Friday, August 10, 2007

Autumn Cleaning

Many times I have no idea what I am going to write about, or I start on one topic that leads to another. I sometimes begin a post only to save it for later. Some ideas need to ferment and I seem to have quite a few of those (i.e. characters which have been with me since high school). Others need to immediately be expressed or I feel like a jack-in-the-box ready to pop from keeping them to myself. I feel most acutely alone when I don't know who to share my thoughts with...I am not sure if everyone is likewise as compartmentalized as me. I think I do it partly as a way to retain some privacy, partly to protect myself emotionally and at least a little because no matter how hard I try I still feel like a burden.

I am not proud to say that I have dropped friendships throughout my life. I walk away before others do. The catalyst for such shoddy behavior is an inability to accept my own failings. I don't seem to be able to deal with my own disappointment in myself without some destruction. I have a list of regrets so long I could easily fill a dozen notebooks. There are smaller regrets like not sending a birthday email and larger regrets like not being there for someone when I should have as I didn't know how and wasn't big enough to admit just that.

As a child when I was angry I would knock over books or other toys and make a big mess. In the act of cleaning up and organizing the mess I found peace and serenity. In this I am reminded of Kali, the Hindu mother-goddess of death, destruction, creation and rebirth. From fire's ash comes some of the most furtile soil. I don't think I am being sacrilegious when I connect Kali with the Jewish holiday by the name of Yom Kippur, which is the Day of Atonement. Actually the days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur you are supposed to reflect on what you have done and do what can be done to make amends. It is quite like a spiritual and emotional spring-cleaning or rather autumn cleaning. It is a time to rectify all the wrongs done to others from the previous year (or years if you have been accumulating a bigger mess) and a time to begin anew like the phoenix, hopefully more glorious and wise, from the remnants of the past.

I need to do a lot of cleaning, dear reader.


When I was searching for images under "autumn leaf", I discovered this blog: the seek speaks (you will have to go to the achive to find the October 26, 2005 blog entry to see the leaf that drew me to this blog). I loved looking around at all the blogger's drawings.

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