Stinking

I have come to the realization that I truly stink at being a friend. Hell, I stink at being a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter and a niece. I stink as a student. I stink as a employee. I stink as a patient. Am I having a good pity party? You bet. A huge lavish one. I can throw those like the best of them. I am good at self-pity. I am good at complaining. I am good at being lazy. And I am good at sticking my head in a book and hoping the world passes me by and I disappear into a pile of ash.

Okay, it is time for me to dust myself off and realize it is not the end of the world that I failed. Well, failed pretty miserably in all my relationships. I am not universally abhorred yet only a very flawed person with profound interpersonal difficulties. At least that means I have a lot to improve upon. And I can grovel. It is one of my endearing/annoying traits.

Bonds

Habit although not a sexy concept is actually necessary for creating strong relationships. There is nothing like seeing someone or talking to someone on a regular basis to foster a sense of closeness. In college I often lived in the same dorm as my friends and ate dinner with them every evening. After graduation we all went our own way and no matter how you look at it we are not as close as we once were. I have no idea what each of my friend eats each night, although I do remember which friend nurses a coffee after dinner, which friend dislikes tomatoes, which one doesn't like sour cream and which friend that eats vegetables by choice. Do they still have the same food preferences? This I am not sure of, but if I were in contact with them on a consistent basis perhaps I would be. I haven't actually communicated with any of them for a while other than sending a holiday card. This is a stage in life when friends that live hundreds of miles away usually take a backburner to working on developing a family and local network of friends and career.

When you fall out of step of meeting up with someone or communicating with them your connection loosens and perhaps slips. Some friendships can survive such distance depending on the level of desire to maintain such friendship on both ends, but most simply disappear until one day you no longer know the friend you once knew so well and they fade into a stranger. Therefore of all commitments of time the most important and vital--outside of those to remain vibrantly, authentically ourselves--are those to others we want to remain in our lives. You have to invest consistently into such relationships and they are work...no relationship is without work as much as we wish to delude ourselves. Some seem easier at times. Other times it is hard to push yourself to keep in touch, or at least it is for me because of one reason or another...low energy for instance. You have to consider though--and I am again taking stock what with the new year--who you want in your life and how to strengthen or revitalize slackening bonds.

Choices

I began a post yesterday evening before I abandoned it all in favor of my bed after a tiring day. By rough day I mean I was visited upon by misfortune thrice: my back began to kill me; my car died when it should have idled; and my Harli was showing signs of having the illness, which Brandy (another elderly poodle) did not survive. Other than physical pain, a little frustration and embarrassment for stalling at a light before my car ran again and a brush with deep sadness and worry over Harli's health I was mainly exhausted, but okay. As if in reward for yesterday's calm, today my back doesn't hurt as much, Harli is right now asking in her demanding, spunky way for food and my car is sitting in my driveway without me needing to drive it. Tonight was a great night with the good company of my sister, a trip to a bookstore (nearly nirvana for me, but that is another story) and a delicious dinner at a local cafe.

Yesterday also marked the 32nd wedding anniversary of my parents. If that isn't cause for a feeling of well-being and awe, what is? My parents' marriage is in no way perfect, but it is strengthened by my parents' resolve, dedication and commitment in each other and in their relationship.

When I was a young teenager I once asked my mom how she fell in love with my dad. At the time her answer profoundly troubled and disturbed my notion of love. After all my parents met while they were both in high school--my mother 15 and my father 18 and I had seen more than enough movies of young love. My mother's answer was that she chose to love my dad. I have often pulled out this memory and examined it...looking at what she said this way and that. As I have grown older (and one can hope wiser) I have also come to appreciate her honest answer to me all the more. Mayhap I am wrong, but what I understand her meaning to be now is that everything is a choice and we must choose to love someone and recommit to them every day even when the bloom of passion has faded or when you are having a bad day or an even worse year.

Dear reade, I applaud my parents and others who are likewise choosing to love each other.

Autumn Cleaning

Many times I have no idea what I am going to write about, or I start on one topic that leads to another. I sometimes begin a post only to save it for later. Some ideas need to ferment and I seem to have quite a few of those (i.e. characters which have been with me since high school). Others need to immediately be expressed or I feel like a jack-in-the-box ready to pop from keeping them to myself. I feel most acutely alone when I don't know who to share my thoughts with...I am not sure if everyone is likewise as compartmentalized as me. I think I do it partly as a way to retain some privacy, partly to protect myself emotionally and at least a little because no matter how hard I try I still feel like a burden.

I am not proud to say that I have dropped friendships throughout my life. I walk away before others do. The catalyst for such shoddy behavior is an inability to accept my own failings. I don't seem to be able to deal with my own disappointment in myself without some destruction. I have a list of regrets so long I could easily fill a dozen notebooks. There are smaller regrets like not sending a birthday email and larger regrets like not being there for someone when I should have as I didn't know how and wasn't big enough to admit just that.

As a child when I was angry I would knock over books or other toys and make a big mess. In the act of cleaning up and organizing the mess I found peace and serenity. In this I am reminded of Kali, the Hindu mother-goddess of death, destruction, creation and rebirth. From fire's ash comes some of the most furtile soil. I don't think I am being sacrilegious when I connect Kali with the Jewish holiday by the name of Yom Kippur, which is the Day of Atonement. Actually the days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur you are supposed to reflect on what you have done and do what can be done to make amends. It is quite like a spiritual and emotional spring-cleaning or rather autumn cleaning. It is a time to rectify all the wrongs done to others from the previous year (or years if you have been accumulating a bigger mess) and a time to begin anew like the phoenix, hopefully more glorious and wise, from the remnants of the past.

I need to do a lot of cleaning, dear reader.

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When I was searching for images under "autumn leaf", I discovered this blog: the seek speaks (you will have to go to the achive to find the October 26, 2005 blog entry to see the leaf that drew me to this blog). I loved looking around at all the blogger's drawings.

Relating

I am on a minor tare about films. Do I usually saturate my life with films and television? Yes and no. Movies are a consistent element in my life and another realm in which I relate to others and particularly my family. My sister and I have a sort of shorthand language built upon movies, television and books. We tend to have similar tastes although mine stray more into the dark and bizarre and hers into the more Technicolor and Hollywood. For instance I will watch such movies as A Tale of Two Sisters and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and she likes Dirty Dancing (one movie I have never really liked) and has love affairs with certain movies which I like to a certain extent, but don't watch as many times i.e. Bride and Prejudice, Love & Basketball, Daydream Believer (aka The Girl Who Came Late). Don't get me wrong, I also watch some movies way too many times or have them in the background as they give me comfort like a sunny-natured, slightly dense chatty friend. For instance, the cheesiness of Starship Troopers inevitably brightens my mood.

Sometimes we frighten each other by how in tune we are in how we think. Our minds often grab hold of the same archetype or cynical twist on an event. With all we do share, we also are dynamically different or perhaps we only prefer to highlight what makes us each unique. Inevitably you are compared and found wanting in some areas and superior in others. She is far more generous with her time, energy, love and resources and I usually with my judgment, patience and understanding. My sister will not suffer fools and in the right mood I will with some temperance. My sister is a fighter and diligent while I am prone to being easily deterred and distracted. I am naturally more creative and she more organized.

How much do we play up to the roles we have scripted for ourselves or been allotted? I wonder how much I define myself in relation to her? How much of who I am is related to being my sister's older sister? Interesting questions, dear reader, to delve into and explore....