Leap Day

This is going to be a very short and quite useless post just so I take advantage of being able to have a post on February 29th. I won't have this chance for another 4 years and who knows what the circumstances will be then? Lately I have been thinking a lot of the future not entirely of my volition, but because change is inevitable and evident. Perhaps it is reaching another birthday and everyone else aging yet another year or perhaps it is the situation of what could loom in the future considering my family. I am more cognizant than ever of the obligations I have and what my position in my family means and for once I am not depressed or overwhelmed by what may be.

I hope dear reader that you are doing well this Leap Day. I am doing exceedingly well.

Trio of Movies

I watched three mainstream movies this weekend. I have found that with any movie you can find something substantial and poignant in them (even when you have to really look or it may be the absense of or lack of something which is most remarkable). What you may most notice in any given film is often dependent on where you are at as a person when you watch them.

I finally watched "The Bourne Ultimatum" Saturday night. I have thoroughly enjoyed each movie in the trilogy for their kinetic pace which seems to mimic what must be going on in mind of the protagonist who has lost his memory, but none of his killing instinct and skill. What I took out of the last film is that no matter what you have chosen in the past or even done in the past, at every moment you can choose another path. One of the greatest tragedies is to believe you are without choice and must remain on a fixed course counter to your integrity and ethics.

I watched "A River Runs Through It" again in its entirety Sunday night on TCM. This is Oscar month on TCM where they air Oscar winning and nominated films. I have always enjoyed "A River Runs Through It" for its slower pace and sense of place and the connection with nature. Two things struck me this time watching it: first, Paul, the younger brother who lives life fiercely and wildly appreciates people trying to help him even when he can't accept the help and second, the words the father says in the end which I am probably misquoting: "you can love completely without complete understanding". I think that is something I have noted without properly comprehending. A lot of love is about trust and faith concerning the unknown aspects of others.

Also Sunday night I watched "The Jane Austen Book Club". It is based upon a book of the same name I have been meaning to read since I first heard the author on The Diane Rehm Show when it was first published. Other than being a fairly decent chick flick, there was one scene in which the only guy in the book club is remarking upon Marianne from Sense and Sensibility: "I understand why Colonel Brandon goes for Marianne. It's because she's generous with herself. She's willing to risk her heart. No rules. No fear." For your information, I watched this scene again last night with subtitles to make sure I got it right just for you, dear reader. This bit particularly struck me because I realized that it is perhaps one of the things I most admire in others and yet I am not very generous with myself nor am I much of a risktaker.

Total Eclipse

Remember that oh so (unfortunately) memorable song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (you haven't lived until you have screeched--and yes, it is necessary to screech or wail rather than sing--that song)? Tonight there will be a total lunar eclipse and there will not be another one until late 2010.

I found this lovely visual aid on NASA's eclipse website to help you properly time your eclipse watching.

Spread the Love

I had my little temper tantrum yesterday when I was confronted by how much I still hold myself back and limit myself. It is difficult to contemplate that even if love served itself on a pretty sterling silver platter to me I would probably freak out and fling love as far away as possible. It is also unsettling to realize that I am still very much like I was as a girl who felt more comfortable receiving negative attention than positive. Yet, it is best to be honest and to acknowledge how very responsible I am for my situation--it is the only way to own who I am and who I can become. I thank you, dear reader, for keeping with me even when I am petulant and listening.

Perhaps Valentine's Day is a commercialized holiday (what isn't?), but it does help to remind us that we are surrounded by the love and care of others and we likewise love and care. For those of you experiencing this Valentine's Day single remember that the love professed about during this day need not only be the romantic and passionate sort, but indulge in some self-love, familial love, platonic love and love you share with your beloved pets. For those in your life who hate this holiday (and what it may represent to them) be there for them and feel the enriching warmth of being able to help someone else when you are needed. When you need help go to someone you trust and feel suffused in appreciation because they are there for you.

As a friend wrote to me today: "spread the love with your smile today!" There are those in your life for whom your smile/presence is incandescent.

Cat Lady

I am at the point right now when I haven't a clue what to write--I have no direction. I have started on a few posts this month and then abandoned them because they bored the hell out of me. I have written in my head a pretty pathetic history of my Valentine's Days (it would take about a sentence to sum it all up and is only interesting to someone in the psychology field). To be honest at the moment I don't give a damn how I feel, think, act, react, etc. and I can't see how anyone else would either. I don't feel an impulse or drive to express myself, I don't feel social and I could probably slip away from the world and hibernate for a few months without much of an issue (I have done this in a sense many times in my life). The problem is when I do finally come out of my chosen exile I have to adjust once again--reestablish relationships, make new ones and each year I get older this becomes significantly harder.

It is probably best I don't live on my own or I think I would just lose touch with everyone...I know enough about myself to realize I could very easily end up as that odd loony cat lady. At times I fantasize that I die entirely alone and people think "what a waste of space" or "good riddance" if they think of me at all. There's the truth of it, dear reader: I sometimes feel a queer sense of pride in my isolation, my very oddness or by not following the usual human instincts. I am a little too attracted to destruction, tragedy, ugliness, waste and decay...there is something compelling in both Miss Havisham of Great Expectations and Emily in A Rose for Emily by William Faulkner. What I have always found is that it so much easier to visualize and imagine myself alone than with others.

So, I am trying to make life difficult for myself and stay in the game. Push myself when all I want to do is to sequester. Talk when I want to remain silent. Express myself when I want to close down.

An Experiment: Part I

I forgot to take pictures of my latest ATC's. I will have to do that soon.

I was thinking of part of a presentation I did my senior year in high school for an independent study project I did. I had the audience by consensus create characters for a historical romance. It ended up being a wacky story premise, but fun for all. I wonder how that would work now? I wonder if I still have the forms I used somewhere in my closet...I am sure I do.

I think I may try a similar exercise here. So think upon your story setting: When? Where? What circumstances besmirch our heroine and hero? Let me know what time period, situation and location you would choose. Most of all have fun and make it dramatic.