Saturday, August 04, 2007

Me, Two Years Ago

This entry was written on May 25, 2005 when I originally set up this blog and saved for all this time in draft form. I am posting it even though it is a little too raw and insightful about my outlook on my life then and it also isn't a complete post, but it was real and something I experienced. I am amazed at how much I am the same and also different since that day some 2 years ago. It truly is a snapshot into who I was at the moment in time. Dear reader, I hope you too can look back on your life with some kindness towards your younger self and with a little more hope and wisdom.

Due to another blogging site no longer allowing comments without signing up here I am blogging for the first time. Call me selfish and also sadistic because I have nothing to say of any interest to anyone, but still I inflict my writing on others. I can only hope this will be just be a self-indulgence that few people care about.

With that thought in mind, I am going to write what I want to write for my personal edification. Let me begin with the truths I live with. One, I know very little and therefore feel very small and damned stupid most the time. Two, I do not feel my age and never have--when you rarely hit the milestones others usually live by, how do you mark your life and progress? Three, I am constantly in a state of confusion and befuddlement. Three, I am both arrogant and self-depreciating and they feed off each other. Four, I believe in few things. Five, I am completely, utterly emotionally unsavvy--a dog has more sense than I do. Six, I am not certain about anything anymore, if I ever was. Seven, the only constant in my life is inconstancy. Eight, I have no direction. Nine, I am a perfectionist who realizes it is impossible to be perfect and yet can't or won't stop harping on all my faults. Ten, I have innumerable faults and a handful of real positive traits.

Hmm, there seems to be a theme. Mostly that I stumble through life and hate the fact that I stumble. I dislike being imperfect. I dislike emotions...or rather I dislike my emotions. And I am terrible at living. I mean I sometimes see myself objectively and am horrified by inability to do anything. I am paralyzed by a fear of doing something wrong, I no longer do much of anything and therefore I am wasting my life in most people's opinions. When not emeshed in the emotional deluge, I can honestly laugh at how much of a fool I am...I am not funny, but if you were playing a game to see how uninvolved a person can be in their own life I would be a great model. I ponder this, but I do not want to feel it. I am tired of being me. I was tired of being me when I was 4 and it hasn't gotten much better.


Anonymous said...

Wow, Shay, this entry has really struck a resonant emotional chord with me. It's almost my own feelings about myself. Thank you for being so brave and opening up such hidden thoughts. I find it truly beautiful when such things are so honestly shared.

You've got an amazingly varied blog here that I think really captures so many aspects of life. I'm glad there are people like you in the world, and to be able to read your writings. Don't underestimate yourself. You've got so much power within you, even if sometimes it's clouded by doubt or insecurity. You can do anything. Take care :D

otr said...

I'm not going to second this one or say it has anything to do with my type of feelings. I will never ever EVER understand any of what you wrote then and Hope you do not feel the same today.

The friend I know, the friend I love to talk with and love to hear from.The friend I admire and think is one of the greatest gifts god could give this earth.The friend I wish i could hang out with sometimes. The truth is I really think this earth could use a couple million more people like you. But there is only one shay, one person that fits so wonderfully in the mold.

So I can't understand that blog then or now. And like i would do with any of my friends. Anyone that i cared about I would scold them for thinking such things about ones self. You are truly one of a kind, one of the best friends someone could hope to have.

I would be lying miss texas if I didn't say i was disappointed to know you talked about yourself like that.

I could list 10 things about you that are all positive.But I guess It would be to easy to do and being Americans it is far easier to put ones self down even to friends that see a million little things that makes that person perfect the way they are. That would be too easy I guess.