible artist from the Green Pepper Press Network Street Team and then another regarding my "Going to the Draft Pile" from the guy whose cd list I referenced. My first thought was: how amazing is the web when these things can happen? And another was I didn't properly thank him for posting such a comprehensive list and which allowed me to remember. If you have a chance go to his blog--the buKitzone. His most recent post, Reality check, refers to a what a true blogger is according to Matthew Good...I am not going to paraphrase a paraphrase (how do give the proper credit?). Essentially though it is about being authentic and not giving a damn about who may or may not be reading your blog.

I seriously wonder about this statement though. Who doesn't wonder about who is reading what they write? Who isn't at nearly all times reflecting an image of themselves which is not entirely complete? Why do they write? Does opening your whole life and thoughts to others make something more honest or is it merely a compelling need to be seen and heard above others?

I am new to the world of blogging and even when I am involved in something I am never as involved as anyone else (note the title of my blog). I have never been a fanatic about anything or rather I am passionate about a lot of things which makes it impossible to be dedicated to any one thing. My concentration is way too fractured and my commitment level has not been engaged on that level. I don't follow a band or a celebrity. I have never joined a fan club. I will be focused on something for a short time and then my attention is grabbed by something else. Even my so-called obsessions are conditional.

In all ways I hold back. A friend correctly said that about me earlier this week. I hold back to the extent I am not sure what it is I am holding back anymore. Often I hold back because to be a good person at times you must. To be a healing influence you must hold back emotional disturbances. To be a listener you have to bite your tongue. To accept you must withhold judgment. To keep another's secrets you burrow holes within yourself to hide those secrets. To be a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. you keep part of yourself only for them and not for others. To fulfill what others need you may keep your own needs at bay. To be honest I also hold back out of fear, for protection and also for selfish reasons. I will not lie that there is a certain self-righteousness in the act of holding back and pride in being the one to be the person people turn to when they need someone they trust.

Perhaps blogging is about the longing to stop holding back in whatever level or way you decide and to have hope that when you do you find yourself more than you were before....

Holiday Cooking

2007-11-01T15:16:00.000-05:00

Now that Halloween has come and gone for another year other holidays burst to the forefront, not to mention November being an important birthday month. I have come to savor each of the major holidays for their unique personality and spirit. As my family has matured we have changed the holidays to more appropriately fit with the character of our family.

Thanksgiving is a chance to be imaginative and try new autumnal foods. Unlike Thanksgivings of my youth when my mom slaved over the meal for a week and was devoured in a few short minutes we now divide the work between my mom, sister and I. Actually, my dad not too many years ago confessed to not enjoying Thanksgivings in which my mom chained herself to the stove and preferred her company to such a production. We now have very informal Thanksgiving meals in which we make a buffet of all the dishes and watch movies together most of the day. The sides my sister and I make are ever changing. One year I made a squash soup, but often we make a couple of new salads and at least one new vegetable dish. What has been permanently added to our meal are roasted root vegetables--in fact we eat them pretty regularly throughout the autumn and at times with a whole chicken roasting on top.

I made the pumpkin pie last year, but was not as pleased with it as I might have been. I believe I will try another recipe this year whether for a cardamom-buttermilk pie I saw in the November 2007 issue of Saveur (an excellent magazine which not only has recipes, but stories rich in food history and the cultural and emotional significance of food) or another tempting treat from Gourmet's November 2007 issue like the Cranberry Almond Crostata or from Bon Appetit's November 2007 issue: Pumpkin Mascarpone Pie (I was impressed with their multitude of Thanksgiving dishes in both these issues).

I have to mention my favorite part of Gourmet: the Editor's Letter by Ruth Reichl. I own her triad of food-centric memoirs and I love her ability to evoke the most vital and elemental of life's themes through food writing. If anything most informs my blog writing style it is the editor's letters found in magazines like Gourmet & Bon Appetit.

Christmas is our more formal sit down dinner when we splurge on prime rib for my dad and uncle (the rest of us are strangely disgusted with that piece of meat) and lamb for us (my dad who is otherwise pretty open to food will not eat lamb of any sort). I now make a much lauded croissant bread pudding studded with plump, tart, ruby-bright dried cherries (adapted from Ina Garten's The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook which is a wonderful cookbook full of simple, but delicious recipes) and drizzled with nutmeg-vanilla crème anglaise (from Gale Gand). The bread pudding is so popular that I receive requests for it all year long, but I now refuse to make it for anything but the holidays in order to preserve the sense of wonder and specialness of such a dessert.

This coming holiday season I am thinking of beginning a new tradition--a Cookie & Ornament Exchange. It is all an idea right now, but I realize that celebrations sprinkled throughout the year are vital to me and for retaining friendships and fostering new ones.

Spooktacular Souper Part II

2007-10-31T13:56:00.000-05:00

I made this vignette to show you guys how the witch's fingers turned out...they were deliciously nasty looking and still yummy.

{Chedder Witch's Fingers}

(From Sunset Magazine, October 2006)
Preparation & Cooking Time: 55 minutes
Yield: 30 fingers

Notes: Keep dough cool as you work it to prevent stickiness.

INGREDIENTS

5 tablespoons butter
1/4 pound (about 1 cup packed) shredded extra-sharp cheddar cheese
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons cornmeal
1 large egg
Kosher salt
30 sliced almonds

DIRECTIONS

In a food processor or bowl, whirl or rub together butter, cheese, flour, and cornmeal until the mixture has the texture of wet sand. Add egg and whirl or stir with a fork until dough holds together.
Scrape dough onto a sheet of cooking paper or parchment, 12 to 14 in. wide and about 14 in. long. Top with another equal-sized sheet of paper and pat dough into a 1/2-in.-thick circle. Wrap in plastic and freeze 15 minutes, or refrigerate up to 3 days.
Roll dough into a rectangle about 8 in. wide and 10 in. long, working carefully to avoid creases in paper. Return to freezer for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350°.
Peel off top paper and use a sharp knife to cut the dough into 30 strips, each about 1/2 in. thick and 5 in. long. Place each strip on a large baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt to taste, then use your fingers to round the top of each strip into a fingertip shape. Use a sharp knife to score shallow "knuckle" lines in each finger, then press an almond "nail" into the tip. If you like, bend each finger in places to make it look knobby.
Bake the fingers until an even light brown, about 15 minutes. Transfer to a rack to cool.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

My witch's fingers were shorter & pudgier than the magazine's as seen in the picture, but they turned out looking splendid and tasting good. I also did not add additional salt and they were perfectly seasoned in my opinion as the butter already has salt added to it, but the kosher salt may have added a nice crunchy element to the fingers.

Now these desserts are rich and only for the gravest of chocolate lovers! Most people had to split them with someone else and still they didn't finish it. The Tombstone Cookies were fun to cut out freehand with a sharp knife. I made some crosses and some angled tombstones (in addition to the more classic shape pictured above) which reminded me of Tim Burton films. I only piped a few of the tombstones with RIP (badly) & it was a mess--next time I attempt these I will have more than a ziplock bag.

{DARK CHOCOLATE GRAVEYARD POTS DE CRÈME}

(from Sunset Magazine, October 2006)
Preparation and Cook Time: 15 minutes, plus at least 30 minutes chilling time.
Yield: 8 servings

Notes: This method uses a microwave to heat the cream until it's hot enough to cook and thicken the eggs, but you can always make it on the cooktop. Heat the cream over medium-high heat until it boils, about 6 minutes. Proceed with step 3, but heat the cream-egg mixture as needed in the saucepan until it reaches 160°. Then proceed with step 4.

INGREDIENTS

14 ounces (about 3 cups) semisweet or bitter-sweet chocolate, roughly chopped
2 large eggs, plus 2 yolks
2 1/2 cups whipping cream
1/3 cup coffee-flavored liqueur
1/2 cup chocolate wafer crumbs
Tombstone Cookies (recipe follows)

DIRECTIONS

In a food processor or blender*, whirl chocolate until finely chopped. Pour into a bowl. Put eggs and yolks in the processor or blender.
In a 4-cup glass measure, heat whipping cream in a microwave oven (see Notes) at full power (100%) until cream boils, 3 to 5 minutes.
With processor or blender on high speed, add boiling cream to eggs. Check temperature of mixture with an instant-read thermometer; if below 160°, pour mixture back into glass measure and reheat in microwave oven at full power until it reaches 160°, stirring and checking at 15-second intervals.
Combine hot cream mixture, chopped chocolate, and liqueur in blender or processor (or whisk the ingredients together in a large bowl); whirl until smooth, about 1 minute.
Pour chocolate mixture into 8 ramekins or glasses (1/2-cup size). Chill until softly set, 30 to 45 minutes. If making ahead, cover and chill up to 1 day. For creamiest texture, let desserts stand at room temperature about 30 minutes before eating.
Spoon 1 tablespoon wafer crumbs onto each pot de crème. Insert a Tombstone Cookie into each serving.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

For the chocolate I did a mix of both semisweet & bitter-sweet chocolate. The sweeter you want the chocolate the less bitter-sweet chocolate.

*Blender--funny story. I was trying to whirl the chocolate in the blender and I thought I had ruined yet another blender. I have found blenders--even the best--can't handle too much ice or chocolate in this instance. I unplugged the blender, hoping against hope that it the motor was merely overheated because the blender in this instance is a Vita-Mix (and expensive!), and fortunately it was okay. I DO NOT recommend using a blender for chopping.

I have no instant read thermometer (but plan on purchasing one), so winged this one and it came out fine in my opinion. This is deeply, darkly chocolate! The wafers are hard to find too as here the grocery store keeps them in the ice cream isle along with ice cream toppings & ice cream cones, but they are delicious! I crushed a whole box of wafers and added as much cookie crumbs as I wanted--who needs to measure that?

{TOMBSTONE COOKIES}

(from Sunset Magazine, October 2006)
Preparation and Cook Time: 15 minutes, plus at least 30 minutes chilling time.
Yield: 2 1/2 dozen

Notes: Cocoa nibs, also called "cacao nibs," give these cookies a mottled look that resembles stone. We made the recipe with both chocolate-covered nibs made by Scharffen Berger and plain nibs from Dagoba Organic Chocolate, and both worked well. Find both types in gourmet markets. Or substitute 2 tbsp. finely chopped bittersweet chocolate if you prefer. Make up to 3 days ahead; store airtight.

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons cocoa (or cacao) nibs (see Notes above)
6 tablespoons butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar, plus extra for sprinkling cookies
1 large egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
Melted semisweet or bittersweet chocolate

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400°. In a blender, whirl cocoa nibs until each is about the size of a grain of rice. In the large bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter and 1/2 cup sugar until creamy; beat in egg and vanilla.
In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt, and cocoa nibs; gradually add to butter mixture, blending thoroughly, to form a soft dough. Divide dough into thirds, cover each portion tightly with plastic wrap, and refrigerate until firm (at least 1 hour), or up to 3 days.
On a floured board, roll out dough, a portion at a time, to a thickness of 1/8 in. (keep dough refrigerated when not in use). With a sharp knife, cut out free-form tombstone shapes (about 1 1/2 by 3 in.; cut bottom edges at an angle to make them easier to poke into the pots de crème), and place slightly apart on ungreased baking sheets. Sprinkle generously with sugar.
Bake cookies until edges are lightly browned, about 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer to racks and let cool completely before handling.
Using a pastry bag with a very fine tip, pipe the letters "RIP" in chocolate on at least 8 of the cookies. Stick these cookies into the Dark Chocolate Graveyard Pots de Crème and serve the rest of the cookies alongside.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

The search for nibs was extensive and ultimately not very successful. We found a candy bar with nibs and cinnamon oil so the cookies had a definite cinnamon flavor so I dubbed ours Mexican Tombstone Cookies. I did like the cookies and they are terribly appropriate for Halloween. Next time I make these I think I will first purchase nibs online.

One last thing: Happy Halloween!!! Eat a little candy, watch a spooky movie, wear a wig and just delight in a holiday were you can let your inner demon out to party!

Spooktacular Souper Part I

2007-10-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

I promised a few (very few!) pictures of the Spooktacular Souper held this past Saturday and I would hate to disappoint my myriad of readers! Above was the tablescape--there is a lot of room for improvement next year, but the hurricanes came out great. Yes, dear reader, I am already thinking of ways to add and better the party for next year. I need to begin purchasing and decorating months in advance! If anything got shortchanged it was the decorating. You need at least a weekend to properly alter a house into a sinister showcase. It also helps when you build upon what you amassed and learned the year before. Since this was Year 1, next year can only be more gruesomely elegant!

We spent Thursday night, Friday night and most of Saturday cooking and the food turned out tasty (already have an idea for making goulash next year). Nearly everyone tried all three soups which we served in order in small bowls like it was a soup tasting (the cream soup with bacon on top first, chili next with fixings & last the onion soup with a gruyere cheese toast). The hit of the party was the witch's fingers (something that obviously must come back next year). The Swamp Sip drink also was liked by all. Say all you want against Martha Stewart, but she (and her team) know how to do Halloween!

Do you like the above image? That was how the hurricanes looked like from above. We filled them with dried beans, peas, a little white pumpkin & then lots of spiders and the eyeballs!

We ended up sticking spiders everywhere: on the walls, going up the cabinets, all over the stairwell, in the powder room including a roach on the powder room toilet that made people wonder.... The best happy accident was that the glue dots didn't keep up the spiders so there were spiders and other bugs falling at weird intervals. At least one person did a double take when that happened!

I have a few more images, but I am not sure I am pleased with how they turned out. I may add more images later to make this more interesting....

We gave out little goodie bags to our guests which included their own colorful web & spider, tombstone erasers, these awesome napkins we found from Target (all the guests are into art), candy bone bracelets and best of all mini containers of Halloween colored Play Doh. Who doesn't love Play Doh? I do!!

Next up will be a couple of images of some of the more spooky foods (like the witch's fingers) we made and some recipes, but not today, dear reader!

Busy!

2007-10-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling there will be a little delay (a couple of days, I hope) before I can write the post about the party (in short it went really, really well) with a few pictures and recipes to share with you. I am so very grateful for all of the more than kind responses of late (they are all incredible!!) . I had plans to respond to each of them yesterday as they warrant such consideration, but instead I took the day off from nearly everything. There is a time when good intentions meet reality and reality wins. This week I will get back to my correspondence which includes responding to a lovely email or two from my oldest friend.

I only wanted to let you, dear reader, know that I am temporarily occupied, but will be filling you in on the Spooktacular Souper and some other exciting things (how is that for a cliffhanger!)....

With Cauldrons Bubbling

2007-10-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

Last night we began on the cooking for the party tomorrow night. We are doing a Spooktacular Souper--meaning we are feeding our guests a trio of soups along with appetizers and ghoulish desserts. Last night we cooked up the Devilish Chili, tonight we are making the French Onion soup (to be renamed with an appropriately gross name which is easy with how onions can look like worms), tomorrow is the last soup a Chicken, Leek & Celery cream soup (another one that needs a different name).

Last night I also worked on the dough for the Witch's Fingers and made the Salt & Pepper Puffs (we are adding olives to a few to make them appear like eyeballs). Tonight along with the French Onion Soup is the making of the desserts: Dark Chocolate Pots de Crème Graveyards with Tombstone Cookies and miniature caramel apples. For our drink we are going with something a lovely slimy, swampy green.

Additionally, last night my sister also finished up the spider sacks...they are as disgusting as we had hoped!! We still have to web everything in sight and add the hundreds of spiders and insects, make spider toothpicks, mummify some candles (saw this in a magazine and a blog, Ma Vie en rose--check out how awesome it looks), and the like. I need to buy a spooky cd of music too in addition to some fresh bread Saturday, go to the liquor store for tonight....

I will try my mightiest to take pictures of the food and some of the decorations and post them next week. Hope, dear reader, you are likewise enchanted by the coming holiday!

Michelle Ward's Get Gothic

2007-10-25T13:13:00.000-05:00

There is an artist--Michelle Ward--I have mentioned before. I have expressed my love of her art--see the image at left which she designed. If you have a chance please look through her site and her Green Pepper Press unmounted stamps. From her Wayward Collection I am especially taken with Graven, In Vogue, Crow About & Printed Matters, but I could swoon over it all!

Michelle Ward also has a street team--GPP (Green Pepper Press) Network Street Team--where she has monthly artistic challenges for those so inclined to participate. Michelle Ward and her Street Team are truly gifted!! I have been meaning to participate for ages. Finally! I am going to participate this time around for Crusade No. 13 (magical, perfect number). Crusade No. 13 also celebrates the year anniversary of the GPP Network Street Team. Below is the header Michelle Ward designed which explains this particular challenge:

For my "entry" I have my redesigned blog and I also wished to share with you the invitation I sent out or gave for the Halloween party coming up. I also made a simple matching envelope and filled it with black spider confetti and a little tombstone eraser from Target. With the ribbon I tied on one of those fun spider rings. Michelle Ward designed the "Invitation" stamp you see at center.

Here is the front:

And here is the back with all the information:

The information was printed out on vellum so you could see the incredible orange damask pattern (it is actually paper napkins) attached with black photo corners.

I will try to post some pictures of the decorations, but I am not promising anything, dear reader!

Going to the Draft Pile

2007-10-24T16:04:00.000-05:00

I have 69 posts in various stages of completion. 51 (soon to be 52) of them are posted (and therefore it is to be hoped completed), but I also have 17 posts that are partially done. Sometimes when I am having an off day (like today) I will harvest these draft posts, fill in the holes (like add links and images) or use them to create a new post. Some of them I am not sure will ever see the light of day--they are either too much work to refine or going nowhere. Today I was thinking I would post some images of cards I have made for family for their birthdays in the past couple of months, but it requires more work and energy than I have today.

For your reading pleasure or displeasure here is an example of one of these half-baked posts entitled "A Search" written late at night on October 17, 2007:

I had a sudden compulsion to revisit some of the music (it began with one of my favorite songs from 1996: Cake's "The Distance"--by the way there is a lot of interesting tribute videos for this song you can watch if you have some time to kill) from my first year of college and find one of the songs which used to get under my skin every time I heard it, but I could never remember who it was by or the name. I just spent more than hour scouring the hits from 1995 & 1996 to find it and in the process basically went through a musical time warp. I was finally successful by typing in a list of names of bands that usually sandwiched this particular song on the radio like Cake, Tonic, Local H and Fuel. I found a list here of this person's cd collection and I searched until something hit a chord (no pun intended). Here is the result: "Stuck on You" by Failure (I then stumbled over this cover of Failure's song by Paramore--I like her voice).

Sunday Dinner

2007-10-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

I have taken over Sunday dinner. Actually that sounds like I was proactive when in fact I was told I was in charge of Sunday dinner and I have tried to do my best to create meals that will be well rounded, complete and delicious.

During the week I now wade through my magazines, cookbooks and clippings (and also peruse the web) for recipes I want to make on Sunday (or for entertaining or experimentation). I write down the name of the recipes, the source & page number in a journal for future reference. This whole process weirdly enough fills me with a sense of profound satisfaction and fills my need for organization, planning and order (yes, I do have deep, although often ignored anal-tendencies).

The last two weeks I had two head of cabbage I needed to use. The first Sunday I made a cabbage and apple salad (a cold salad with the addition of dates and a cider vinegar dressing--I will try to post the recipe later) and then this week I cooked red cabbage with apples--similar ingredients, but different products. Since one vegetable is not enough and I have been craving white beans, I chose a Warm Bean Salad as my second side dish. For the star of the meal I had pork chops to work with and I found a peach glazed grilled pork chop recipe, but since I had no peaches nor do I grill (yet) I had to improvise. I did have dried apricots and another recipe that had directions for how to pan cook pork chops. I am going to share my improvised recipe, but as fair warning the amounts of dried apricots, lemon juice and water is approximate.

Sunday, October 21, 2007 Dinner

Red Cabbage with Apple

Warm White Bean Salad

Apricot-Glazed Pork Chops

{RED CABBAGE WITH APPLE}

(from Everyday Food October 2003)

Preparation: 10 minutes Total: 1 hour
Serves 4 to 6

INGREDIENTS

2 slices bacon, cut into 1/2-inch strips
1 small onion, halved and thinly sliced
1 small head red cabbage, cored, quartered, and thinly sliced
1 green apple, peeled and thinly sliced
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
coarse salt and ground pepper

DIRECTIONS

In a Dutch oven over medium heat, cook bacon until browned, about 10 minutes.

Add onion; cook until soft, about 5 minutes.

Add cabbage, apple, vinegar, and 1/4 cup water. Cook, stirring, until cabbage wilts, about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Cover; cook, stirring occassionally, over medium-low heat to desired softness (if sticking, add water), 45 minutes to an hour. Serve.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

For the Red Cabbage with Apple I had half a red cabbage and half a green cabbage and so I just used what I had and although it wasn't the jewel bright ameythst of all red cabbage it was a pretty medium shade of purple as red cabbage's color bleeds onto surrounding foods (green & red cabbage have the same taste). I also decided not to peel the apples--most of the nutrients and flavor is in the apple peel. I did not have green apples, so I used the pink lady variety instead (and I used two apples). Another change I made to the recipe was that I used far more vinegar than it called for because I had so much cabbage and I prefer a more of a bite to my food. The final product was much better than I thought--the cabbage was infused with the flavors of the vinegar, bacon, apple and onion with the result that the cabbage was savory with a slight sweet undertone and a nice lively tart twist. 5 out of 5 would eat it again & 2 raved about it.

===============

{WARM WHITE BEAN SALAD}

(from Everyday Food May 2005)

Preparation: 15 minutes Total: 25 minutes

INGREDIENTS

1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 small red onion, diced
2 medium carrots, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
1 medium red bell pepper, ribs and seeds removed, diced
1 clove garlic, slivered
1 can (19 ounces) cannellini beans, drained and rinsed
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
coarse salt and ground pepper
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice

DIRECTIONS

In a small saucepan, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion and carrots; cook, stirring frequently, until onion is lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Add bell pepper and garlic; cook, stirring, until pepper is crisp-tender, about 3 minutes.

Stir in beans, lemon zest, and 1 cup water, and season with salt and pepper; bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer; cover, and cook until beans have absorbed most of the liquid, about 10 minutes. Stir in lemon juice; season again with salt and pepper. Serve.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

I used a yellow onion as I did not have a red onion (I don't believe this changes the character of the salad all that much) and used more lemon zest and lemon juice than asked as I personally love lemon. This salad was another winner--it was colorful, healthy, tasty, fresh tasting (thanks to the lemon) and added some more vegetables. 4 out 4 who ate it would eat it again & 2 out of 4 raved about it.

===============

{APRICOT-GLAZED PORK CHOPS}

(adapted from Peach-Glazed Grilled Pork Chops, Cook's Country August/September 2007 & Garlic-Rosemary Pork Chops, Cook's Country October/November 2007)

Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

1 cup apricot preserves
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 cup - 1 1/2 cup dried apricots
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
4 bone in rib or center-cut pork chops, about 1 inch thick
1 tablespoon vegetable or olive oil
juice of 1/2 lemon
salt and pepper

DIRECTIONS

Simmer preserves, vinegar, thyme, and cayenne in saucepan over medium heat until reduced to 1 cup, about 3 minutes. Reserve 1/4 cup glaze. Add apricots and 1/4 cup water to saucepan with remaining glaze and simmer until apricots are soft and glaze is slightly thickened, about 10 minutes. Off heat, stir in mustard. Cover and keep warm.

Pat chops dry with paper towels and season well with salt and pepper. Heat oil in large skillet over medium-high heat until just smoking. Cook chops until well browned and meat registers 145 degrees, about 5 minutes per side. Brush with reserved glaze on both sides of the chops and cook about 1 minute per side. Transfer pork chops to platter and let rest 5 minutes. Transfer apricot mixture into the pork chop skillet with the drippings and lower heat, adding lemon juice and water as needed. Stir and cook until drippings incorporated into apricot mixture. Pour apricot mixture over chops. Serve.

MY DEVIATIONS, VARIATIONS & RESULTS

These pork chops came out full of flavor, moist and the apricots paired wonderfully with the pork. Next time I am trying cherry. 4 out 4 who ate it would eat it again & 2 out of 4 raved about it.

Change

2007-10-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

I thought this blog needed to be refreshed a bit--I was getting bored and needed something that fit with this time of year (can you guess I was inspired by Halloween?). What do you think, dear reader? I am not sure if I am completely satisfied, but it is certainly different!

Plus, I am excited because this is my 50th post! Yes, I have somehow stretched my little thoughts and experiences that much. I am impressed with my abilities to embellish and ramble on.

An Admirable Woman

2007-10-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

For over two months I have had "The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio" to watch. I believe that to fully appreciate some movies and books, you must be ready for them. Not to say that "The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio" is a hard movie to watch, in fact it's tone is fun and spunky even when dealing with harsh realities because Evelyn Ryan, the woman Julianne Moore (one of my favorite current actresses) portrays in the film, was like that. What I mean is that I tried watching this film nearly a year ago at a friend's house and it did not work out (cable problems) and I have a feeling I was meant to wait to see the film when I was more receptive of just what an amazing woman Evelyn Ryan was.

I should mention I had heard an interview with Terry "Tuff" Ryan, the daughter of Evelyn Ryan who wrote the memoir, The Prizewinner of Definance, Ohio: How My Mother Raised 10 Kids on 25 Words or Less on The Diane Rehm Show years before (probably around 2001 when the memoir was released. Sadly, Terry Ryan died of cancer earlier this year) and was struck by how remarkable Evelyn Ryan seemed. I think Julianne Moore described what was so admirable about Evelyn Ryan best in her commentary of the film (I am paraphrasing at the moment): She refused to be defeated by the shortcomings in her life--she dealt with her life with strength, resolve and an amazing positive mood and lived without bitterness or regrets. She was someone who appreciated what she had rather than dwell on what she did not. She also defused others' anger with laughter and did not allow it to faze her. Additionally, she was clever, resourceful and bursting with life and love. I plan on finding the memoir and reading it in between all the other things I read (starting Love in the Time of Cholera, various magazines & cookbooks and about 12 step programs to name a few things--do you ever feel like you are bursting with all you could do and wish to do?).

I have no idea how Evelyn Ryan remained so unruffled by the negative in her life (including an alcoholic husband that drank much of his earnings), but maybe the memoir will help me to find out and emulate such an attitude. I realize that I waste too much energy on anger, which only perpetuates the worst, rather than best in others and me. I want to cultivate laughter, growth, creativity, friendship, connection, warmth and understanding....

Friday for the TCM Girl

2007-10-19T16:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't a clue what to write...on these days I wish I had a prompt (I wonder if anyone has thought of writing 365 blogging prompts yet? If you use the idea I want my cut....). Or maybe I am questioning the megalomania I must be exhibiting to write this blog and continue to write a blog that is dedicated to me and my life (not to mention the desire for people to read the damn thing!). One day I am going to count how many "I's" are in just one entry. It is startling! Most days I blithely write away ignoring the inherent problem and I guess I will continue on in my little bubble....

Tonight, TCM has a series of movies on by director Tod Browning. The subject matter of his movies are usually bizarre, the characters often twisted and bent on a path of lustful revenge and they are absolutely, positively perfect for an October evening when all things seem possible and the mind suddenly is suspicious of every shadow. These are movies that take you back to deep dark black and pure pristine white and all the glorious shades of grey in between...these movies invoke these words for me: "Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? The Shadow knows!".

Does it make me a sad sack to be so excited about watching movies on a Friday night instead of having a social life? Quite possibly. I just don't care--I love my movies and I am a homebody. If I could find someone who liked watching such movies, read, made me laugh, is crazy, sincere, intelligent, sly, tolerant, patient!, quirky & nerdy (would have to be to deal with me), liked odd girls, was generous with his time and energy, innovative & open-minded, loved animals and family, could converse about crap one moment and the meaning of life the next, loved all sorts of food, had cahunas and isn’t picky at all about looks I would be a happy camper, but I think I am asking WAY too much. Is it any wonder I am perpetually single (it certainly doesn't help that I prefer trips to the dentist's office to dating)? But, dear reader, if you think you know a guy who is like that, please let me know. All applications will be carefully considered.

Finding Muse, or the Gorgeous TCM Promotion

2007-10-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I love Turner Classic Movies is because of their promos and the creative people who work for them (perhaps they don't make everything, but they've got excellent taste and a dramatic flair!). Check this one out from September of last year...my sister described it to me how awesome it was and also said how much she loved the song. I had never seen the promo nor heard the song and by sheer luck I found the band Muse on my second or third attempt in the music section (of an evil store I will not name) right after she was describing the song to me. Crazy how some things work out like that. I had never heard Muse before (yes, I am living under a rock) but I was drawn to their cover for Black Holes and Revelations (image to the right), but then picked up their earlier album Absolution (which had the song on it) and I promptly bought both CD's. Tangent: For a totally cool classical version of the Muse song used ("Time is Running Out") listen to The String Quartet's tribute. For your listening pleasure here is the String Quartet's tribute to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and another of Radiohead's "Motion Picture Soundtrack" (I adore this song in it's original form).

Here is another excellent promo from the wizards at TCM for detective movies. A Christmas promo from last December for you to enjoy. An incredible promo for Tear themed films (have I mentioned how much I love Beck?). Here is another promo for the 31 days of Oscar this year. Here is the original promotion for TCM's Underground (originally hosted by Rob Zombie). A Tribute to Betty Hutton earlier this year...promo for Cannes films and yet another excellent promotion from November of last year. For even more promotions go to the source--raygun (they are all luscious, powerful and evocative).

Are you a TCM convert yet?

Dark (Expensive) Preparations

2007-10-16T11:28:00.000-05:00

I spent $40.00 on insects, shiver-worthy animals and eyeballs last night. That says Halloween to me. I have bought so many spiders, ants and flies it will be incredibly creepy at the ol' abode. Spiders are the theme this year especially after my sister found a particular decoration that she found frightfully gross which incorporates spiders (and thereby perfect). I hope next year to add mad scientist touches by purchasing beakers and test tubes to hold drinks.

For those wanting a little sinister elegance for Halloween I recommend going over to Target and looking around at their Grim Gables line. They have a black rose wreath, gargoyles, headstones, ornate black candles and other lovely, but entirely not needed things. I plan on hitting the store again right after Halloween to see if I can purchase any of the more expensive (and less expensive) items on clearance. Even the napkins and paper plates were the right mix of beautiful macabre (skull image with flourishes, jack-o-lanterns, spiders and such in blacks and deep, rich oranges). At Michael's they had these incredible resin pedestals that looked like stone with a raven or crow perched on top that I wanted, but alas it was too expensive for this year.

The amount of money you can spend on decorating for Halloween reminds me of a little headline I read recently on msn that mentioned how expensive Halloween is...Halloween has become BIG business. Think about the candy, the costumes, the decorations. As I was entering a party store last night a woman and her son were exiting and she (I think she had yellow heels which matched one of the flowers found on her dress) exclaimed with exasperation, "And Christmas is only around the corner!" as if to say she could not believe how much she just spent on his costume and the like. Upon entering the swarming store I was a bit floored by just how people were there purchasing their costumes and other Halloween necessaries. My very blasé sister told me how Halloween was their busiest time of the year (didn't you know that obvious fact, idiot was her tone and I am afraid I hadn't really given it enough thought to formulate that conclusion).

All this spending of money has me wondering--why? Why do I have this need to purchase all this stuff? Why do I have a somewhat guilty feeling about spending rather than being more creative and improvising? I think part of the reason why I feel like a child run amok in a candy store (actually me in a candy store can be equally as bad--I squeal, I dance about, I have the short attention span, I clap, you get the idea--I have no dignity) is because I haven't been doing anything for Halloween for ages and I do love the holiday. I need to fully celebrate this holiday and the upcoming ones to appreciate the passage of time and to have something special to look forward to each year. It is the same reason why I used to mark the dates of when books (or movies or music) would be released--I like to keep myself reminded of how much new (or repackaged) is being created and yet to be.

Rose China

2007-10-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

Many different things have been flying through my head today: family values, abortion, politics, medical care, organized religion, obligation, responsibility, aging, friendship, horror movies, Halloween, how to find friends, how to figure out what someone's passions are, money, class divisions, writing, books, generosity, examination, ignorance, strength, beauty, ugliness, female vs. male, walking around woods in crisp autumn air and a few other things. This is not an unusual day. There is a lot to think about and I often wonder how I can ever be bored....

I also thought of the women of my family before me. This Saturday I was unpacking my great grandmother's and great great grandmother's china, many pieces I have never seen before as they have been packed up for nearly 3 decades. I thought about the legacy of having something from ancestors I have never met, much like genes I have inherited from them. What did they think about when they washed the dishes that I will no doubt wash? Who ate at their table when they used those dishes? How did this cup get chipped or that plate? What did they eat? Did they ever wonder about who would eat on the china when they were gone? Did perhaps they think of my mom--the only girl of her generation?

The colors of the dishes and even the roses found on each set meld together and also somehow remind me of my mom. My mom's favorite flower is the rose and her favorite color is blue, first and foremost, but I think pink is her second--both of those colors are in the china. Did that china leave an undeniable mark on my mom's preferences? How much of who I am is because of those before me?

Music to Have Your Teeth Cleaned to

2007-10-12T16:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth cleaned when I heard this song I had forgotten about from the credits of Kingdom Hospital, a short lived horror television show adapted by Stephen King: Worry About You by Ivy. I believed there was a magical partnership between the song and images to make the opening credits. The link will take you to those intriguing opening credits and this link Worry About You will take you to the complete song. Following this song (or was it before? I don't recall now, but I do know that before this set of songs was Rosanna by Toto which always will be associated to my mom for me and I thought, "Oh, no what annoying song will come on next?") was another I had never heard before but made me think about how some songs are so calm and even that they are perfect for the dentist's office especially when played at just the right volume. They don't intrude on your thoughts at all, just accompany them in pleasant, if uninspired, harmony. I did some searching for the song and I happened upon it: Again & Again by The Bird and the Bee.

On the subject of remembering music, Wednesday night on Dirty Sexy Money (a guilty pleasure show I am enjoying--I am especially amused by the obnoxious, incredibly flawed, ill-tempered son who happens to be a man of the cloth) was Everybody Knows as performed by Concrete Blonde. The lead singer, Johnette Napolitano, has such a wonderful, distinctive voice and one of my favorites by Concrete Blonde is Caroline.

Shattering Amber

2007-10-11T16:33:00.000-05:00

Today heralded the announcement of this year's Noble Prize for literature. The winner is Doris Lessing whose most famous work is The Golden Notebook. Have I ever read The Golden Notebook? Regrettably no...at least not yet. I plan on reading it not because of Ms. Lessing winning the Noble Prize, but since it delves into the internal dialogue of the characters and also for the fact that Ms. Lessing's formal education ended at the age of 13.

In my years since college some of the smartest and most innovative people I have met have not gone to college. I think it is important to remember that college is not for everyone nor does it instantly make someone intelligent or successful. Education is more about constantly being open to new ideas, thoughts and being willing to learn everyday from the multitude of teachers and learning experiences life throws into our path. To be an enlightened person you have to seek knowledge and also take an active role in your own education--you can't be passive or lethargic about evolving.

In days of old great thinkers wrote numerous letters to other great thinkers in order to exchange information and broaden the scope of each other's thoughts. You must remain engaged with the world at all times to glean the most from living in such a world. I am constantly reminded of this fact. I don't wish to remain static. As I age I don't wish to be like one of those insects captured in one moment in time indefinitely in amber. As much as I enjoy writing, my passion really is in research, which is not so extraordinary when I think how much I gravitate towards reading and collecting. Writing in many ways is the way of sharing amassed knowledge. Creative writing for me is a way of sharing amassed knowledge filtered through myths, dreams and fantasies.

The old maxim of learning something new everyday remains a thread of hope and promise for me and casts light upon looming darkness. My perspective shifts into one of anticipation and joy in the discovery. The prospect that at least one new piece of information or that I may see something or someone in a different way each and every day means that every day is full of surprise and mystery...that all things are possible...that we can grow, change, enrich and blossom....

Why, Radiohead, Why?!?

2007-10-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

Maybe you are aware that today Radiohead has released their latest album, In Rainbows, via download on their website and you name the price...any price. Sounds great, right? Wrong. I can't get on the site and I am conflicted about what to spend. I think I may go with $10.00, but am I being too cheap? Should I spend $11.99 - $14.99 like I would in a store? What is the price which balances the worth of their album (which I think is pretty damn high) and what I can afford? Oh, the ethical dilemma! I love you, but why do you need to make a simple purchase into yet another moment for me to question what I do and why?

October 11th Update:

After some hassle, I finally purchased the download for £ 6.00 and they then tacked on a £ 0.45 surcharge for use of a credit card (was I supposed to send them a check?). Remember that the current exchange rate is 2.0334 American dollars per British pound. I therefore paid approximately $13.12 for the download. Yet another example of how I am being screwed by the declining value of the dollar!

Melancholy Delusions

2007-10-10T12:04:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt of a middle school/high school friend of mine. I stopped him by grabbing his elbow and I excitedly said his name. He smiled, said hi and promptly went on his way. He was terribly important to me in that moment and yet I was just a vague and distant memory to him. I realize that is the way it works in real life as well. I believe for most people others are interchangeable, as they don't see another as an individual so much as what they do for them. When you begin to really get to know someone, no matter what their quirks or issues, you see what makes them unique (and hopefully you celebrate it). When that person is no longer in your life, you miss them and they can't be replaced. I have many holes in my life where once there was a friend.

Another friend of mine told me I would forget him when he left my life like he assumes everyone else has in the past. He had no idea of who I am. In some ways I wish I could forget and easily get over it like most people seem to be able to do. I suppose there are those of us who are meant to remember, as our wounds never fully heal. I sometimes feel like Miss Haversham frozen in her decaying and brittle past. I am haunted by who I have lost and occasionally overwhelmed by the bursting of distilled emotion. Maybe my purpose in life is to be a witness.

It is amazing how quickly I can feel completely alone as if somehow everyone else in the world are separated from me by an invisible barrier. I realize that this is all in my mind. Why should one moment I feel connected, in touch and the next isolated? I have friends and good friends at that, but still I don't feel I have anyone I can turn to when I am in certain moods as either the bonds of friendship only go too far or they simply are unavailable.

An extended family member once called me aloof and another said I was cold. Perhaps I am both things because there is a fundamental truth that causes me to remain remote: I don't trust anyone entirely with my emotions. I believe at a young age I realized an inequality of feeling and meaning. I was overly sensitive and overly attached.

Perhaps that was a mistaken interpretation on my part? Perhaps I am still living under false presumptions? Do I give myself too much credit and others too little? It would be funny, but not entirely surprising, if I have been living life according to childish delusions.

Belated Congratulations

2007-10-09T10:01:00.000-05:00

I received a lovely email from a good friend of mine last night in my dabblerextraordinaire inbox. She conveyed a surge of support for this little blog. I happened to be chatting with another friend of mine when the email came through and this friend I was chatting with also expressed appreciation for the blog. There are moments when you can feel enveloped by your friends' regard for you--that was one such moment. I can't thank my friends enough for their continued support of me and for all the wonderful compliments about this blog.

My friend who emailed me also brought to my attention how I haven't congratulated her yet on the addition of her first nephew into her family. Funny she should mention it because I have tried twice to do just that on this blog. The first time I began a post with the sentiment but somehow it became very maudlin, therefore it is still in the draft stage. The other time I attempted to congratulate her about the birth of her nephew I second guessed myself (because I thought it might be bad manners) and edited it out. I guess in the world we live in you express something in whatever medium you have at your disposal.

So, my dear friend, I congratulate you for becoming an aunt to an undoubtedly adorable nephew. He is a most fortunate baby boy to be surrounded with so much love and acceptance. More particularly I know that your nephew is blessed to have such a warm, caring and nurturing aunt.

Columbus Day

2007-10-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Poor Columbus Day gets no respect. I find myself at work instead of celebrating this great day because my boss questions the holiday. "What is Columbus Day?" he asks with incredulity. I stutter over an answer which will enlighten and humble him and fail miserably because I don't wholeheartedly believe in Columbus Day nor fully understand why we are celebrating Columbus "discovering" the Americas and the future colonization and exploitation of resources, lands and indigenous peoples by Europeans. Still, it is a reason (no matter how questionable) to get off work or school and have a three-day weekend.

Perhaps I could properly defend such a holiday if it was packaged as a day of discovery or even rediscovery. We could give people gifts of maps and educational tools like books (anything to encourage reading and love of books I am all for), make local trips, spend time with a family member, learn something about another culture or even about indigenous cultures, perhaps try a new hobby.

Maybe next year, dear reader, you may find an envelope waiting for you before Columbus Day (as there is no mail on Columbus Day) with a map enclosed and it will remind you of all the things you have yet to explore. Until then hopefully you enjoy a day off to relax.

Follow Through

2007-10-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

I am trying to keep on top of my correspondence. There are people to write by email, others to send a birthday card, belated wedding card (yes, that is on my list and I have a clue about the design), anniversary cards, etc. Then there are the phone calls. I have a mental list of people to call. I enjoy phone calls, but don't talk too often on them because of the fact that when I do I can talk for hours. I am not sure how appreciative people are of this proclivity so I tend to call rarely.

Correspondence in whatever mode or medium you use is terribly important to remaining connected with not only friends, family and acquaintances, but the community and world at large. Also, as I mentioned in a previous post I am aware of my own responsibility of maintaining relationships, redeveloping those that have slipped away and fostering new ones. I have quite a few more friends from my past to reconnect with or at least attempt to reconnect with as our lives may have moved in too disparate of directions to be any thing more than an acquaintance now. Still, it is worth the effort to convey to someone that they still remain in your thoughts and to acknowledge the meaning they have or had in your life.

In an effort to be prepared for the upcoming holiday card-making extravaganza I am making an effort to be organized and most importantly REMAIN organized. In the past I have been a sprinter making a mad-dash-beginning but falling short of the end, but I am working on becoming a marathon runner who paces herself. I think I become so seduced and dazzled with a larger-than-life image of myself by doing tasks in such a spectacular way that I loose energy, momentum and heart in face of the looming monumental goals I set up for myself. I then let others and myself down. Being an all or nothing sort, one missed birthday and the whole dream falls apart for me. Erosion of self-image, etc. ensues until I feel so embarrassed or ashamed of my inability to complete something I may go so far as not communicate with the person I feel I have disappointed.

For instance, a friend from college had a lovely child more than two years ago (actually he shares a birthday with my sister and another friend of mine). I took a class at my favorite store to learn how to make this certain little scrapbook for the little man as a gift. I began it and it remains incomplete and so now two years have passed without me making a gesture to celebrate this friend's son and instead of just remaining in touch, I did the cowardly thing and remained silent stewing in my guilt and causing perhaps irreparable harm to an important relationship. I forgive myself for being dumb. Now, it is time to actually do something!

When I was in middle school and still went to Sunday School (something I really dreaded), I had this lovely teacher...I can't remember what exactly she taught (we had several classes with different teachers much like regular school), but I remember her saying how she hated the word "sin" and preferred using the euphemism of "missing the mark". I liked that then and I still do. I miss the mark a whole hell of a lot and I am learning how to forgive myself for it and then to make amends. It is all well and good I feel guilty, but what good is the guilt if doesn't motivate me to do better? A therapist told me that my intentions are good, but do I want to have people constantly give me a break because I meant well? It is a pattern I have relied too much on...people usually want to give people a chance for whatever reason and I have taken advantage of that.

I believe I have skated by a lot in life because I have been blessed by too much good fortune. So many things come too easily to me that when I actually had to work for something I didn't know what to do. Rather than work, I often would blame myself for not having the natural ability or avoid it entirely. It was a cop out and it is still something I find myself wanting to do. In the end, it is best to deal with things head on than let them build until they become issues, therefore the need to communicate and follow through.

Tomorrow happens to be World Card Making Day and I, dear reader, plan on making some of those cards that I have intended to make, but haven't done yet.

Love, love, lovE, LOVE

2007-10-04T00:19:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched the show I had most anticipated this season: "Pushing Daisies". If you want a summary about the show follow the link as I am pretty atrocious at summarizing (see post about dreams below as evidence). What I can tell you is that I love the luscious, Technicolor look of the show reminiscent to the saturated intensity found in movies like "Nanny McPhee" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". There is a sense you are watching a slightly morbid children's fairy tale which is reinforced by the voice of the narrator (Jim Dale who is the voice for all of the Harry Potter audio books here in the States).

The hero, Ned, is a pie maker with special powers and so very isolated from the world of the living. The heroine, Chuck (aka Charlotte Charles) was Ned's childhood sweetheart (only sweetheart for what I can tell) whom he brought back from the dead in order to solve her murder. There are several other interesting supporting characters. The love story at the heart of the show is sweet and tragic as they can never touch and I think we all wonder (or at least those who watched the show) how they will express their affection without contact. As on critic said, this show is going to explore aspects of love not often touched upon (no pun intended) and perhaps even the nature of love.

I am always curious about love (of all types, but for purposes of this post the romantic variety) the way only a person who hasn't experienced the much lauded emotion can be. I have seen friends and family in love, I have heard the tales of love from friends and family and I have witnessed the erosion of love. Love is as unique as those that experience it. Sometimes the love is selfish or self-serving. Sometimes the love is selfless. Sometimes is seems surprising. Sometimes it seems inevitable in hindsight. Sometimes love is soft and gentle like pale sunshine on a spring day. Sometimes love is harsh and powerful. Sometimes love is nourishing. Sometimes love is harrowing. Sometimes love is affirming. Sometimes love is eternal. Sometimes love is temporary. Sometimes love is without limits. Sometimes love is conditional. Sometimes love is abrasive. Sometimes love is a balm. Sometimes love is suffocating. Sometimes love is freeing. Sometimes love is safe. Sometimes love is dangerous.

Is it little wonder everyone can write so much about such a many-faceted emotion? Is it little wonder that people remain ever fascinated? I have thought long and hard about love because I want to write about it (and if I am honest would like to experience at least once, although I am no good with emotion). How can someone who has never experienced love write about it? Since love is so very different for everyone would it matter if I experienced it when I have to ascribe it to characters that aren't even remotely me? I still have to imagine how a particular character of a certain disposition, experiences, time and place would feel and express love. For anyone who thinks writing a romance of depth, sensitivity and feeling is easy, think again. A few historical romance genre authors surpass others in their ability: Judith Ivory (also known as Judy Cuevas), Laura Kinsale and Patricia Gaffney (she no longer writes historical romance, but her Wyckerley Trilogy is excellent) to name a few.

Asking about love can meet with jubilant and effusive talk, silence or a rant. I always wish to ask about it, to learn how love is for that particular person, but love is personal and some people don't want to discuss it. I wonder if there is a site dedicated to sharing stories about love? That would be fascinating....

By the way, the image found above is of a card I am sending one of my uncles for his birthday. It is a bit feminine, yet I think he will appreciate it nonetheless. I used extra bits I had on my table from making my orange artist trading cards earlier this week and since my uncle likes blue I went with blue and orange. I always wonder what the woman is thinking with her sweet smile...perhaps she is remembering her first kiss or dreaming about who she will love? Then again maybe she is thinking about running through the meadow or dancing or doing sums or she solved a riddle....

Dabbling into Dreaming

2007-10-03T11:29:00.000-05:00

I was thinking in the shower again this morning reviewing some of the nebulous dreams of the previous night and early morning hours. I remember quite a few of my dreams and there are periods when I seem to exert a great deal of energy into dreaming as I will awake exhausted. I wish (like many) I knew what exactly the function of dreaming is...sometimes they are ordinary dreams, others are twisted everyday life and then there are the outright outlandish and fantastical dreams.

My dreaming usually involves many, many strangers with a few people from real life sprinkled in. Sometimes the strangers have reoccurring roles, sometimes not. Sometimes people from real life are themselves as I know them and sometimes not. There seems to be no real rules or boundaries or logic in dreaming. Ghost-possessed dogs are just as acceptable as having friends laugh at you as walk through school only in a short t-shirt that you have your hands tugging down. I rarely remember names or numbers from dreams even when they are significant, so if I do remember I wonder what they mean. Schafer was a name that remained with me this morning, as did some of the images, plot and emotions from the dreams I could recall. Retelling dreams is nearly always a frustrating and baffling effort because dreams aren't like real life that can be encapsulated into the logic of words. Dreaming often involves cues known only to the dreamer. Still, I am going to try (mayhap futilely) to share at least some of what transpired in my dreams last night.

I can tell you one dream began fairly inanely enough. I was searching with my sister for a rug for the studio (which we really are doing) and we went into a store which I believe I have been to before whilst dreaming (the clerk was certainly someone I had dreamt of before and she remembered me and asked me to say hello to two people) where we found a wonderful rug with an orange background and pink, yellow, green and turquoise accents marked down from a large price to under $20. Even in dreams I should have known this was too good to be true. So, we ended up purchasing the rug only to be told that we would have to go to the warehouse to pick up the rug. As we had no idea where the warehouse was a man (who I assumed worked for the store) offered to take me. I became separated from my sister at this point. We drove to the warehouse, which did not look anything like a warehouse, and he went inside with me following. This is when the dream changed...inside the so-called warehouse was dozens of people, very eerily placid and slack-mouth people. I find out the warehouse housed the town's zombies too and they didn't remain docile for long and I found myself running with another normal person (some guy who appeared I guess) and we hid behind boxes, etc. in a room chose at random. Luckily this guy also knew how to find outlets to other rooms through boxes. We climbed in boxes only to appear in another room, finding the rug on the way (I think) and somehow we made it out of the warehouse of horror (that part I don't really recall but it involved some plan). I have skipped some of the more gruesome aspects of the dream that I can vaguely picture. Strangely, enough I don't classify this dream as a nightmare as I have had too many dreams like this one and I realize whilst dreaming it is only a dream....

Another dream though bothers me because of the emotions involved and because I became confused as I began to buy into the dream. In this dream I was talking to a girl when I told her something about myself I suddenly remembered: I was married and divorced at a very young age. My dream self thought wow, I should really include that in my 100 Things (a list I really did do this past week) because it is a really interesting tidbit about my life. In conjunction with this memory of a failed marriage at a VERY young age is also the revelation to me that I had lost a baby (the impetus for such a marriage). Now, I know this didn't really happen, but I have dreamt about this early marriage in a previous dream and every time I think of this hidden past it triggers an emotional amalgamation that is incredibly real: I feel claustrophobic, trapped, confused, pressured, ashamed, afraid, out of control, etc. It is the emotion profile that disturbs me because I have felt it before in real life and yet I can't figure out where or when.

There are two other dreams I remember from this past night/morning concerning a couple of college friends, but they make even less sense than the dreams above...they are more like vignettes that seem to have no real purpose. One involved my friend in Texas, a bedspread from my childhood I lent her in my dream and her passing me her hairbrush that I then cleaned out. I thought about how dark her hair was as I threw it away. The other dream involved my friend in Ohio in which she said how much she hated eating alone (we each were in a station with a computer which reminds me of when I vote, but this time you had to fill in family & personal information rather than which candidate you wished to vote for and we ate at the individual stations) as she was too social and she didn’t like the chorizo that they served. She said next time we eat together (I had the impression that this was some sort of reunion—there were other details in this dream, but they are about the journey from the computers to another place in which my friend disclosed her opinions and they involve a hill, sweeping vistas, and how berries or flowers were planted there—blue on one side of the trail and red on the other).

I wonder what the heck it all means? If you, dear reader, have an idea (and I haven't completely confused you) please let me know or if you just want to share some of your dreams or dream theory, I would love to hear about any of it....

Repetition & Reminders

2007-10-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

You know I am a neophyte to the world of blogging (and it has been around for years) so (I hope) you will forgive me for being excited that I added a subscription function to this blog. This means you can be informed via email (and other ways I believe) of when I post and also the content of the latest posts. I am not sure if anyone will subscribe, but I use that option when available on blogs I enjoy reading so that I am reminded of them (I do tend to have odd memory problems).

It seems I have a lot more to learn about blogging, but I am going slowly. This is all an experiment for me (much like life): to discover if I have anything to say; to work on my communication skills; to see patterns in all things; to express myself; to play around with ideas and concepts; to connect with others; to find value in the mundane; to keep up with something; to learn; to explore; to find focus and meaning....

I imagine I am reiterating a lot of what I have already written concerning my reason for this blog, but often we need repetition to create a rhythm of memory...a beat our minds can attune to in order to remember a thought or even a conglomeration of ideas creating an ideology. I wonder how much these things are fermented in our dreams? Perhaps images become bookmarks or placeholders.

With time, effort and patience I think I may just learn how to create a dynamic blog. I have found that it takes me a while to find my way, but once I do the possibilities are endless. I hope you remain around for the journey, dear reader. I know you will expand my horizons and maybe--just maybe--I may expand yours.

If you wish to have a reminder about this blog, please subscribe at left.

Celebrating Life

2007-10-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

This Saturday I found myself at another baby shower--actually only my second (my first being this summer and held for the older sister of the woman for whom this particular baby shower was given. I even had a chance to make the acquaintance of the little man that was the reason for the first baby shower. He is unbelievably even tempered like his parents. I wonder what his little girl cousin will be like?). I have also only attended a handful of weddings in my life too. What can I say, either I don't know many people or circumstances mean I can't attend (lived too far away) or didn't know a friend when they married or had babies.

The two baby showers I attended were truly joyous and fun events because of the hostesses, guests of honor and guests. These are generous, warm, happy and creative souls. I have met all of the ladies through a local stamping & paper arts store. This means that there are a slew of handmade cards and gifts, which are passed around for all to see and enthuse about. This particular baby shower was held at the home of a friend who is an extremely gifted multi-media artist with this incredibly colorful, whimsical house that you could spend your life in and still find something new and wondrous to explore. Everything about her house has her mark on it. The colors on the walls are bold with colors like marigold, terra cotta and cobalt blue. There are pillows sewn and created by her on her emerald green couch, art (hers and others) everywhere. Her studio made us all envious: it is large, well organized and brimming with fascinating objects, books, tools and projects. Her front yard and backyard also show her artistry including mosaic pots and garden steps she has made (and fountains made of found objects). Many of us wondered if we could just hang out in her studio, peruse the books and watch her work.

I think one thing we all came away from the baby shower with is that we thoroughly enjoy each other's company and we need to get together more often. In that vein, we are going to have one dinner this month and perhaps more in the future. One of the reasons for the addition was to have plenty of room to entertain friends and family. So far we have only had a couple of dinner parties and two holiday dinners. We try to go all out for the dinner parties, spending hours culling through our vast collection of magazines, cookbooks, newspaper clippings, downloaded recipes and the like. I love the planning process of putting together a menu from different sources designed specifically with the specific guests in mind that makes them coo with delight and feel special for all the care and attention we give to them. We don't play it safe either. We try a set of new recipes that allow us to experiment and try new techniques, flavors and ingredients.

For October's Halloween inspired party we are going to do heavy appetizers rather than a more formal dinner party and also in the works for later this autumn or winter is a party with appetizers, three soups (I adore soup), homemade breads (I adore bread) and cookies & bars (you guessed it, I adore cookies & bars) for dessert. I also want to try a supper club, but that is another things entirely....

I do know one other thing: having these ceremonies bring vitality, brightness, humor, warmth and a sense of the extraordinary to everyday life and makes me aware of what is most important and nurturing when the mundane and dreary tries to take hold.

Design Crush

2007-09-27T14:08:00.000-05:00

I have been searching the web for seventies design, textiles and the like. I am firmly in the love with the graphic quality of seventies prints. I have always admired the bohemian meets psychedelic meets Victorian design found in England during the 1970's, but haven't had much appreciation for other aspects of the 1970's. How wrong I was! I have stumbled on numerous really cool blogs today and I have to share this blog: Cassapinka. She chronicles the making of a home including offbeat finds and what she does with them. I adore her style and I am enamored with the wallpaper she chose for her entryway. It a gorgeous black & white cherry blossom design from the 1970's (see right. Look at that woodwork too!).

Have I mentioned by penchant for black & white? I love how colors pop off black & white (like intense red, turquoise, lime green, pink & orange) Black & white is also unbelievably versatile, timeless, bold, fresh and elegant all at once.

Also look at her awesome finds like the Amy Leonard Sculptural Lamps (July 25, 2007 entry). How cool are they?!? I love the idea of using found objects to create a story under glass. Fantastic, in my opinion. I think her taste in art is grand.

Under the July 14, 2007 post is actually an x upholstered chair I have seen before and really liked...after scanning through her pictures I can't write down all the things I love although there is a picture of another blogger's bedroom and I want that black & white rug for my bedroom!

Yes, I realize I am gushing like a schoolgirl because simply put: I am giddy over this stuff!

Fumbling with Design

2007-09-26T14:04:00.000-05:00

I have been contemplating design lately. The Holidays are drawing nearer and nearer and I still haven't a clue of what my card design (or designs) is going to be. Do I go elegant, fun, festive, funky or traditional? I really want to do special handmade cards this year...in fact I feel compelled to do them this year. I think a lot of my indecision stems from my being unsure of what my style is (something I have mentioned in an earlier post). I have noticed this frustrating inability to be cleanly and clearly me from my attempts at making artist trading cards (ATC). They aren't me. Rather the cards are a proximity of what I can do in a given amount of time with a certain theme. I ponder the themes for weeks and I am only compelled to do something by the deadline and often it is a compromise rather than any fulfillment of a "vision".

I think it may be time to exercise my creative muscles like I have with writing. For the past few weeks I have not only been writing on this blog, but more regularly writing in a personal journal. My journal has to be some of the most boring writing around, but I am learning to write consistently and not worrying about the quality nor the content as that is not the point. The personal journal is a means of chronicling my life and having an outlet rather than something to entertain others or even myself. I need to do a similar thing only visually to open up my artistic horizons and learn more about myself as a creator. I know what I am drawn to: art with a historic twist; incorporates a story as words and letters are important and beautiful to me; a touch of elegance and/or the ornate; a sense of chaotic movement; bold colors and ideas and an aspect of dark emotion (perhaps even morbid humor) and deep passions. How can I use these elements to create something that is me and that has the quality I desire? That is the question.

I have a circus themed ATC I am working on right now and I have decided to deal with elephants. For some reason I have this idea of an elephant feeling demeaned and angered by how it must pose, perform and is treated with little care for all her effort. I have named my fictional elephant Jade. I think for this theme I will also carve an elephant stamp--it is amazingly fun and gratifying to carve stamps. At right is a little of my preliminary planning for the circus ATC's (by the way the handwriting is the handwriting I have when it is for myself--it is a bit messier).

The other theme in October is orange. Now, I am a lover of orange, but I haven't a clue what my handle is on the color. I think it may be the 1970's...I keep thinking of the oranges found in the decor then (not to mention shag carpeting, macramé, owls, wooden beads, dark wood paneling, avocado green and harvest gold appliances and zigzags) and how many of my peers are now inspired by those same colors from their childhood and the reemergence of the popularity of orange in interior decorating.

In my search of Edward Gorey's illustrations (one of my favorites), I found Reusch Sketchbooks, a blog of an artist who posts images from his numerous sketchbooks. I haven't had a chance to at too many of his art, but what I have is intriguing to me. I especially like the first two sketches on the
Monday, March 5, 2007 entry on first glance.

See Spot Run

2007-09-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

On the second hour of The Diane Rehm Show (yes, it is on NPR) the subject was the emotional life of dogs (the guest was Patricia B. McConnell author of For the Love of a Dog: Understanding Emotion in You and Your Best Friend). I am slightly (okay, more than slightly) consumed with my dogs. I bore the hell out of people by talking about them, but since so much of my life is about dealing with them I don't know how I could not.... I do have other topics on my mind and I can converse about just about anything (notice I did not say intelligently as I am pretty unknowledgeable about an innumerable amount of things) as I am willing to learn about new things, yet I tend to come back to my dogs. You can imagine then how interested I was in a radio show devoted to what my dogs are feeling. It looks like I will be watching my dogs even more intently to discover signs of their emotions and also it would be helpful for me to watch human behavior.

I wish people were as easy as dogs to pin down and that they tolerated you to investigate them. Here is what I imagine such a conversation would go if I were to ask someone for permission: "Hey, Bob, would you mind if I followed you around and watched how you interact with others and in daily life so I can better understand you and human behavior, motivation, conversation, thoughts, emotions--basically the sum of life is all? Surely you would be fine with me taking notes and staring at your face for facial movement? And then asked you repeatedly what you are feeling in that moment? What your motivation is? You wouldn't mind the intrusion, right? That isn't really creepy, is it?" How could Bob not give me an enthusiastic yes? I have a feeling (oh, how intuitive am I?) Bob would more than likely run like the hounds of hell were after him. Still, if there were game Bobs or Jennies--their female counterparts--it would be so helpful. Yet, humans aren't like that. We aren't that open or easy to understand even to ourselves and it is certainly not simple to explain ourselves to someone else no matter how willing and nonjudgmental they are.

So much of life is hiding and masking our vulnerabilities, our idiosyncrasies, our flaws, our fears, our emotions and even our strengths that I wonder if we fully understand how we are also fundamentally alike and what makes each person an individual?

My last entry I mentioned how I often feel guilt...I am beginning to understand why I do. I try to place myself in other people's shoes and to ever remain cognizant that each person are dealing with their own set of conditions and that they are just as important in this world at large as I am. I want to abate hurt whenever possible and make people feel they are understood and to help them to either realize or reaffirm that they are valuable. I like to be a peacemaker. I strive to be a soothing influence and this is a colossal ideal--to be beneficial to everyone I encounter (of course the extent would vary greatly--for a stranger I might just be a girl who smiled at them or opened the door for them and for a close friend I ideally am someone who accepts them for who they are and they trust will value who they are). That is who I want to be. Yes, I desire to be liked by everyone because of the opportunities it affords me. I am welcome to ease troubles amongst groups or friends because I am on good terms with each party and I care about each of them. For me to not feel concerned about how another feels and how something I did or did not do impacted them would be analogous (in my little world) to me dismissing them. It would betray a sacred truth I rely on to define who I am.

Yes, there is a certain arrogance in my assumptions and the role I have cast myself into, but we must all aspire to something more to make a contribution.

Lost in Translation

2007-09-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

I spoke with a friend I met online for the first time on the phone last night and it is really incredible to finally hear her voice rather than only read what she types. She is completely lovely on the phone. I happen to like to talk to people on the phone, but I also have many problems I am dealing with whenever I engage in a conversation. Is there such a thing as audio dyslexia? At times I have to work rather hard to properly process sounds into meaning and I never know when I will have a very tough time of it. I realize I am using a lot of guessing when I communicate (I often have to play something in my mind several times before I figure out what was said and how to reply) and I there are times when I will hear words I can't understand or guess correctly without unfortunately having someone repeat themselves until the connection is made in my mind. I feel so embarrassed about it and hope they realize the blame is mine and not theirs.

I have a feeling I am not being very clear...for instance there was one occasion when my sister spoke to me and it was like she spoke a foreign language. I heard the words, but they were not being converted into any sort of sense. My cheeks heated up and I became rather scared that my capacity for hearing sounds and then translating them into language was completely deserting me. I kept having her repeat herself and I tried to tell her that I could not understand her at all because of some malfunction in my own brain rather than her being unclear. I think that occasion really made me understand why I have problems with certain aspects of communication and how much I struggle. There are times when I will be talking to someone and I simply can't find the word I am searching for and it drives me crazy. I find that without some time to mull things over I am at a real disadvantage--I fumble a lot. Sometimes I can accept potentially coming off as a fool and other times it is just too painful for me.

I have to admit that I have been feeling moments of sadness off and on this past week or so. I felt sadness because I missed my extended family after I returned home and I also feel sadness from inadvertently hurting someone and not being able to make it right.

I think I shy away from a lot of human interaction because of the potential of hurt. Now I realize it is actually my own ability to hurt, which I am most concerned about. How do you reconcile hurting someone else? I am at a loss at how to deal with any situation where I hurt someone no matter the reason. I seem to come to terms with it only to be confronted with an onslaught of guilt a day later or ten years later. I wish I could know how to healthfully deal with such situations. Guilt permeates everything causing even good things to be dulled. At least someone can know that if I have wronged him or her in anyway I am paying for it and paying for it some more.

I have the sense that all human interaction is quite delicate and when I am feeling most sensitive I read many things as indicative of an error on my part--I have offended someone somehow or I construe some action of theirs (and it can be completely innocent) as evidence of something I did wrong. I realize that some of my feelings are false, but I often have a hard time figuring out what is true. I have too much information coming at me and I have a difficulty processing it all. I am trying to gauge how I am being received (and trying to adjust as needed), interpret language and meaning, the emotional state and reactions from others, my own emotions and trying to really pay attention to information about each individual I communicate with. Are others likewise overwhelmed and confused? Then I spend days later analyzing what I communicated and what others conveyed which usually only brings up more questions and ambiguity.

Perhaps I am merely exaggerating my own troubles? It is all so complicated and amazing how seemingly simple things are so very mysterious....

Acting Like Glue, or a Rambling Telling of What I Did on My Trip

2007-09-11T16:04:00.000-05:00

I am back in the office this morning after returning home around midnight. Yes, the trip ended up being wonderful, but how could it not when you like everyone you are around and also it is in a part of the country which is majestically beautiful? We drove through the night Wednesday (I should be honest and mention I never drove this trip. I hate driving other people's cars as I have less confidence in my own driving than other people do which I then project on others in order to influence and often undermine their opinion of me--this is a pattern as if I am dodging certain aspects of adulthood in the vain attempt to remain ever youthful and irresponsible) and arrived at my aunt's doorstep early Thursday afternoon. I should warn people that the highways and interstates in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama can be rather rough at times while Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina seem to value smooth roads.

The only aim I had when I reached my aunt's house (other than greeting my grandparents and aunt) was taking a shower. It ended up that my grandparents and aunt were at a doctor's appointment when we arrived so I went straight for the shower missing them when they came home very briefly between appointments. My need to be clean once again causes minor problems. Still, I did end up seeing them a few hours later and they are in much better form and spirits than they have been for a while. Of course I missed the Move which I hear was quite horrendous for everyone involved but most especially for my dad's youngest brother. I don't imagine he will ever read this blog (in all honesty I have not disclosed to any family I do blog--strange how we sometimes keep aspects of ourselves from even those we are closest to), but I still wish to acknowledge the huge effort he made.

Thursday evening my grandparents and aunt took us to a model home similar to the house they are presently building and then we went to their house which is framed in and will soon be sheet rocked. I can't tell you how happy my sister and I were to see how excited and giddy my grandparents are about building their house. My grandpa for all his years still has this childlike smile which lightens his whole face in glee...it is truly an awesome thing to see and warms this blogger's little heart, dear reader. Their house is coming along very nicely and I can't wait to see it when it is complete.

Friday late morning found us all on the road caravanning to the Seabee reunion in North Carolina. The city of Asheville is rather lovely nestled by the Smoky Mountains. Asheville is also a college town with wonderful artistic character and charm. The downtown is peppered with little cafes, shops and galleries. We did walk around downtown a bit and go through several antique shops in search for a dough bowl for my mom (or biscuit bowl as she calls it) and the next day we were triumphant in our quest (that occupied much of our two afternoons in Asheville). Friday afternoon on our return to the hotel there were a few familiar faces: my dad's older brother, his wife and also as a surprise for my grandparents, my uncle and aunt's oldest son and his girlfriend. It ended up that our party of 10 made up a third of the Seabee reunion and we were 4 less in number than last year. I think our family is infamous (be it good or bad) among the regular attendants of the Seabee reunion, so much so that when my dad pulled up in my sister's car with it's Texas license plates the man who organized this year's reunion (his father is a Seabee) who happened to be in the front of the hotel immediately called out our family's name (they know a contingent hails from Texas).

We were a happy bunch Friday evening keeping amongst ourselves in one of the rooms of the hospitality suite, chatting and catching up. By happy accident we all sincerely like each other. We all have our faults, but in the end we are easygoing, intelligent (without being too esoteric), fun people who know how to enjoy family and laugh often and well. I think we feel a little guilty that we have used the Seabee reunion as an excuse for the past few years for a family reunion. In fact it looks like next year we may bypass the Seabee reunion (depending on the grandparents' health otherwise someone will take them) in favor of an actual meeting around the area my grandparents and aunt now live. Still we will miss the great people we encounter at the Seabee reunion and the numbers are decreasing as the years pass. My grandpa was one of the younger of his unit as he went into the Navy at 17 and it is very interesting to listen to the gentlemen speak about their time stationed in the Pacific. My life would have been far poorer for not meeting the men stationed with my grandpa and their families.

On Saturday night there was a banquet for the Seabees including a silent auction. A daughter of a Seabee donated several custom framed items (all really well done by her) to the auction including a lovely Seabee postcard. My dad bid on it (as a gift for my grandpa) only to have my grandpa outbid him, then to be outbid by my ornery, mischievous uncle. I finally outbid them all and won the item only to immediately hand it over to my grandpa. We had a laugh because all the bidding was for naught, but the money did go to a good cause and it will make a good story to tell within the family.

Sunday a bit after noon we once again found ourselves on the road this time returning to Georgia. We all wish to return to Asheville when we have more time to devote to the area and its many options (no, dear reader, I hadn’t even a chance of even seeing Biltmore Estate to my chagrin). I drove with my aunt and grandma home and my aunt arranged for me to be picked up by a friend of hers after she dropped me off from a fantastic used bookstore I had visited on an earlier trip to visit her on college spring break whilst everyone else went to check out the new house. Find me a well stocked bookstore and I am purring with pleasure. My aunt knew it was a grand gift to me to give me that opportunity.

We capped off our final evening by going to a restaurant with my aunt's friend, followed by an evening talking in my aunt's living room laughing about various stories we told. I know that around my father's side of the family I feel more than accepted, I feel wanted as if they had all the options in the world they would still choose me as a family member. Honestly, I feel the same way.

I think this trip really solidified just how important family is to me and also made me more aware of what my position affords me. As a female I believe we usually are the glue of a family (I am not sure if your family is the same, but if a woman doesn't like her in-laws there is just not that much contact unless her husband is mightily forceful about keeping ties with his family) and as I have no significant other (and certainly no children) I have even more of an ability to devote time and effort on the family of my birth while other family members are building their nuclear families. So although I am sad that I seem destined for a perpetual single status for whatever reason, I am not alone in anyway and I can strengthen an already promising and receptive familial bond between our members.

Also, what I acutely noticed during this trip was the fantastic network of friends my aunt has created and fostered. A friend of my aunt wished to extend her hospitality to my sister and I whilst we were in Georgia. She and her husband were extremely gracious and generous to the extent we each had our own room, a bathroom to share between us and hot coffee waiting for us in the morning (my sister dislikes coffee, but I gladly drank a cup as I am not a morning person at all and I was regularly waking up around 7:30 am eastern time--6:30 my time this trip). Of course there was also the other friend who without hesitation picked me up from the bookstore. I am glad I had the chance to meet both of my aunt's friends again. It was fun to try to find a personal thank you gift for our hosts in Asheville (we both did a little investigating of their house to come up with alternatives which we believed they would enjoy--don't worry it was nothing intrusive, just observing our surroundings) and we settled upon a stained glass dragonfly sun-catcher as our hostess had a collection hanging from the windows of their eating area.

Monday morning we were again on the road--our final leg of this trip. We spoke for an hour or so about all we had done and about our family and we all ended up very happy with the trip and the family we were fortunate to be born into.

Ripples

2007-09-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what to write at the moment. I had a fairly busy Labor Day weekend what with completing 44 artist trading cards (this included coloring, sewing, stuffing and a lot of cutting). I made some roasted banana cupcakes one day, helped to move furniture and boxes from one storage unit to another and discovered "Pasadena" a previously unknown (to me) short-lived series which was being played in marathon fashion Monday. The show is fun in that over the top, grandiose way that some dramas have and this one is sarcastic and dark as well. One thing which I found interesting was the main character's ultimate choice between what was morally right and family loyalty. I do wish there was another season for the choice to have been examined a bit more. I wonder how much our intentions matter when we make choices? I studied chaos theory only a little in college, but enough to realize that one choice or action has unforeseen ramifications. In my admittedly limited understanding chaos theory is a lot like karma in that one action be it positive or negative ripples through those around you and ultimately returns back to you with greater force.

This afternoon I will be driving with my dad and sister to Georgia to see my paternal grandparents and aunt (my dad's younger sister) and from there we will caravan to my grandpa's Seabee reunion (I will explain this in my next entry next week) in Asheville, North Carolina. My grandparents chose to love their children and grandchildren without condition and in return they receive deep, but mundane expressions of devotion from their family. My uncles, aunts and cousins helped pack up and move my grandparents to Georgia from Iowa only this past month (although the packing went on for nearly a year). My aunt drove from Georgia to Iowa when necessary. My dad and uncle field any legal problem that arises. I am proud of how my family honors and shows through their continual actions how much they love my grandparents.

As I am the oldest grandchild I have had three decades to know my grandparents from when they were in their early 50's to now in their 80's. My parents gave me the gift when I was younger of sending my sister and me to spend summers in Iowa with my grandparents. Those days are baby blue, powder pink and amber hued in my mind. Happy, pretty, simple and treasured. For the next few days I shall be feeling baby blue, powder pink and amber again and the more recent color of purple.

Dear reader, I hope you are blessed with delightful color.

A Dabble into Music

2007-08-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

I have noticed the marked absence of music here. Maybe the last few years have been a bit too silent and I certainly haven't bought much music in the last few years or maybe because music for me is so incredibly personal...so personal I rarely listen to music I love with others around. I think music can strip away many of our self-protective barriers and I was never one to expose much of anything in plain sight....

What has been playing through my mind recently is "Wild Horses" as sung by The Sundays and the original is stunning by The Rolling Stones--each is haunting and eerie like an undefined ache. If I am completely truthful "Wild Horses" is playing a game of cat and mouse with Stone Temple Pilot's "Big Empty" in my mind (matches well with the Sin City montage).

I can't tell you how many times I listened to the soundtrack to The Crow when I was a teenager. I am one of those people who can listen to the same set of songs or even one song scores of times over until it becomes part of me. I remember in my sophomore or junior year of high school I drove my sister nuts by playing the Sliver soundtrack over and over again. She may have even been desperate enough to say she would buy me another CD.

When I was very little music always played a significant role in my life. As a baby my mother would put the radio on as I slept so that by the time I was 2 or 3 I couldn't fall asleep without the radio. Silence became oppressive and almost frightening as if it awaited something or someone to fill it up. When I began school and experienced sleepovers, I had to teach myself how to allow the silence to lull me to sleep.

I connect people with musical preferences much like I do with movie, television, reading, food or color preferences. When I drove in the car with my parents I identified certain music with each: my dad preferred Cat Stevens, Simon & Garfunkel, The Beatles and Queen...my mornings when he drove us to school were filled with my dad's music--mostly thoughtful, reflective and sprinkled with laughter. My mother on the other hand preferred Donna Summer, The Pointer Sisters, Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Toto, Gloria Estefan and Billy Ocean. I remember her snapping her fingers, cranking up the volume and bouncing a bit to her favorites. My mom was joyous, wild and free as her music lifted her and those around her.

When I began to develop my own identity and taste it started in large part with music. In kindergarten I sought out my own radio station (I wanted to hear "Mickey"which was hugely popular at the time and I love the clip of "Solid Gold" because I used to watch that show) neither my parents listened to and I was introduced to teen pop music. I developed a like for Spandau Ballet and I adored "Only the Lonely" by the Motels. At some point I became a lover of Duran Duran which endured and informed many of my later music preferences (Seven and the Ragged Tiger and Tears for Fear's Songs from the Big Chair were the first tapes I bought for myself).

Tears for Fear leads me to a magnificently sad and poignant rendition of "Mad World" by Gary Jules (the original "Mad World" as performed by Tears for Fear). Tears for Fear reminds me of another song I loved from those days: "Voices Carry" by 'Til Tuesday which happens to have been headed by the wonderful Aimee Mann. The Magnolia soundtrack is one of my favorites because of Aimee Mann--"Save Me" is simply gorgeous (also love the movie). Another song on the Magnolia soundtrack, "The Logical Song" by Supertramp, is an instant flashback to those nights when music was my companion in the dark weaving the sound to all my dreams and hopes of the future.

Hope you enjoy the little traipse through a tiny bit of the music that marks my life, dear reader.

Being Dramatic

2007-08-27T10:31:00.000-05:00

Dear reader, it has been far too long since last I wrote. I have begun and set aside a few starts to an entry...they seem to need a little more time to season, I suppose.

I decided to stay away from the computer for the weekend. I am on the computer for hours on end during the week (for work, of course) and when I get home the computer often is not something I wish to look upon. At times though I find myself sitting at my desk booting up the computer as if the thing mesmerized me. So, I then make a conscious decision to stay away which was quite easy to do. Instead I read a book, went shopping (in the process seeing several friends), spent an evening with my sister and uncle, saw a movie or two (nothing too memorable), made a cabbage salad (I would call it a coleslaw, but others would not) and continued to sort and organize the new studio (yes, I am still dealing with that!).

I have felt amazingly good lately with very little in the way of pity parties, which once upon a time I specialized in. I feel okay being me, although I am still not certain exactly what all that entails (I am okay with that too). Last night I was sorting through some of my extra ATC's (artist trading cards) and found one, which showcases a mother of pearl button. I wrote a very, very short story to go with the button and I reread it last night. I was wryly amused by my story. Oh, the words I used! Words like horrendous and wretched. My sister read it and said there must not have been a dry eye in the bunch and that in my own way I am dramatic. Thank God! Drama means color, vibrancy, interest and flair--I gladly accept that label.

I tend to write a bit (okay, often more than a bit) dramatically. I love adjectives with their power, lushness and grandness and I sprinkle my writing with them. If I am going to write, I don't want the words to be listless. I want the words to whisper, to leap, to shout, to swirl, to peek, to prod or do any other function to capture the attention of my reader and to keep me emotionally connected with what I write. If I write a tad too effusively it is because in writing I become effusive; in writing I am more and free to express a depth of emotion that in person I am too reserved to do (with some exceptions). For some to envelope someone in their love and caring they need a pen and paper. My body is awkward, but I can string together charged words until they encircle and move. Others surpass me with their deftness and skill in writing, but a little talent is more than enough to allow me to do what I need do.

All Because I Searched for "American Beauty"

2007-08-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

In my search for American Beauty among the various films owned, I came across several I hadn't seen or some that caught my notice like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. For some reason Killer Klowns from Outer Space reminded me of a movie I vividly recall watching at my grandparents' house when I was no more than 4 years old (probably with my uncle who was around 16 at the time)...it was about alien/monster men with dark fibrous green skin pretending to be human in order to procreate with human women. The ending scene remains burned in my mind: that of a woman giving birth to a child only to scream in horror when she sees her baby is a monster. For decades I have tried to find out what film I saw so I may see it again. Will I feel sadness for the poor green baby? Will there be a different reaction to the film or will it trigger some embedded reaction? Dear reader, if you have a clue of the name of this movie and tell me you will become my hero!

Along with this movie I have images of The Amityville Horror residing in my brain (especially of an open window suddenly falling upon someone which was something that killed a young brother of a friend of mom). The scariest film for me though was Jaws and I still have not seen the movie again all these years later. The music alone is enough to make my skin crawl and I am not alone. I realize now I may have been more affected by these movies than I thought; perhaps they imprinted a seed of suspicion and of anxiety (although my current phobia of sharks can safely be blamed entirely on Jaws), but I think it was also the time in which I was young and most impressionable....

The mid to later 1970's and early 1980's were a time when it seemed danger and evil lurked behind seemingly pleasant facades and the world was becoming a truly frightening place. There was a rise in violent crime and such fearful things as serial killers, cults, terrorism, gangs, drugs and kidnappings dominating the news. Additionally, at this time the country was still reeling from and wounded by the Vietnam War and Watergate, which created a growing distrust for the government and the enforcers of such a government further deepening the unease. I am not sure if that time was any more dangerous than any other time, but it certainly felt that way.

As I write this the underlying fear I felt as a child resurfaces. Did other children also see the world as one riddled with danger and horror? As a child I would play a game that as long as I was under my covers I was safe. I never kept my closet door open (I still can't). Dreams manufactured by my mind no matter how gruesome were more soothing than reality. As a child, I also worried about child abduction. I had heard enough about it on the news, there were those sensational tv movies about it and my mother told me "true" stories meant to scare me into obedience...they did. One I recall was about a local child who had either wandered away from her mother or became separated from her mother at a department store only to be abducted by a woman and rushed into the department store's bathroom where the stranger quickly cut and dyed the child's hair. Only did the mother's screams and the locking of the department store doors keep the child from being kidnapped. My mom then stressed that everything had happened in a matter of minutes. My mother sincerely feared for such situations and possibilities and wanted me to remain ever vigilant. In conjunction with those present-day fears were also the looming horrors of the Holocaust. My boogieman had a face growing up and he looked remarkably like Adolf Hitler.

Whatever the causes, I harbored distrust and doubt about people and their potential for doing devastating acts against each other. I did not limit my doubt and distrust to others, but also began to see the same patterns in my own thoughts and actions. For many years I feared myself as much as anyone else. I wonder though what are the costs of such caution and legacy of fear? When do you learn to trust? Bad things undoubtedly occur, but it is also harmful to expect the worst to happen. People can be profoundly terrible and yet they can be profoundly magnificent. We make daily decisions weighing dozens of impulses and temptations. We constantly must choose and we are constantly given a new chance to triumph over what makes us small. I try to see the best in people and also accept that they also endure challenges which may sorely test them.

I type, think and say the words “hope” and “wish” quite frequently, because I do hope and wish frequently. My fear of humanity’s failings is now eclipsed by what I believe, hope and an adult’s awareness of the bounty I have received. I have been blessed to experience overwhelming the best in life, nature and people. I think with that gift also comes a responsibility on my part to share such fortune with others so perhaps they might see the possibilities and positive if they are not able to do so. We all need a little hope infused into every day and I hope that by treating others with respect and appreciation I may make their day a little easier and their perception of others a bit brighter.

Saturday night I went out into the backyard with my red dachshund, Dexter, and we each experienced nature around us. While I leaned against the brick exterior of the house, he sat silent. While I stood with my head tilted upwards, he stood looking around him. I felt a rush of goodwill as I looked up into the sky with the canopy of leaves hanging over my head and I wondered if the trees carried messages upon the breeze. I felt small and protected and I hope that is what Dexter feels when he looks up to me. Each of us has someone or something looking up to us even as we, ourselves, crick our necks to see above us.

I am often sent email forwards from friends with funny anecdotes, quizzes, questionnaires or moving messages and I rarely forward them on. I don’t forward them on because I don’t know who or who not to send such things. A forward can put me into a quandary. If I don’t send someone a blessing, am I therefore saying I don’t wish him or her well even when I know they don’t like forwards? If I do, does that mean they are more important to me than someone I don’t exchange forwards with? Oh, the dilemma! I am going to share one with you, dear reader, as I may like the message behind this one most of all:

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough."

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry.

I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?"

"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.

"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?"

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them."

Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

For those who send me forwards: I did pray (623,096), I am Katharine Hepburn and I am grateful that you thought enough of me to send me any email that did not try to sell me something. I think the world of you.

Dear reader, I wish you and all in your life enough.

Choices

2007-08-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

I began a post yesterday evening before I abandoned it all in favor of my bed after a tiring day. By rough day I mean I was visited upon by misfortune thrice: my back began to kill me; my car died when it should have idled; and my Harli was showing signs of having the illness, which Brandy (another elderly poodle) did not survive. Other than physical pain, a little frustration and embarrassment for stalling at a light before my car ran again and a brush with deep sadness and worry over Harli's health I was mainly exhausted, but okay. As if in reward for yesterday's calm, today my back doesn't hurt as much, Harli is right now asking in her demanding, spunky way for food and my car is sitting in my driveway without me needing to drive it. Tonight was a great night with the good company of my sister, a trip to a bookstore (nearly nirvana for me, but that is another story) and a delicious dinner at a local cafe.

Yesterday also marked the 32nd wedding anniversary of my parents. If that isn't cause for a feeling of well-being and awe, what is? My parents' marriage is in no way perfect, but it is strengthened by my parents' resolve, dedication and commitment in each other and in their relationship.

When I was a young teenager I once asked my mom how she fell in love with my dad. At the time her answer profoundly troubled and disturbed my notion of love. After all my parents met while they were both in high school--my mother 15 and my father 18 and I had seen more than enough movies of young love. My mother's answer was that she chose to love my dad. I have often pulled out this memory and examined it...looking at what she said this way and that. As I have grown older (and one can hope wiser) I have also come to appreciate her honest answer to me all the more. Mayhap I am wrong, but what I understand her meaning to be now is that everything is a choice and we must choose to love someone and recommit to them every day even when the bloom of passion has faded or when you are having a bad day or an even worse year.

Dear reade, I applaud my parents and others who are likewise choosing to love each other.

A Quick Bit

2007-08-15T23:43:00.000-05:00

Forgive me for not knowing what to write tonight. I am suffering from another bout of my reoccurring sinus infection (a truth drummed into me is that mucus is GROSS), but this time I actually took the medical advice of my uncle and swallowed some antibiotics--something I really hate to do. I can't remember the last time I took any medication whatsoever. It was only a few years ago I could take aspirin or the like without feeling like a wimp. Why are we taught to bear pain stoically when we have the means to alleviate it without a price to pay? Have I mentioned my avoidance of medication? Or my profound dislike of going to the doctor? It is nearly reckless, but honestly learned from my family. Even my uncle who is a doctor won't go to the doctor himself. That is so typical of my family.... Not much after taking the pills I feel asleep only to awake feeling more exhausted so I think I will return to bed and hope tomorrow morning I feel more the thing.

Wishing you a much healthier day, dear reader!

A Missive's Message

2007-08-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

I think I can safely say 2/3 of my waking hours are spent on correspondence of some sort--I correspond constantly for work and leisure, learning and pleasure. I often forget how much time in the past was dedicated to the art of correspondence. In the days when there were not even telephones a large portion of the day was spent writing to friends and family too far away (only a few miles could take hours to travel to and from) to visit regularly. The now often empty dining room at one time used to be a place someone could write letters.

I rarely pen a note much less a real letter, but I still treasure them. I remember when I was little and I spent the night with my then best friend we would sometimes create stationary using whatever art and craft tools we happened to own--I am positive that some of that stationary is lovingly packed away in some box of mine. A few years back one holiday season during college I made sets of computer generated personalized stationary for my friends and another time I created stationary as graduation gifts for other friends.

When I returned home from college--using some of the stationary friends had given me as gifts through the years knowing my love of stationary--I tried to remain connected to the friends who were more like family than friends during which we shared nearly every dinner together for four years (and much of our time away from studying) by writing them letters. As convenient as email, phones and the like are, there is nothing as personal and heartfelt as a handwritten note, card or letter, nor such a testament of the sender's regard for the person receiving such a missive. Some of the letters I wrote remain in my possession never sent, waiting to be opened by those they are addressed to...little time capsules that once I find again I will send off along with new words of greeting to old friends.

This week I received a lovely thank you note from my college friend whose marriage I had attended just last month and I realized that I should have been the one writing a thank you. Her handmade and handwritten note reminded me of the value and importance of such correspondence and also what our friendship meant to me during college and how much I still value it. Years may have passed, but suddenly I remember who we all used to be, how we lingered over our meals long after the dining hall had emptied of all others and how special a time it was....

I think of these entries a little like those letters only the recipient is you, dear reader, and perhaps my future self when I need a little memory jog.

Exposure

2007-08-13T14:30:00.000-05:00

Admission: I read romance novels and even more damning than that I have read erotic romance novels. My favorites thus far are written by a woman by the name of Robin Schone. They are odd, disturbing and halting books even by my standards. I remember upon first reading The Lover I had to adjust my thoughts in order to grasp the lurching, cryptic narrative and intense, dark and passionate interplay between the hero and heroine.

I think why I like these books so much is that the books are about more than striping of clothing to expose the nude body beneath, but striping of all secrets and defenses until the hero and heroine expose the truth of the character they are to themselves and to each other...they are both so very vulnerable. The books seem more isolated than others in that the world narrows down to one man and one woman and yet they deal with all sorts of damage done by villains or at least three of them do: The Lover; its companion novel, Gabriel's Woman and The Lady's Tutor. These books aren't for the feint of heart or modest-minded. Not only are they carnal (I use this word deliberately rather than any other), they are emotionally raw--the characters need each other in the sense that they would be diminished without the other.

I am reminded of something one of my uncles warned me of when I was around 15 years old about reading romance novels: beware unreal, fantastical expectations. My mind is a strange thing and this avuncular advice coupled with a few other factors lead me to insulated myself from such unreal expectations by believing such things only happened to other people or only in books. I lived with the belief that love was not possible for me and I made choices accordingly. This belief still reverberates and marks my life. To hope for a life like other people, a life in which I am not alone seems presumptuous and foolhardy. In truth reading romance novels is often more torment than comfort, but at least it is fiction. Often real life is crueler to witness. Too often I feel like a beggar watching others feast. Ultimately though aren't I responsible for feeling like this? It is my own fault and only I can change this.

Maybe I am too much of a coward. I think it takes strength and courage to accept and give love. It certainly requires bravery to reveal who you are and let someone else know you. I congratulate anyone who has done just that.

Insomniac Ramblings

2007-08-12T03:29:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. I go through periods of time when my mind is working and I have no off switch (I am lacking the owner’s manual). At these times I am haunted by the past or feel some dread about the future. Sometimes what I am thinking about makes no sense because it is a mélange of indefinable emotions. I have tried writing several different entries tonight (Saturday) and only now have some direction (admittedly rambling) well after 2:00 am on Sunday morning.

Tonight I watched Hot Fuzz (tremendously entertaining British comedy which is close to the magic of Shaun of the Dead although I would have to give the edge to Shaun of the Dead as it is a zombie movie and for whatever reason I truly enjoy zombie flicks) for the first time and followed that with The Matador (rather decent film). Seemingly these two movies don't have too much in common, but I found a congruent theme or perhaps my restless mind only found it because I was gravitating towards such thoughts anyway. The theme I mean is friendship. The protagonists of both films live to work (they may be opposite sides of the law, but that is neither here nor there) and they are rescued quite literally and figuratively by their only friend in the world. In The Matador, the protagonist (an aging hit man played by Pierce Brosnan) and his friend (a salesman played by Greg Kinnear) don't know each other long or all that well before a bond is forged.

I wonder about the moment friendship solidifies and becomes bracing? Why do we feel an immediate kinship and willingness to trust some people and others it may take years to come to realize their importance in our lives? I suppose often it is being receptive to or in need of the connection. Also there is a necessity for reciprocity of need and dependence on each other or at least there is for me.

Conversely, when do friendships deteriorate and fall apart? Can't you remember someone who was so vital to your life 2 years ago only being a whisper of a thought now? Do we change so much? Call me foolish or delusional, but I have always thought I could sense when a friendship of mine was nearly at that point when it crumbles and in the past rather than fight or question my feeling, I have left with no resentment (I hope) on either side. Did I perhaps leave too early? Was too much the coward? Incorrectly read the signals? Or perhaps, dear reader, I analyze too much? Why is it that I have far too many questions and too few answers?

Thankfully documenting all these endless questions has made me tired. Dear reader, I hope I haven't likewise put you to sleep.

Autumn Cleaning

2007-08-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

Many times I have no idea what I am going to write about, or I start on one topic that leads to another. I sometimes begin a post only to save it for later. Some ideas need to ferment and I seem to have quite a few of those (i.e. characters which have been with me since high school). Others need to immediately be expressed or I feel like a jack-in-the-box ready to pop from keeping them to myself. I feel most acutely alone when I don't know who to share my thoughts with...I am not sure if everyone is likewise as compartmentalized as me. I think I do it partly as a way to retain some privacy, partly to protect myself emotionally and at least a little because no matter how hard I try I still feel like a burden.

I am not proud to say that I have dropped friendships throughout my life. I walk away before others do. The catalyst for such shoddy behavior is an inability to accept my own failings. I don't seem to be able to deal with my own disappointment in myself without some destruction. I have a list of regrets so long I could easily fill a dozen notebooks. There are smaller regrets like not sending a birthday email and larger regrets like not being there for someone when I should have as I didn't know how and wasn't big enough to admit just that.

As a child when I was angry I would knock over books or other toys and make a big mess. In the act of cleaning up and organizing the mess I found peace and serenity. In this I am reminded of Kali, the Hindu mother-goddess of death, destruction, creation and rebirth. From fire's ash comes some of the most furtile soil. I don't think I am being sacrilegious when I connect Kali with the Jewish holiday by the name of Yom Kippur, which is the Day of Atonement. Actually the days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur you are supposed to reflect on what you have done and do what can be done to make amends. It is quite like a spiritual and emotional spring-cleaning or rather autumn cleaning. It is a time to rectify all the wrongs done to others from the previous year (or years if you have been accumulating a bigger mess) and a time to begin anew like the phoenix, hopefully more glorious and wise, from the remnants of the past.

I need to do a lot of cleaning, dear reader.

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When I was searching for images under "autumn leaf", I discovered this blog: the seek speaks (you will have to go to the achive to find the October 26, 2005 blog entry to see the leaf that drew me to this blog). I loved looking around at all the blogger's drawings.

Relating

2007-08-09T17:49:00.000-05:00

I am on a minor tare about films. Do I usually saturate my life with films and television? Yes and no. Movies are a consistent element in my life and another realm in which I relate to others and particularly my family. My sister and I have a sort of shorthand language built upon movies, television and books. We tend to have similar tastes although mine stray more into the dark and bizarre and hers into the more Technicolor and Hollywood. For instance I will watch such movies as A Tale of Two Sisters and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and she likes Dirty Dancing (one movie I have never really liked) and has love affairs with certain movies which I like to a certain extent, but don't watch as many times i.e. Bride and Prejudice, Love & Basketball, Daydream Believer (aka The Girl Who Came Late). Don't get me wrong, I also watch some movies way too many times or have them in the background as they give me comfort like a sunny-natured, slightly dense chatty friend. For instance, the cheesiness of Starship Troopers inevitably brightens my mood.

Sometimes we frighten each other by how in tune we are in how we think. Our minds often grab hold of the same archetype or cynical twist on an event. With all we do share, we also are dynamically different or perhaps we only prefer to highlight what makes us each unique. Inevitably you are compared and found wanting in some areas and superior in others. She is far more generous with her time, energy, love and resources and I usually with my judgment, patience and understanding. My sister will not suffer fools and in the right mood I will with some temperance. My sister is a fighter and diligent while I am prone to being easily deterred and distracted. I am naturally more creative and she more organized.

How much do we play up to the roles we have scripted for ourselves or been allotted? I wonder how much I define myself in relation to her? How much of who I am is related to being my sister's older sister? Interesting questions, dear reader, to delve into and explore....

At War with the Inner Critic

2007-08-08T14:19:00.000-05:00

As much as I love the intricacies of planning: research; buying the elements; making lists and devising ideas my plans usually go awry before completion. In a piece of art this usually is a blessing, in all other areas of life this means many things left undone. My intentions are good, but how far can intentions get you?

One thing I always intend to do, but have only accomplished once is making handmade holiday cards for family and friends. Maybe if I start working on my idea now I will design and create a card people will treasure when they receive it in the mail in December. One of the problems with designing a holiday card is that my family and friends have diverse religious affiliations and I need to be sensitive regarding their beliefs. Do I do like that single successful year and do a nondenominational peace card? Or do I different cards with a similar footprint? I still prefer untraditional colors like pink and lime green or robin's egg blue and red for Christmas and turquoise and brown or aqua blue and sea glass green for Hanukkah. What about the other religions?

I look at old cards and such and see so much room for improvement in all I did and do. Yesterday at my monthly artist trading card (ATC) trade, I mentioned how in my recent packing up of my old studio I reviewed some of my ATC's and found them lacking in my opinion. I was not putting down my work so much as that I feel that in me I can do better...that I haven't reached some hidden potential I can only sense and haven't yet been able to exploit. In other words, I haven't found my artistic voice. All these years I have been fumbling around in the attempt to discover my authentic style and I have yet to find it. What I am making still isn't "right" and it doesn't feel entirely like me.

The same can be said for my creative writing. I constantly strive for the sense I have captured the ellusive truth and perhaps I begin anew too soon. I do know I struggle. In fact I struggle each time I write one of these entries as my inner critic finds more fault than good in what I do. If my inner critic had its way each entry would be a masterpiece and therefore never posted as I would be rewriting and revising the blasted thing everyday of my life to polish it until is gleamed like a jewel. Like a jewel it would be slick, cold and hard with no rough edges to make it interesting and human. When I post an entry it is actually a minor triumph for me of sincerity and honesty over a need for perfection. With any creative venture (actually most everything), I am working against my inner critic and my tendency to procrastinate (which I think is a mechanism to blindside my inner critic--I have not the luxury of time and must only do no matter the results).

So, dear reader, I return to my little battle and attempt to conqueror my inner critic long enough to create imperfect, but heartfelt holiday cards in time for the holidays.

P.S. I think I need to name my inner critic...it is about time we were on a first name basis. Any suggestions?

Spirits

2007-08-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

Having been enthralled like many millions by the Harry Potter series, I also became ensnared by children and young adult literature. Today I finished reading Nancy Farmer's The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm set in Zimbabwe in the year of 2194. It is an intriguing future world intermixing such things as: evil genetically engineered blue monkeys; a wasteland being mined for rare plastic; a sequestered preserve in the middle of a bustling city with no modern technology; a mile-high building which is a vertical city in itself and spirits of ancestors, animals and the land. The characters of this delightful book are just as varied and colorful, but, dear reader, you can read more about that yourself by reading the link provided.

What I am most interested in discussing right now is spirits. In the book the living are constantly aware of the spiritual realm. Most important of all the spirits was the mhondoro: the lion spirit or spirit of the land. Everyone living in Zimbabwe belonged to the mhondoro, every creature that had ran, ate, played, hunted, loved and died on the land belonged to the mhondoro.

How many of us now are trying to reconnect with such a spirit in whichever land we call home? No matter how sleek our architecture or how powerful our artificial intelligence we all need to feel connected to the very essence of life in some way. Some of us only need to dig into the moist earth and foster growth, others need to explore the oceans, others pound into dough like their grandmother before them, others may hike trails or search for another bird and still others surround themselves in the sounds, motions and rituals of devotion and worship. What they all search for is a sense of belonging. Belonging necessitates relationships--a sense of community and participation in something greater than the individual.

I am a practical and dubious person when it comes to spirituality and the unexplained, or at least I was. Still, I am moved by more than the tangible. It took generations to create a modern life. Perhaps those before us linger and matter more than we realize. With each person we encounter we imprint a bit of ourselves on them--some more than others. We never know the full impact of a life: how we inspire another and what our words, actions or mere presence means.

It is strange to imagine, dear reader, that your life may impart such significance well into the future...that your spirit joins those before you and will be joined by those following you.

P.S. When I was searching for images using "spirit" as my keyword, I discovered this hauntingly beautiful photograph by Diane Varner (click on link to see the photo). Enjoy clicking through the rest of her photography of nature.

Watery Reflections

2007-08-06T23:14:00.000-05:00

In the shower I ruminate. I am sure there are others who are more pleasantly engaged, but I think. Sometimes the thoughts are refreshing like the hot water hitting my skin and drenching my hair. Other times the thoughts in my mind scald. Still, I think about my life, who I am, of family, of friends, of silly things like cardamom or cartoons, of fairy tales and horrifyingly real issues, of beauty, of ugliness, of greater world issues and small, petty concerns of my own.

Now that I write on this blog I think of possible blog entries: books to discuss, moments in my life I want to capture in words and some images, films to recount, ideas to explore, loves to expose upon and difficulties to address.

Yesterday's shower I reflected upon how sensual and sexy food can be. When I say sexy, I mean the less sexualized meaning--it is seductive, lush and riveting much like how my grandpa calls my purple velour chairs sexy (he calls most things purple "sexy" which always makes me laugh in delight, but more on my grandpa and purple at a later date). This thought germinated from all the magazines, food blogs, cookbooks, food focused shows, food memoirs and photos of food I have consumed in my life not to mention the actual act of tasting, smelling and touching food and yet what really inspired this train of thought was the night before (Saturday night) I caught a bit of Gabriel Iglesias's Hot and Fluffy comedy special in which he highly sexualized his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I felt slightly sick along with amused by the blatant doughnut eroticism, but there is certainly a granule of truth in what he was saying (anyone else remember the green M&M commercial? I am no prude, but I did not want to associate green M&M's and teenage boys fantasies). Food is often a substitute for affection, an expression of interest (chocolates for instance) or a prelude.

For me one magazine exemplifies beauty in food and cooking: Donna Hay Magazine from Australia. The photographs and food styling are so exquisite, simple and tempting I call them food porn (not a term I coined in anyway) as for anyone the least interested in food is immediately craving fresh, flavorful food and for those with even an inkling for cooking will be inspired to experiment in the kitchen. Donna Hay Magazine revitalizes commonplace food like mushrooms, grains of salt or pasta and at least for me, conjures up a childish zeal.

The visual appeal of Donna Hay Magazine led to a bit of reflecting on 300 which I saw Saturday on dvd. I meant to see 300 in the theater like I did Sin City, but for whatever reason it never happened. The story did not stir me all that much, although Spartan culture does interest me (I did take some courses on military history after all). The plot is a common tale of honor, betrayal, love, sacrifice and the reverberations of such sacrifice, but oh, dear reader, visually it is magnificent! As I have stated before, I am easily charmed by what I see and 300 is a feast. Like Sin City, there is great beauty juxtaposed and therefore heightened by great ugliness. The world of 300 is like Greek myth: ripe, terrible, violent, gory, fantastical, powerful, hedonistic and surreal.

During today's shower I thought upon my last entry and the comments. Honesty is often harsh and when someone lets you into their personal thoughts, fears, insecurities and feelings, dear reader, you will find things you do not care for or wish to know. As my mom says, people are sticky. I am no different. In my attempt to become a better person I do venture into the darker realms of my self. Even at the best of times I am not entirely lighthearted. It is my belief that only by understanding, cataloguing and forgiving my faults and who I have been may I be able to accept all of me and improve myself. I have made a lot of progress because I am treating my younger self as I try to treat others: with respect, compassion and acceptance. I am not ashamed of who I was or what I thought. That was how it was. Who I was then allowed me to become who I am now and who I am now will inform who I am to be and dear reader, I have big aspirations. I have always thought a little too big, expected too much and that is more than a little of my problem. Still, not to dream big (and also more than possibly crash hard), no matter the reality and the ramifications, would negate what I am coming to realize is who essentially I am....

I wish I could somehow take notes of the shower mental jaunts because I tend to forget the details much like dreams upon waking. I hope, dear reader, you find rejuvenation or serenity during your next venture the shower or bathtub.

Me, Two Years Ago

2007-08-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

This entry was written on May 25, 2005 when I originally set up this blog and saved for all this time in draft form. I am posting it even though it is a little too raw and insightful about my outlook on my life then and it also isn't a complete post, but it was real and something I experienced. I am amazed at how much I am the same and also different since that day some 2 years ago. It truly is a snapshot into who I was at the moment in time. Dear reader, I hope you too can look back on your life with some kindness towards your younger self and with a little more hope and wisdom.

Due to another blogging site no longer allowing comments without signing up here I am blogging for the first time. Call me selfish and also sadistic because I have nothing to say of any interest to anyone, but still I inflict my writing on others. I can only hope this will be just be a self-indulgence that few people care about.

With that thought in mind, I am going to write what I want to write for my personal edification. Let me begin with the truths I live with. One, I know very little and therefore feel very small and damned stupid most the time. Two, I do not feel my age and never have--when you rarely hit the milestones others usually live by, how do you mark your life and progress? Three, I am constantly in a state of confusion and befuddlement. Three, I am both arrogant and self-depreciating and they feed off each other. Four, I believe in few things. Five, I am completely, utterly emotionally unsavvy--a dog has more sense than I do. Six, I am not certain about anything anymore, if I ever was. Seven, the only constant in my life is inconstancy. Eight, I have no direction. Nine, I am a perfectionist who realizes it is impossible to be perfect and yet can't or won't stop harping on all my faults. Ten, I have innumerable faults and a handful of real positive traits.

Hmm, there seems to be a theme. Mostly that I stumble through life and hate the fact that I stumble. I dislike being imperfect. I dislike emotions...or rather I dislike my emotions. And I am terrible at living. I mean I sometimes see myself objectively and am horrified by inability to do anything. I am paralyzed by a fear of doing something wrong, I no longer do much of anything and therefore I am wasting my life in most people's opinions. When not emeshed in the emotional deluge, I can honestly laugh at how much of a fool I am...I am not funny, but if you were playing a game to see how uninvolved a person can be in their own life I would be a great model. I ponder this, but I do not want to feel it. I am tired of being me. I was tired of being me when I was 4 and it hasn't gotten much better.

Friday

2007-08-03T16:05:00.000-05:00

Dear reader, I typed away yesterday on a draft blog entry and then I lost momentum. My track record had been so beautifully consistent before I let it slip. Ah well, I did warn you that I was an inconsistent person (a dabbler), something I have much lamented about, but am trying to come to terms with at present.

Some of us are just innately erratic--going 0 to 60 one minute in one direction and then going upside down in another minute and then lazing about in yet another moment. I admit it is frustrating and I have on more than one occasion deserved the "flighty" moniker. In fact in middle school when I spent a lot of time out in the sun and had a golden hue, I was dubbed a ditzy blonde airhead. As long as friends also feed me Airhead candies, I didn't mind so much (it was not untrue after all).

It also doesn't help that I am not always present. I don't mean to have my mind focus somewhere beyond or backwards in the past that is where it naturally wanders and it requires an insane amount of will to focus on things I rather not: chores; sorting through my possessions; accounting; future negative ramifications of this precise action or that; car maintenance; maintenance of anything really; contacting someone I feel I have wronged in anyway, etc.

I remember as a teenager faced with the cleaning of the bathrooms every Friday afternoon after school I would be distracted and entranced by things that usually bored me--everything became exotic and mesmerizing when it suddenly became something I shouldn't do. My will is mightily weak, dear reader. I played cards, read books I previously discarded, noticed the patterns on trinkets, organized perfumes in order of height, tested the acoustics of my parents' bathroom and looked in the mirror trying to determine the color of my hair or eyes. All truly inane things another time and place, but on a Friday late afternoon or early evening, so much brighter than scrubbing out the tub or vacuuming the stairs.

Thankfully Fridays nights are now blissfully peaceful. There is nothing I must get done and no chores hanging over my head until the following morning. Fridays I am entirely too tired to worry about anything but relaxation. In this it is good to be an adult.

Have a lovely Friday night, dear reader!

Summer Under the Stars Begins

2007-08-01T11:11:00.000-05:00

During the month of August every year TCM runs its Summer Under the Stars. Each day is dedicated to a chosen movie actor and each year the stars are different although there usually are superstars that show up each year (like Spencer Tracy, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn), although this year there are fewer of these than previous years. Dear reader, I am sure you will be amused to know that I was nearly in raptures when I found out there would be a day dedicated to Vincent Price this year. I am an odd duck.

Summer Under the Stars is kicked off today with renowned raven-haired beauty, Elizabeth Taylor. I grew up believing Elizabeth Taylor one the greatest beauties of all time as my mom was a fan. Through the years I have seen several of Elizabeth Taylor's films from the time she was a young girl through her later years. I enjoy her sultry screen presence in the 1950's and 1960's best. Who can forget Maggie the Cat? Or more recently I saw a deliciously strange Southern gothic film Reflections in a Golden Eye co-starring Marlon Brando which I am convinced was an inspiration for American Beauty.

Before coming into work I caught the tail end (no pun intended) of one of Taylor's earlier films, Courage of Lassie (strangly enough the collie's name in the film was Bill and not Lassie, but you can read more about that if you are interested by clicking the link for the movie) which is one of those child and their dog movies. I feel more than a little sheepish to admit I am easily swayed by the emotional manipulation found in these films. Ah well, I am a sap. I only have to think of the ending scene of My Dog Skip to become damp-eyed.

Oh, and for those who enjoy reading blogs about movies, here is TCM's with several contributors and they cover a gambit of interesting topics related to film: Movie Morlocks.

Prayers Answered

2007-07-31T15:02:00.000-05:00

A quick post to let you know, dear reader, that Harli is doing beautifully according to her vet. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes! Harli I am sure would agree that it made all the difference in the world.

Personality Distilled in Ink

2007-07-31T13:28:00.000-05:00

What do you think about handwriting? Yours? Others? Do you ever see patterns in how someone writes? What can be discovered? Another one of life's mysteries to ponder.

Above is something I wrote up today. The body of most of this post is in the image. Have fun deciphering. Hint: Click on image.

Montage Monday

2007-07-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

I am rather scatterbrained today. I want to do a thousand different things so as a result I am not able to do much of anything. I feel like inside me is a gleaming ball of light moving so quickly it only leaves glowing remnants. Perhaps that will explain how disjointed this blog will be.

This past weekend I have been trying to wade through my old studio. I can only go for about an hour before I want to pound my head against a wall. I am not exaggerating when I say I would prefer giving blood or visiting the dentist than go through the things I have amassed. I am half-convinced that I have some disease that makes collecting a compulsion and throwing away a torturous and painful occurrence. Somehow I imprint way too much significance, emotional meaning and memory onto objects. Much like some cultures believe a soul can be captured in a photograph, I think I may place a little of myself in the objects which I live with day in and day out. I do know I displace how I feel about a person into something they have to given me. I am not properly able to express how I feel to them, so I hold on and treasure something that represents them to me. I am getting better at letting go, but the process is no less agonizing to me. I realize others don’t understand how overwhelmed and lost I feel at these times. They perhaps are not swallowed up by the mundane and I envy them. I have no talent for all the details involved in living.

One of the positive aspects of organizing and sorting accumulated junk is the discovery of misplaced beloved trinkets. In one box that probably dates from 2001, I found high quality color copies of old photographs not used in a scrapbook project. I am going to share some of those photos as for once I did not get that sick, leaden feeling upon seeing my own face. I wasn’t the prettiest or cutest kid out there, but I think I show some spunk in my pictures. Here are a couple of pictures for your viewing pleasure. I believe I was around 4 years old on a trip in Colorado. I was much more stylish in those days than I am now.

Lastly, in my new quest for openness I am going to share something I would usually keep to myself. Harli goes in for her yearly teeth cleaning tomorrow which means she will be put under and there is always the possibility she won’t regain consciousness. Every year I go through facing Harli’s mortality and my anxiety is intensifying with each passing year. Harli is old and my time with her is waning. To tell you the truth, dear reader, I am not sure how I will be able to handle her death. Harli may be the only living being to love me wholeheartedly. Tonight, at least, I will be sticking by my little pup and she, I imagine, will love all the treats I give her although not by being smothered with hugs and kisses.

Film, Part Deux

2007-07-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

Do I continue down my path of movie viewing today? I imagine I will as I did not entirely encapsulate all I wanted to about The Passion of Joan of Arc as I became sidetracked with mentioning facial expressions and the body's motion when conveying information and yet I have a feeling that will always be the case: often there is much more to be said (Me long-winded? Perish the thought!) and I usually go off on tangents. The music written for or inspired by the film is breathtaking and gorgeously evokes the somber, intense tone, religious fervor and medieval period. Silent films are pared down so much that you really notice details (as long as you don't have too much to read and certainly in The Passion of Joan of Arc there is only the sparest of dialogue). As I mentioned earlier I was impressed with the commitment of both subject and star of this film which then led me to wonder about what it meant to be so passionate about something you would endure torture (the director to squeeze a more wrenching and convincing performance from the actress made her kneel for hours on end. I have to wonder if perhaps how voracious this part was led the actress to decide to look elsewhere for a profession), isolation, death and even eternal damnation. I think it high time I read more about Joan of Arc as all I know is gleaned from very distant, indirect sources. Anyone with reading suggestions?

Late Friday night on TCM Underground they had a Roger Corman double feature. Now I am not going to tell you, dear reader, to go out and find these films as only someone who appreciates classic horror (which is often absurd and melodramatic) will enjoy them. Since I happen to be such a person, I did find them amusing. First was A Bucket of Blood starring Dick Miller (also known as Richard Miller) as a very pathetic beatnik-wannabe desperate to fit in at any cost. I believe desperation to be one of the least attractive traits known to man as in the state of desperation a person's very soul and essence is compromised. Desperation has its own smell and sticky, sick sense about it. Miller's character stumbles upon his entrée by accidentally killing a cat and encasing it in clay. I think you may figure out the natural progression when he receives so much praise for the realism of his sculpture. The best things about this film is the satire of the beatnik culture and perhaps artistic elitism in general.

The second film, The Terror, starred an older Boris Karloff and a young Jack Nicholson. I even noticed in the credits a likewise young Francis Coppola as an associate producer. The film contains a count, his trusted servant (played by Dick Miller), creepy castle, vengeful witch and beautiful ghost of a murdered young woman all set during the Napoleonic Wars (dear reader, you may also find it delightful that Nicholson plays a French soldier in Napoleon's army sporting a modern day handgun, if I am not mistaken). One thing struck me was how much more handsome Dick Miller appeared in this second movie than the first. I believe it had everything to do with his character being much more menacing and not in the least bit desperate, but this is only my opinion. Overall, this is not an inspired film, but since I am interested in all things even remotely tied with the Napoleonic era and it seems like a natural predecessor of some of my favorite guilty pleasures (Vincent Price horror movies), I was not displeased with the time spent.

Tonight, is Silent Sunday Night on TCM followed by TCM Imports. I plan on recording these films and enjoying them during the coming week. I hope, dear reader, you are as happily (and easily) entertained!