Friday, November 02, 2007

Holding Back

When I checked my email account this morning I had two comments awaiting me. One from another incredible artist from the Green Pepper Press Network Street Team and then another regarding my "Going to the Draft Pile" from the guy whose cd list I referenced. My first thought was: how amazing is the web when these things can happen? And another was I didn't properly thank him for posting such a comprehensive list and which allowed me to remember. If you have a chance go to his blog--the buKitzone. His most recent post, Reality check, refers to a what a true blogger is according to Matthew Good...I am not going to paraphrase a paraphrase (how do give the proper credit?). Essentially though it is about being authentic and not giving a damn about who may or may not be reading your blog.

I seriously wonder about this statement though. Who doesn't wonder about who is reading what they write? Who isn't at nearly all times reflecting an image of themselves which is not entirely complete? Why do they write? Does opening your whole life and thoughts to others make something more honest or is it merely a compelling need to be seen and heard above others?

I am new to the world of blogging and even when I am involved in something I am never as involved as anyone else (note the title of my blog). I have never been a fanatic about anything or rather I am passionate about a lot of things which makes it impossible to be dedicated to any one thing. My concentration is way too fractured and my commitment level has not been engaged on that level. I don't follow a band or a celebrity. I have never joined a fan club. I will be focused on something for a short time and then my attention is grabbed by something else. Even my so-called obsessions are conditional.

In all ways I hold back. A friend correctly said that about me earlier this week. I hold back to the extent I am not sure what it is I am holding back anymore. Often I hold back because to be a good person at times you must. To be a healing influence you must hold back emotional disturbances. To be a listener you have to bite your tongue. To accept you must withhold judgment. To keep another's secrets you burrow holes within yourself to hide those secrets. To be a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. you keep part of yourself only for them and not for others. To fulfill what others need you may keep your own needs at bay. To be honest I also hold back out of fear, for protection and also for selfish reasons. I will not lie that there is a certain self-righteousness in the act of holding back and pride in being the one to be the person people turn to when they need someone they trust.

Perhaps blogging is about the longing to stop holding back in whatever level or way you decide and to have hope that when you do you find yourself more than you were before....

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