Bonds

Habit although not a sexy concept is actually necessary for creating strong relationships. There is nothing like seeing someone or talking to someone on a regular basis to foster a sense of closeness. In college I often lived in the same dorm as my friends and ate dinner with them every evening. After graduation we all went our own way and no matter how you look at it we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what each of my friend eats each night, although I do remember which friend nurses a coffee after dinner, which friend dislikes tomatoes, which one doesn't like sour cream and which friend that eats vegetables by choice. Do they still have the same food preferences? This I am not sure of, but if I were in contact with them on a consistent basis perhaps I would be. I haven't actually communicated with any of them for a while other than sending a holiday card. This is a stage in life when friends that live hundreds of miles away usually take a backburner to working on developing a family and local network of friends and career.

When you fall out of step of meeting up with someone or communicating with them your connection loosens and perhaps slips. Some friendships can survive such distance depending on the level of desire to maintain such friendship on both ends, but most simply disappear until one day you no longer know the friend you once knew so well and they fade into a stranger. Therefore of all commitments of time the most important and vital--outside of those to remain vibrantly, authentically ourselves--are those to others we want to remain in our lives. You have to invest consistently into such relationships and they are work...no relationship is without work as much as we wish to delude ourselves. Some seem easier at times. Other times it is hard to push yourself to keep in touch, or at least it is for me because of one reason or another...low energy for instance. You have to consider though--and I am again taking stock what with the new year--who you want in your life and how to strengthen or revitalize slackening bonds.

Lost in Translation

I spoke with a friend I met online for the first time on the phone last night and it is really incredible to finally hear her voice rather than only read what she types. She is completely lovely on the phone. I happen to like to talk to people on the phone, but I also have many problems I am dealing with whenever I engage in a conversation. Is there such a thing as audio dyslexia? At times I have to work rather hard to properly process sounds into meaning and I never know when I will have a very tough time of it. I realize I am using a lot of guessing when I communicate (I often have to play something in my mind several times before I figure out what was said and how to reply) and I there are times when I will hear words I can't understand or guess correctly without unfortunately having someone repeat themselves until the connection is made in my mind. I feel so embarrassed about it and hope they realize the blame is mine and not theirs.

I have a feeling I am not being very clear...for instance there was one occasion when my sister spoke to me and it was like she spoke a foreign language. I heard the words, but they were not being converted into any sort of sense. My cheeks heated up and I became rather scared that my capacity for hearing sounds and then translating them into language was completely deserting me. I kept having her repeat herself and I tried to tell her that I could not understand her at all because of some malfunction in my own brain rather than her being unclear. I think that occasion really made me understand why I have problems with certain aspects of communication and how much I struggle. There are times when I will be talking to someone and I simply can't find the word I am searching for and it drives me crazy. I find that without some time to mull things over I am at a real disadvantage--I fumble a lot. Sometimes I can accept potentially coming off as a fool and other times it is just too painful for me.

I have to admit that I have been feeling moments of sadness off and on this past week or so. I felt sadness because I missed my extended family after I returned home and I also feel sadness from inadvertently hurting someone and not being able to make it right.

I think I shy away from a lot of human interaction because of the potential of hurt. Now I realize it is actually my own ability to hurt, which I am most concerned about. How do you reconcile hurting someone else? I am at a loss at how to deal with any situation where I hurt someone no matter the reason. I seem to come to terms with it only to be confronted with an onslaught of guilt a day later or ten years later. I wish I could know how to healthfully deal with such situations. Guilt permeates everything causing even good things to be dulled. At least someone can know that if I have wronged him or her in anyway I am paying for it and paying for it some more.

I have the sense that all human interaction is quite delicate and when I am feeling most sensitive I read many things as indicative of an error on my part--I have offended someone somehow or I construe some action of theirs (and it can be completely innocent) as evidence of something I did wrong. I realize that some of my feelings are false, but I often have a hard time figuring out what is true. I have too much information coming at me and I have a difficulty processing it all. I am trying to gauge how I am being received (and trying to adjust as needed), interpret language and meaning, the emotional state and reactions from others, my own emotions and trying to really pay attention to information about each individual I communicate with. Are others likewise overwhelmed and confused? Then I spend days later analyzing what I communicated and what others conveyed which usually only brings up more questions and ambiguity.

Perhaps I am merely exaggerating my own troubles? It is all so complicated and amazing how seemingly simple things are so very mysterious....

Relating

I am on a minor tare about films. Do I usually saturate my life with films and television? Yes and no. Movies are a consistent element in my life and another realm in which I relate to others and particularly my family. My sister and I have a sort of shorthand language built upon movies, television and books. We tend to have similar tastes although mine stray more into the dark and bizarre and hers into the more Technicolor and Hollywood. For instance I will watch such movies as A Tale of Two Sisters and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and she likes Dirty Dancing (one movie I have never really liked) and has love affairs with certain movies which I like to a certain extent, but don't watch as many times i.e. Bride and Prejudice, Love & Basketball, Daydream Believer (aka The Girl Who Came Late). Don't get me wrong, I also watch some movies way too many times or have them in the background as they give me comfort like a sunny-natured, slightly dense chatty friend. For instance, the cheesiness of Starship Troopers inevitably brightens my mood.

Sometimes we frighten each other by how in tune we are in how we think. Our minds often grab hold of the same archetype or cynical twist on an event. With all we do share, we also are dynamically different or perhaps we only prefer to highlight what makes us each unique. Inevitably you are compared and found wanting in some areas and superior in others. She is far more generous with her time, energy, love and resources and I usually with my judgment, patience and understanding. My sister will not suffer fools and in the right mood I will with some temperance. My sister is a fighter and diligent while I am prone to being easily deterred and distracted. I am naturally more creative and she more organized.

How much do we play up to the roles we have scripted for ourselves or been allotted? I wonder how much I define myself in relation to her? How much of who I am is related to being my sister's older sister? Interesting questions, dear reader, to delve into and explore....