I am trying to keep on top of my correspondence. There are people to write by email, others to send a birthday card, belated wedding card (yes, that is on my list and I have a clue about the design), anniversary cards, etc. Then there are the phone calls. I have a mental list of people to call. I enjoy phone calls, but don't talk too often on them because of the fact that when I do I can talk for hours. I am not sure how appreciative people are of this proclivity so I tend to call rarely.
Correspondence in whatever mode or medium you use is terribly important to remaining connected with not only friends, family and acquaintances, but the community and world at large. Also, as I mentioned in a previous post I am aware of my own responsibility of maintaining relationships, redeveloping those that have slipped away and fostering new ones. I have quite a few more friends from my past to reconnect with or at least attempt to reconnect with as our lives may have moved in too disparate of directions to be any thing more than an acquaintance now. Still, it is worth the effort to convey to someone that they still remain in your thoughts and to acknowledge the meaning they have or had in your life.
In an effort to be prepared for the upcoming holiday card-making extravaganza I am making an effort to be organized and most importantly REMAIN organized. In the past I have been a sprinter making a mad-dash-beginning but falling short of the end, but I am working on becoming a marathon runner who paces herself. I think I become so seduced and dazzled with a larger-than-life image of myself by doing tasks in such a spectacular way that I loose energy, momentum and heart in face of the looming monumental goals I set up for myself. I then let others and myself down. Being an all or nothing sort, one missed birthday and the whole dream falls apart for me. Erosion of self-image, etc. ensues until I feel so embarrassed or ashamed of my inability to complete something I may go so far as not communicate with the person I feel I have disappointed.
For instance, a friend from college had a lovely child more than two years ago (actually he shares a birthday with my sister and another friend of mine). I took a class at my favorite store to learn how to make this certain little scrapbook for the little man as a gift. I began it and it remains incomplete and so now two years have passed without me making a gesture to celebrate this friend's son and instead of just remaining in touch, I did the cowardly thing and remained silent stewing in my guilt and causing perhaps irreparable harm to an important relationship. I forgive myself for being dumb. Now, it is time to actually do something!
When I was in middle school and still went to Sunday School (something I really dreaded), I had this lovely teacher...I can't remember what exactly she taught (we had several classes with different teachers much like regular school), but I remember her saying how she hated the word "sin" and preferred using the euphemism of "missing the mark". I liked that then and I still do. I miss the mark a whole hell of a lot and I am learning how to forgive myself for it and then to make amends. It is all well and good I feel guilty, but what good is the guilt if doesn't motivate me to do better? A therapist told me that my intentions are good, but do I want to have people constantly give me a break because I meant well? It is a pattern I have relied too much on...people usually want to give people a chance for whatever reason and I have taken advantage of that.
I believe I have skated by a lot in life because I have been blessed by too much good fortune. So many things come too easily to me that when I actually had to work for something I didn't know what to do. Rather than work, I often would blame myself for not having the natural ability or avoid it entirely. It was a cop out and it is still something I find myself wanting to do. In the end, it is best to deal with things head on than let them build until they become issues, therefore the need to communicate and follow through.
Tomorrow happens to be World Card Making Day and I, dear reader, plan on making some of those cards that I have intended to make, but haven't done yet.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Love, love, lovE, LOVE
Last night I watched the show I had most anticipated this season: "Pushing Daisies". If you want a summary about the show follow the link as I am pretty atrocious at summarizing (see post about dreams below as evidence). What I can tell you is that I love the luscious, Technicolor look of the show reminiscent to the saturated intensity found in movies like "Nanny McPhee" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". There is a sense you are watching a slightly morbid children's fairy tale which is reinforced by the voice of the narrator (Jim Dale who is the voice for all of the Harry Potter audio books here in the States).
The hero, Ned, is a pie maker with special powers and so very isolated from the world of the living. The heroine, Chuck (aka Charlotte Charles) was Ned's childhood sweetheart (only sweetheart for what I can tell) whom he brought back from the dead in order to solve her murder. There are several other interesting supporting characters. The love story at the heart of the show is sweet and tragic as they can never touch and I think we all wonder (or at least those who watched the show) how they will express their affection without contact. As on critic said, this show is going to explore aspects of love not often touched upon (no pun intended) and perhaps even the nature of love.
I am always curious about love (of all types, but for purposes of this post the romantic variety) the way only a person who hasn't experienced the much lauded emotion can be. I have seen friends and family in love, I have heard the tales of love from friends and family and I have witnessed the erosion of love. Love is as unique as those that experience it. Sometimes the love is selfish or self-serving. Sometimes the love is selfless. Sometimes is seems surprising. Sometimes it seems inevitable in hindsight. Sometimes love is soft and gentle like pale sunshine on a spring day. Sometimes love is harsh and powerful. Sometimes love is nourishing. Sometimes love is harrowing. Sometimes love is affirming. Sometimes love is eternal. Sometimes love is temporary. Sometimes love is without limits. Sometimes love is conditional. Sometimes love is abrasive. Sometimes love is a balm. Sometimes love is suffocating. Sometimes love is freeing. Sometimes love is safe. Sometimes love is dangerous.
Is it little wonder everyone can write so much about such a many-faceted emotion? Is it little wonder that people remain ever fascinated? I have thought long and hard about love because I want to write about it (and if I am honest would like to experience at least once, although I am no good with emotion). How can someone who has never experienced love write about it? Since love is so very different for everyone would it matter if I experienced it when I have to ascribe it to characters that aren't even remotely me? I still have to imagine how a particular character of a certain disposition, experiences, time and place would feel and express love. For anyone who thinks writing a romance of depth, sensitivity and feeling is easy, think again. A few historical romance genre authors surpass others in their ability: Judith Ivory (also known as Judy Cuevas), Laura Kinsale and Patricia Gaffney (she no longer writes historical romance, but her Wyckerley Trilogy is excellent) to name a few.
Asking about love can meet with jubilant and effusive talk, silence or a rant. I always wish to ask about it, to learn how love is for that particular person, but love is personal and some people don't want to discuss it. I wonder if there is a site dedicated to sharing stories about love? That would be fascinating....
By the way, the image found above is of a card I am sending one of my uncles for his birthday. It is a bit feminine, yet I think he will appreciate it nonetheless. I used extra bits I had on my table from making my orange artist trading cards earlier this week and since my uncle likes blue I went with blue and orange. I always wonder what the woman is thinking with her sweet smile...perhaps she is remembering her first kiss or dreaming about who she will love? Then again maybe she is thinking about running through the meadow or dancing or doing sums or she solved a riddle....
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Dabbling into Dreaming
I was thinking in the shower again this morning reviewing some of the nebulous dreams of the previous night and early morning hours. I remember quite a few of my dreams and there are periods when I seem to exert a great deal of energy into dreaming as I will awake exhausted. I wish (like many) I knew what exactly the function of dreaming is...sometimes they are ordinary dreams, others are twisted everyday life and then there are the outright outlandish and fantastical dreams.
My dreaming usually involves many, many strangers with a few people from real life sprinkled in. Sometimes the strangers have reoccurring roles, sometimes not. Sometimes people from real life are themselves as I know them and sometimes not. There seems to be no real rules or boundaries or logic in dreaming. Ghost-possessed dogs are just as acceptable as having friends laugh at you as walk through school only in a short t-shirt that you have your hands tugging down. I rarely remember names or numbers from dreams even when they are significant, so if I do remember I wonder what they mean. Schafer was a name that remained with me this morning, as did some of the images, plot and emotions from the dreams I could recall. Retelling dreams is nearly always a frustrating and baffling effort because dreams aren't like real life that can be encapsulated into the logic of words. Dreaming often involves cues known only to the dreamer. Still, I am going to try (mayhap futilely) to share at least some of what transpired in my dreams last night.
I can tell you one dream began fairly inanely enough. I was searching with my sister for a rug for the studio (which we really are doing) and we went into a store which I believe I have been to before whilst dreaming (the clerk was certainly someone I had dreamt of before and she remembered me and asked me to say hello to two people) where we found a wonderful rug with an orange background and pink, yellow, green and turquoise accents marked down from a large price to under $20. Even in dreams I should have known this was too good to be true. So, we ended up purchasing the rug only to be told that we would have to go to the warehouse to pick up the rug. As we had no idea where the warehouse was a man (who I assumed worked for the store) offered to take me. I became separated from my sister at this point. We drove to the warehouse, which did not look anything like a warehouse, and he went inside with me following. This is when the dream changed...inside the so-called warehouse was dozens of people, very eerily placid and slack-mouth people. I find out the warehouse housed the town's zombies too and they didn't remain docile for long and I found myself running with another normal person (some guy who appeared I guess) and we hid behind boxes, etc. in a room chose at random. Luckily this guy also knew how to find outlets to other rooms through boxes. We climbed in boxes only to appear in another room, finding the rug on the way (I think) and somehow we made it out of the warehouse of horror (that part I don't really recall but it involved some plan). I have skipped some of the more gruesome aspects of the dream that I can vaguely picture. Strangely, enough I don't classify this dream as a nightmare as I have had too many dreams like this one and I realize whilst dreaming it is only a dream....
Another dream though bothers me because of the emotions involved and because I became confused as I began to buy into the dream. In this dream I was talking to a girl when I told her something about myself I suddenly remembered: I was married and divorced at a very young age. My dream self thought wow, I should really include that in my 100 Things (a list I really did do this past week) because it is a really interesting tidbit about my life. In conjunction with this memory of a failed marriage at a VERY young age is also the revelation to me that I had lost a baby (the impetus for such a marriage). Now, I know this didn't really happen, but I have dreamt about this early marriage in a previous dream and every time I think of this hidden past it triggers an emotional amalgamation that is incredibly real: I feel claustrophobic, trapped, confused, pressured, ashamed, afraid, out of control, etc. It is the emotion profile that disturbs me because I have felt it before in real life and yet I can't figure out where or when.
There are two other dreams I remember from this past night/morning concerning a couple of college friends, but they make even less sense than the dreams above...they are more like vignettes that seem to have no real purpose. One involved my friend in Texas, a bedspread from my childhood I lent her in my dream and her passing me her hairbrush that I then cleaned out. I thought about how dark her hair was as I threw it away. The other dream involved my friend in Ohio in which she said how much she hated eating alone (we each were in a station with a computer which reminds me of when I vote, but this time you had to fill in family & personal information rather than which candidate you wished to vote for and we ate at the individual stations) as she was too social and she didn’t like the chorizo that they served. She said next time we eat together (I had the impression that this was some sort of reunion—there were other details in this dream, but they are about the journey from the computers to another place in which my friend disclosed her opinions and they involve a hill, sweeping vistas, and how berries or flowers were planted there—blue on one side of the trail and red on the other).
I wonder what the heck it all means? If you, dear reader, have an idea (and I haven't completely confused you) please let me know or if you just want to share some of your dreams or dream theory, I would love to hear about any of it....
My dreaming usually involves many, many strangers with a few people from real life sprinkled in. Sometimes the strangers have reoccurring roles, sometimes not. Sometimes people from real life are themselves as I know them and sometimes not. There seems to be no real rules or boundaries or logic in dreaming. Ghost-possessed dogs are just as acceptable as having friends laugh at you as walk through school only in a short t-shirt that you have your hands tugging down. I rarely remember names or numbers from dreams even when they are significant, so if I do remember I wonder what they mean. Schafer was a name that remained with me this morning, as did some of the images, plot and emotions from the dreams I could recall. Retelling dreams is nearly always a frustrating and baffling effort because dreams aren't like real life that can be encapsulated into the logic of words. Dreaming often involves cues known only to the dreamer. Still, I am going to try (mayhap futilely) to share at least some of what transpired in my dreams last night.
I can tell you one dream began fairly inanely enough. I was searching with my sister for a rug for the studio (which we really are doing) and we went into a store which I believe I have been to before whilst dreaming (the clerk was certainly someone I had dreamt of before and she remembered me and asked me to say hello to two people) where we found a wonderful rug with an orange background and pink, yellow, green and turquoise accents marked down from a large price to under $20. Even in dreams I should have known this was too good to be true. So, we ended up purchasing the rug only to be told that we would have to go to the warehouse to pick up the rug. As we had no idea where the warehouse was a man (who I assumed worked for the store) offered to take me. I became separated from my sister at this point. We drove to the warehouse, which did not look anything like a warehouse, and he went inside with me following. This is when the dream changed...inside the so-called warehouse was dozens of people, very eerily placid and slack-mouth people. I find out the warehouse housed the town's zombies too and they didn't remain docile for long and I found myself running with another normal person (some guy who appeared I guess) and we hid behind boxes, etc. in a room chose at random. Luckily this guy also knew how to find outlets to other rooms through boxes. We climbed in boxes only to appear in another room, finding the rug on the way (I think) and somehow we made it out of the warehouse of horror (that part I don't really recall but it involved some plan). I have skipped some of the more gruesome aspects of the dream that I can vaguely picture. Strangely, enough I don't classify this dream as a nightmare as I have had too many dreams like this one and I realize whilst dreaming it is only a dream....
Another dream though bothers me because of the emotions involved and because I became confused as I began to buy into the dream. In this dream I was talking to a girl when I told her something about myself I suddenly remembered: I was married and divorced at a very young age. My dream self thought wow, I should really include that in my 100 Things (a list I really did do this past week) because it is a really interesting tidbit about my life. In conjunction with this memory of a failed marriage at a VERY young age is also the revelation to me that I had lost a baby (the impetus for such a marriage). Now, I know this didn't really happen, but I have dreamt about this early marriage in a previous dream and every time I think of this hidden past it triggers an emotional amalgamation that is incredibly real: I feel claustrophobic, trapped, confused, pressured, ashamed, afraid, out of control, etc. It is the emotion profile that disturbs me because I have felt it before in real life and yet I can't figure out where or when.
There are two other dreams I remember from this past night/morning concerning a couple of college friends, but they make even less sense than the dreams above...they are more like vignettes that seem to have no real purpose. One involved my friend in Texas, a bedspread from my childhood I lent her in my dream and her passing me her hairbrush that I then cleaned out. I thought about how dark her hair was as I threw it away. The other dream involved my friend in Ohio in which she said how much she hated eating alone (we each were in a station with a computer which reminds me of when I vote, but this time you had to fill in family & personal information rather than which candidate you wished to vote for and we ate at the individual stations) as she was too social and she didn’t like the chorizo that they served. She said next time we eat together (I had the impression that this was some sort of reunion—there were other details in this dream, but they are about the journey from the computers to another place in which my friend disclosed her opinions and they involve a hill, sweeping vistas, and how berries or flowers were planted there—blue on one side of the trail and red on the other).
I wonder what the heck it all means? If you, dear reader, have an idea (and I haven't completely confused you) please let me know or if you just want to share some of your dreams or dream theory, I would love to hear about any of it....
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Repetition & Reminders
You know I am a neophyte to the world of blogging (and it has been around for years) so (I hope) you will forgive me for being excited that I added a subscription function to this blog. This means you can be informed via email (and other ways I believe) of when I post and also the content of the latest posts. I am not sure if anyone will subscribe, but I use that option when available on blogs I enjoy reading so that I am reminded of them (I do tend to have odd memory problems).
It seems I have a lot more to learn about blogging, but I am going slowly. This is all an experiment for me (much like life): to discover if I have anything to say; to work on my communication skills; to see patterns in all things; to express myself; to play around with ideas and concepts; to connect with others; to find value in the mundane; to keep up with something; to learn; to explore; to find focus and meaning....
I imagine I am reiterating a lot of what I have already written concerning my reason for this blog, but often we need repetition to create a rhythm of memory...a beat our minds can attune to in order to remember a thought or even a conglomeration of ideas creating an ideology. I wonder how much these things are fermented in our dreams? Perhaps images become bookmarks or placeholders.
With time, effort and patience I think I may just learn how to create a dynamic blog. I have found that it takes me a while to find my way, but once I do the possibilities are endless. I hope you remain around for the journey, dear reader. I know you will expand my horizons and maybe--just maybe--I may expand yours.
If you wish to have a reminder about this blog, please subscribe at left.
It seems I have a lot more to learn about blogging, but I am going slowly. This is all an experiment for me (much like life): to discover if I have anything to say; to work on my communication skills; to see patterns in all things; to express myself; to play around with ideas and concepts; to connect with others; to find value in the mundane; to keep up with something; to learn; to explore; to find focus and meaning....
I imagine I am reiterating a lot of what I have already written concerning my reason for this blog, but often we need repetition to create a rhythm of memory...a beat our minds can attune to in order to remember a thought or even a conglomeration of ideas creating an ideology. I wonder how much these things are fermented in our dreams? Perhaps images become bookmarks or placeholders.
With time, effort and patience I think I may just learn how to create a dynamic blog. I have found that it takes me a while to find my way, but once I do the possibilities are endless. I hope you remain around for the journey, dear reader. I know you will expand my horizons and maybe--just maybe--I may expand yours.
If you wish to have a reminder about this blog, please subscribe at left.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Celebrating Life
This Saturday I found myself at another baby shower--actually only my second (my first being this summer and held for the older sister of the woman for whom this particular baby shower was given. I even had a chance to make the acquaintance of the little man that was the reason for the first baby shower. He is unbelievably even tempered like his parents. I wonder what his little girl cousin will be like?). I have also only attended a handful of weddings in my life too. What can I say, either I don't know many people or circumstances mean I can't attend (lived too far away) or didn't know a friend when they married or had babies.
The two baby showers I attended were truly joyous and fun events because of the hostesses, guests of honor and guests. These are generous, warm, happy and creative souls. I have met all of the ladies through a local stamping & paper arts store. This means that there are a slew of handmade cards and gifts, which are passed around for all to see and enthuse about. This particular baby shower was held at the home of a friend who is an extremely gifted multi-media artist with this incredibly colorful, whimsical house that you could spend your life in and still find something new and wondrous to explore. Everything about her house has her mark on it. The colors on the walls are bold with colors like marigold, terra cotta and cobalt blue. There are pillows sewn and created by her on her emerald green couch, art (hers and others) everywhere. Her studio made us all envious: it is large, well organized and brimming with fascinating objects, books, tools and projects. Her front yard and backyard also show her artistry including mosaic pots and garden steps she has made (and fountains made of found objects). Many of us wondered if we could just hang out in her studio, peruse the books and watch her work.
I think one thing we all came away from the baby shower with is that we thoroughly enjoy each other's company and we need to get together more often. In that vein, we are going to have one dinner this month and perhaps more in the future. One of the reasons for the addition was to have plenty of room to entertain friends and family. So far we have only had a couple of dinner parties and two holiday dinners. We try to go all out for the dinner parties, spending hours culling through our vast collection of magazines, cookbooks, newspaper clippings, downloaded recipes and the like. I love the planning process of putting together a menu from different sources designed specifically with the specific guests in mind that makes them coo with delight and feel special for all the care and attention we give to them. We don't play it safe either. We try a set of new recipes that allow us to experiment and try new techniques, flavors and ingredients.
For October's Halloween inspired party we are going to do heavy appetizers rather than a more formal dinner party and also in the works for later this autumn or winter is a party with appetizers, three soups (I adore soup), homemade breads (I adore bread) and cookies & bars (you guessed it, I adore cookies & bars) for dessert. I also want to try a supper club, but that is another things entirely....
I do know one other thing: having these ceremonies bring vitality, brightness, humor, warmth and a sense of the extraordinary to everyday life and makes me aware of what is most important and nurturing when the mundane and dreary tries to take hold.
The two baby showers I attended were truly joyous and fun events because of the hostesses, guests of honor and guests. These are generous, warm, happy and creative souls. I have met all of the ladies through a local stamping & paper arts store. This means that there are a slew of handmade cards and gifts, which are passed around for all to see and enthuse about. This particular baby shower was held at the home of a friend who is an extremely gifted multi-media artist with this incredibly colorful, whimsical house that you could spend your life in and still find something new and wondrous to explore. Everything about her house has her mark on it. The colors on the walls are bold with colors like marigold, terra cotta and cobalt blue. There are pillows sewn and created by her on her emerald green couch, art (hers and others) everywhere. Her studio made us all envious: it is large, well organized and brimming with fascinating objects, books, tools and projects. Her front yard and backyard also show her artistry including mosaic pots and garden steps she has made (and fountains made of found objects). Many of us wondered if we could just hang out in her studio, peruse the books and watch her work.
I think one thing we all came away from the baby shower with is that we thoroughly enjoy each other's company and we need to get together more often. In that vein, we are going to have one dinner this month and perhaps more in the future. One of the reasons for the addition was to have plenty of room to entertain friends and family. So far we have only had a couple of dinner parties and two holiday dinners. We try to go all out for the dinner parties, spending hours culling through our vast collection of magazines, cookbooks, newspaper clippings, downloaded recipes and the like. I love the planning process of putting together a menu from different sources designed specifically with the specific guests in mind that makes them coo with delight and feel special for all the care and attention we give to them. We don't play it safe either. We try a set of new recipes that allow us to experiment and try new techniques, flavors and ingredients.
For October's Halloween inspired party we are going to do heavy appetizers rather than a more formal dinner party and also in the works for later this autumn or winter is a party with appetizers, three soups (I adore soup), homemade breads (I adore bread) and cookies & bars (you guessed it, I adore cookies & bars) for dessert. I also want to try a supper club, but that is another things entirely....
I do know one other thing: having these ceremonies bring vitality, brightness, humor, warmth and a sense of the extraordinary to everyday life and makes me aware of what is most important and nurturing when the mundane and dreary tries to take hold.
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