Lost in Translation

I spoke with a friend I met online for the first time on the phone last night and it is really incredible to finally hear her voice rather than only read what she types. She is completely lovely on the phone. I happen to like to talk to people on the phone, but I also have many problems I am dealing with whenever I engage in a conversation. Is there such a thing as audio dyslexia? At times I have to work rather hard to properly process sounds into meaning and I never know when I will have a very tough time of it. I realize I am using a lot of guessing when I communicate (I often have to play something in my mind several times before I figure out what was said and how to reply) and I there are times when I will hear words I can't understand or guess correctly without unfortunately having someone repeat themselves until the connection is made in my mind. I feel so embarrassed about it and hope they realize the blame is mine and not theirs.

I have a feeling I am not being very clear...for instance there was one occasion when my sister spoke to me and it was like she spoke a foreign language. I heard the words, but they were not being converted into any sort of sense. My cheeks heated up and I became rather scared that my capacity for hearing sounds and then translating them into language was completely deserting me. I kept having her repeat herself and I tried to tell her that I could not understand her at all because of some malfunction in my own brain rather than her being unclear. I think that occasion really made me understand why I have problems with certain aspects of communication and how much I struggle. There are times when I will be talking to someone and I simply can't find the word I am searching for and it drives me crazy. I find that without some time to mull things over I am at a real disadvantage--I fumble a lot. Sometimes I can accept potentially coming off as a fool and other times it is just too painful for me.

I have to admit that I have been feeling moments of sadness off and on this past week or so. I felt sadness because I missed my extended family after I returned home and I also feel sadness from inadvertently hurting someone and not being able to make it right.

I think I shy away from a lot of human interaction because of the potential of hurt. Now I realize it is actually my own ability to hurt, which I am most concerned about. How do you reconcile hurting someone else? I am at a loss at how to deal with any situation where I hurt someone no matter the reason. I seem to come to terms with it only to be confronted with an onslaught of guilt a day later or ten years later. I wish I could know how to healthfully deal with such situations. Guilt permeates everything causing even good things to be dulled. At least someone can know that if I have wronged him or her in anyway I am paying for it and paying for it some more.

I have the sense that all human interaction is quite delicate and when I am feeling most sensitive I read many things as indicative of an error on my part--I have offended someone somehow or I construe some action of theirs (and it can be completely innocent) as evidence of something I did wrong. I realize that some of my feelings are false, but I often have a hard time figuring out what is true. I have too much information coming at me and I have a difficulty processing it all. I am trying to gauge how I am being received (and trying to adjust as needed), interpret language and meaning, the emotional state and reactions from others, my own emotions and trying to really pay attention to information about each individual I communicate with. Are others likewise overwhelmed and confused? Then I spend days later analyzing what I communicated and what others conveyed which usually only brings up more questions and ambiguity.

Perhaps I am merely exaggerating my own troubles? It is all so complicated and amazing how seemingly simple things are so very mysterious....