More Beast than Beauty

On days like this I wish I had guest bloggers or a set theme for days to make writing a full post easier. There is always things to write and yet sometimes I lose my way to how to write the myriad of possible topics.

I was listening to NPR (big surprise) and heard a couple of tv writers (the folks currently striking) discussing how they began working together on college radio. Their radio show only had one phone call the entire time they broadcasted. In fact their audience was so small they skipped one night and no one noticed--not even their boss. One good thing about so few people listening to them was they felt a freedom to try and do anything. They ditched the proscribed format and did what they wanted to do. I think I often feel that way with my blog. A few people read, but not many that it constricts me.

This month on TCM they have guest programmers each night who choose 3 to 4 films and they speak about each film before and after with Robert Osborne (how odd am I that I look forward to Martha Stewart's night?). Actually of all the line up's I think I most identify with Whoopi Goldberg's who kicked off the month. There seemed to be a theme about beauty with her choices and included one of my favorite romances of all times: The Enchanted Cottage about two less than beautiful people (she is supposed to be terribly homely--Dorothy McGuire can never even remotely be that and he, Robert Young, is scarred in World War II) marrying, falling in love and "being transformed".

Whoopi Goldberg's first film choice was La Belle et la Bête. I had seen this film before in high school French class, but I believe I was more impressed with the beauty and ingenuity of the special effects and all visual aspects of the film this time. Even though the dialogue is a bit overwrought, I nonetheless wanted Belle to fall in love with the Beast. I want to have my ideals of love affirmed even if only in fairy tales and fantasy. I feel a great affinity with the Beast whereas Belle is too kind, too loving, too beautiful and too noble to seem more than a lovely dream.

I think I truly took this all to heart. I think I see life too much like the stories I read or see on film. In fact most of my life I have thought I was unworthy of love because I could never live up to the ideal of Belle. There is no fairy tales in which the "ugly" woman is valued for her heart, dignity, intelligence and bravery and finds love--they are nasty stepsisters or evil shrews. Beauty in such tales seems to endue the heroine with virtue whereas ugliness equates a twisted soul. When my physical appearance never met with my high expectations, I thought I had failed. I then cast myself in the role of the cursed Beast and I have to admit I hoped for some male counterpoint to Belle--a Beau I suppose you could say--that would somehow see the beauty within me.

I am altogether too prone to desire to structure my life within a more fantastical frame. I am not sure how wise it is to be so starry-eyed and romantic...I have struggled to suppress such a predilection...is it better to be unconflicted or practical?

Watery Reflections

In the shower I ruminate. I am sure there are others who are more pleasantly engaged, but I think. Sometimes the thoughts are refreshing like the hot water hitting my skin and drenching my hair. Other times the thoughts in my mind scald. Still, I think about my life, who I am, of family, of friends, of silly things like cardamom or cartoons, of fairy tales and horrifyingly real issues, of beauty, of ugliness, of greater world issues and small, petty concerns of my own.

Now that I write on this blog I think of possible blog entries: books to discuss, moments in my life I want to capture in words and some images, films to recount, ideas to explore, loves to expose upon and difficulties to address.

Yesterday's shower I reflected upon how sensual and sexy food can be. When I say sexy, I mean the less sexualized meaning--it is seductive, lush and riveting much like how my grandpa calls my purple velour chairs sexy (he calls most things purple "sexy" which always makes me laugh in delight, but more on my grandpa and purple at a later date). This thought germinated from all the magazines, food blogs, cookbooks, food focused shows, food memoirs and photos of food I have consumed in my life not to mention the actual act of tasting, smelling and touching food and yet what really inspired this train of thought was the night before (Saturday night) I caught a bit of Gabriel Iglesias's Hot and Fluffy comedy special in which he highly sexualized his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I felt slightly sick along with amused by the blatant doughnut eroticism, but there is certainly a granule of truth in what he was saying (anyone else remember the green M&M commercial? I am no prude, but I did not want to associate green M&M's and teenage boys fantasies). Food is often a substitute for affection, an expression of interest (chocolates for instance) or a prelude.

For me one magazine exemplifies beauty in food and cooking: Donna Hay Magazine from Australia. The photographs and food styling are so exquisite, simple and tempting I call them food porn (not a term I coined in anyway) as for anyone the least interested in food is immediately craving fresh, flavorful food and for those with even an inkling for cooking will be inspired to experiment in the kitchen. Donna Hay Magazine revitalizes commonplace food like mushrooms, grains of salt or pasta and at least for me, conjures up a childish zeal.

The visual appeal of Donna Hay Magazine led to a bit of reflecting on 300 which I saw Saturday on dvd. I meant to see 300 in the theater like I did Sin City, but for whatever reason it never happened. The story did not stir me all that much, although Spartan culture does interest me (I did take some courses on military history after all). The plot is a common tale of honor, betrayal, love, sacrifice and the reverberations of such sacrifice, but oh, dear reader, visually it is magnificent! As I have stated before, I am easily charmed by what I see and 300 is a feast. Like Sin City, there is great beauty juxtaposed and therefore heightened by great ugliness. The world of 300 is like Greek myth: ripe, terrible, violent, gory, fantastical, powerful, hedonistic and surreal.

During today's shower I thought upon my last entry and the comments. Honesty is often harsh and when someone lets you into their personal thoughts, fears, insecurities and feelings, dear reader, you will find things you do not care for or wish to know. As my mom says, people are sticky. I am no different. In my attempt to become a better person I do venture into the darker realms of my self. Even at the best of times I am not entirely lighthearted. It is my belief that only by understanding, cataloguing and forgiving my faults and who I have been may I be able to accept all of me and improve myself. I have made a lot of progress because I am treating my younger self as I try to treat others: with respect, compassion and acceptance. I am not ashamed of who I was or what I thought. That was how it was. Who I was then allowed me to become who I am now and who I am now will inform who I am to be and dear reader, I have big aspirations. I have always thought a little too big, expected too much and that is more than a little of my problem. Still, not to dream big (and also more than possibly crash hard), no matter the reality and the ramifications, would negate what I am coming to realize is who essentially I am....

I wish I could somehow take notes of the shower mental jaunts because I tend to forget the details much like dreams upon waking. I hope, dear reader, you find rejuvenation or serenity during your next venture the shower or bathtub.