In Review

I receive various newsletters daily through email (who doesn't?) and one of them recently was from Writer's Digest about tips for blogging. Upon reading their tips I realized I am not blogging according to their tips at all--I am breaking a lot of rules for a successful and popular blog. This includes having a clear purpose or focus for my blog i.e. cooking, politics, books, movies, art or lint if I so choose. One of my failings is that I am not focused hence the name dabbler. If I went according to this tip I would have to have over a dozen blogs and then where would I be? Still, I have considered at least having more of a structure to this blog--I believe it may meander too much and its relevance might be rather limited.

Another tip was to be concise...now sometimes I can be that, but other times I write entirely too much. Yet another tip was to pose questions to my readership to promote interest and interaction. Do I do this? And yet another tip is to frequently and consistently post or you lose readership. Since I have a good half dozen readers I should hate to lose even one of you!

So, dear reader, what are your thoughts? Do you prefer specific blogs? Do you have any suggestions?

Holding Back

When I checked my dabblerextraordinaire@hotmail.com email account this morning I had two comments awaiting me. One from another incredible artist from the Green Pepper Press Network Street Team and then another regarding my "Going to the Draft Pile" from the guy whose cd list I referenced. My first thought was: how amazing is the web when these things can happen? And another was I didn't properly thank him for posting such a comprehensive list and which allowed me to remember. If you have a chance go to his blog--the buKitzone. His most recent post, Reality check, refers to a what a true blogger is according to Matthew Good...I am not going to paraphrase a paraphrase (how do give the proper credit?). Essentially though it is about being authentic and not giving a damn about who may or may not be reading your blog.

I seriously wonder about this statement though. Who doesn't wonder about who is reading what they write? Who isn't at nearly all times reflecting an image of themselves which is not entirely complete? Why do they write? Does opening your whole life and thoughts to others make something more honest or is it merely a compelling need to be seen and heard above others?

I am new to the world of blogging and even when I am involved in something I am never as involved as anyone else (note the title of my blog). I have never been a fanatic about anything or rather I am passionate about a lot of things which makes it impossible to be dedicated to any one thing. My concentration is way too fractured and my commitment level has not been engaged on that level. I don't follow a band or a celebrity. I have never joined a fan club. I will be focused on something for a short time and then my attention is grabbed by something else. Even my so-called obsessions are conditional.

In all ways I hold back. A friend correctly said that about me earlier this week. I hold back to the extent I am not sure what it is I am holding back anymore. Often I hold back because to be a good person at times you must. To be a healing influence you must hold back emotional disturbances. To be a listener you have to bite your tongue. To accept you must withhold judgment. To keep another's secrets you burrow holes within yourself to hide those secrets. To be a good friend, daughter, sister, etc. you keep part of yourself only for them and not for others. To fulfill what others need you may keep your own needs at bay. To be honest I also hold back out of fear, for protection and also for selfish reasons. I will not lie that there is a certain self-righteousness in the act of holding back and pride in being the one to be the person people turn to when they need someone they trust.

Perhaps blogging is about the longing to stop holding back in whatever level or way you decide and to have hope that when you do you find yourself more than you were before....

Going to the Draft Pile

I have 69 posts in various stages of completion. 51 (soon to be 52) of them are posted (and therefore it is to be hoped completed), but I also have 17 posts that are partially done. Sometimes when I am having an off day (like today) I will harvest these draft posts, fill in the holes (like add links and images) or use them to create a new post. Some of them I am not sure will ever see the light of day--they are either too much work to refine or going nowhere. Today I was thinking I would post some images of cards I have made for family for their birthdays in the past couple of months, but it requires more work and energy than I have today.

For your reading pleasure or displeasure here is an example of one of these half-baked posts entitled "A Search" written late at night on October 17, 2007:

I had a sudden compulsion to revisit some of the music (it began with one of my favorite songs from 1996: Cake's "The Distance"--by the way there is a lot of interesting tribute videos for this song you can watch if you have some time to kill) from my first year of college and find one of the songs which used to get under my skin every time I heard it, but I could never remember who it was by or the name. I just spent more than hour scouring the hits from 1995 & 1996 to find it and in the process basically went through a musical time warp. I was finally successful by typing in a list of names of bands that usually sandwiched this particular song on the radio like Cake, Tonic, Local H and Fuel. I found a list here of this person's cd collection and I searched until something hit a chord (no pun intended). Here is the result: "Stuck on You" by Failure (I then stumbled over this cover of Failure's song by Paramore--I like her voice).

Change

I thought this blog needed to be refreshed a bit--I was getting bored and needed something that fit with this time of year (can you guess I was inspired by Halloween?). What do you think, dear reader? I am not sure if I am completely satisfied, but it is certainly different!

Plus, I am excited because this is my 50th post! Yes, I have somehow stretched my little thoughts and experiences that much. I am impressed with my abilities to embellish and ramble on.

Repetition & Reminders

You know I am a neophyte to the world of blogging (and it has been around for years) so (I hope) you will forgive me for being excited that I added a subscription function to this blog. This means you can be informed via email (and other ways I believe) of when I post and also the content of the latest posts. I am not sure if anyone will subscribe, but I use that option when available on blogs I enjoy reading so that I am reminded of them (I do tend to have odd memory problems).

It seems I have a lot more to learn about blogging, but I am going slowly. This is all an experiment for me (much like life): to discover if I have anything to say; to work on my communication skills; to see patterns in all things; to express myself; to play around with ideas and concepts; to connect with others; to find value in the mundane; to keep up with something; to learn; to explore; to find focus and meaning....

I imagine I am reiterating a lot of what I have already written concerning my reason for this blog, but often we need repetition to create a rhythm of memory...a beat our minds can attune to in order to remember a thought or even a conglomeration of ideas creating an ideology. I wonder how much these things are fermented in our dreams? Perhaps images become bookmarks or placeholders.

With time, effort and patience I think I may just learn how to create a dynamic blog. I have found that it takes me a while to find my way, but once I do the possibilities are endless. I hope you remain around for the journey, dear reader. I know you will expand my horizons and maybe--just maybe--I may expand yours.

If you wish to have a reminder about this blog, please subscribe at left.

Autumn Cleaning

Many times I have no idea what I am going to write about, or I start on one topic that leads to another. I sometimes begin a post only to save it for later. Some ideas need to ferment and I seem to have quite a few of those (i.e. characters which have been with me since high school). Others need to immediately be expressed or I feel like a jack-in-the-box ready to pop from keeping them to myself. I feel most acutely alone when I don't know who to share my thoughts with...I am not sure if everyone is likewise as compartmentalized as me. I think I do it partly as a way to retain some privacy, partly to protect myself emotionally and at least a little because no matter how hard I try I still feel like a burden.

I am not proud to say that I have dropped friendships throughout my life. I walk away before others do. The catalyst for such shoddy behavior is an inability to accept my own failings. I don't seem to be able to deal with my own disappointment in myself without some destruction. I have a list of regrets so long I could easily fill a dozen notebooks. There are smaller regrets like not sending a birthday email and larger regrets like not being there for someone when I should have as I didn't know how and wasn't big enough to admit just that.

As a child when I was angry I would knock over books or other toys and make a big mess. In the act of cleaning up and organizing the mess I found peace and serenity. In this I am reminded of Kali, the Hindu mother-goddess of death, destruction, creation and rebirth. From fire's ash comes some of the most furtile soil. I don't think I am being sacrilegious when I connect Kali with the Jewish holiday by the name of Yom Kippur, which is the Day of Atonement. Actually the days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur you are supposed to reflect on what you have done and do what can be done to make amends. It is quite like a spiritual and emotional spring-cleaning or rather autumn cleaning. It is a time to rectify all the wrongs done to others from the previous year (or years if you have been accumulating a bigger mess) and a time to begin anew like the phoenix, hopefully more glorious and wise, from the remnants of the past.

I need to do a lot of cleaning, dear reader.

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When I was searching for images under "autumn leaf", I discovered this blog: the seek speaks (you will have to go to the achive to find the October 26, 2005 blog entry to see the leaf that drew me to this blog). I loved looking around at all the blogger's drawings.

At War with the Inner Critic

As much as I love the intricacies of planning: research; buying the elements; making lists and devising ideas my plans usually go awry before completion. In a piece of art this usually is a blessing, in all other areas of life this means many things left undone. My intentions are good, but how far can intentions get you?

One thing I always intend to do, but have only accomplished once is making handmade holiday cards for family and friends. Maybe if I start working on my idea now I will design and create a card people will treasure when they receive it in the mail in December. One of the problems with designing a holiday card is that my family and friends have diverse religious affiliations and I need to be sensitive regarding their beliefs. Do I do like that single successful year and do a nondenominational peace card? Or do I different cards with a similar footprint? I still prefer untraditional colors like pink and lime green or robin's egg blue and red for Christmas and turquoise and brown or aqua blue and sea glass green for Hanukkah. What about the other religions?

I look at old cards and such and see so much room for improvement in all I did and do. Yesterday at my monthly artist trading card (ATC) trade, I mentioned how in my recent packing up of my old studio I reviewed some of my ATC's and found them lacking in my opinion. I was not putting down my work so much as that I feel that in me I can do better...that I haven't reached some hidden potential I can only sense and haven't yet been able to exploit. In other words, I haven't found my artistic voice. All these years I have been fumbling around in the attempt to discover my authentic style and I have yet to find it. What I am making still isn't "right" and it doesn't feel entirely like me.

The same can be said for my creative writing. I constantly strive for the sense I have captured the ellusive truth and perhaps I begin anew too soon. I do know I struggle. In fact I struggle each time I write one of these entries as my inner critic finds more fault than good in what I do. If my inner critic had its way each entry would be a masterpiece and therefore never posted as I would be rewriting and revising the blasted thing everyday of my life to polish it until is gleamed like a jewel. Like a jewel it would be slick, cold and hard with no rough edges to make it interesting and human. When I post an entry it is actually a minor triumph for me of sincerity and honesty over a need for perfection. With any creative venture (actually most everything), I am working against my inner critic and my tendency to procrastinate (which I think is a mechanism to blindside my inner critic--I have not the luxury of time and must only do no matter the results).

So, dear reader, I return to my little battle and attempt to conqueror my inner critic long enough to create imperfect, but heartfelt holiday cards in time for the holidays.

P.S. I think I need to name my inner critic...it is about time we were on a first name basis. Any suggestions?

Me, Two Years Ago

This entry was written on May 25, 2005 when I originally set up this blog and saved for all this time in draft form. I am posting it even though it is a little too raw and insightful about my outlook on my life then and it also isn't a complete post, but it was real and something I experienced. I am amazed at how much I am the same and also different since that day some 2 years ago. It truly is a snapshot into who I was at the moment in time. Dear reader, I hope you too can look back on your life with some kindness towards your younger self and with a little more hope and wisdom.

Due to another blogging site no longer allowing comments without signing up here I am blogging for the first time. Call me selfish and also sadistic because I have nothing to say of any interest to anyone, but still I inflict my writing on others. I can only hope this will be just be a self-indulgence that few people care about.

With that thought in mind, I am going to write what I want to write for my personal edification. Let me begin with the truths I live with. One, I know very little and therefore feel very small and damned stupid most the time. Two, I do not feel my age and never have--when you rarely hit the milestones others usually live by, how do you mark your life and progress? Three, I am constantly in a state of confusion and befuddlement. Three, I am both arrogant and self-depreciating and they feed off each other. Four, I believe in few things. Five, I am completely, utterly emotionally unsavvy--a dog has more sense than I do. Six, I am not certain about anything anymore, if I ever was. Seven, the only constant in my life is inconstancy. Eight, I have no direction. Nine, I am a perfectionist who realizes it is impossible to be perfect and yet can't or won't stop harping on all my faults. Ten, I have innumerable faults and a handful of real positive traits.

Hmm, there seems to be a theme. Mostly that I stumble through life and hate the fact that I stumble. I dislike being imperfect. I dislike emotions...or rather I dislike my emotions. And I am terrible at living. I mean I sometimes see myself objectively and am horrified by inability to do anything. I am paralyzed by a fear of doing something wrong, I no longer do much of anything and therefore I am wasting my life in most people's opinions. When not emeshed in the emotional deluge, I can honestly laugh at how much of a fool I am...I am not funny, but if you were playing a game to see how uninvolved a person can be in their own life I would be a great model. I ponder this, but I do not want to feel it. I am tired of being me. I was tired of being me when I was 4 and it hasn't gotten much better.

Friday

Dear reader, I typed away yesterday on a draft blog entry and then I lost momentum. My track record had been so beautifully consistent before I let it slip. Ah well, I did warn you that I was an inconsistent person (a dabbler), something I have much lamented about, but am trying to come to terms with at present.

Some of us are just innately erratic--going 0 to 60 one minute in one direction and then going upside down in another minute and then lazing about in yet another moment. I admit it is frustrating and I have on more than one occasion deserved the "flighty" moniker. In fact in middle school when I spent a lot of time out in the sun and had a golden hue, I was dubbed a ditzy blonde airhead. As long as friends also feed me Airhead candies, I didn't mind so much (it was not untrue after all).

It also doesn't help that I am not always present. I don't mean to have my mind focus somewhere beyond or backwards in the past that is where it naturally wanders and it requires an insane amount of will to focus on things I rather not: chores; sorting through my possessions; accounting; future negative ramifications of this precise action or that; car maintenance; maintenance of anything really; contacting someone I feel I have wronged in anyway, etc.

I remember as a teenager faced with the cleaning of the bathrooms every Friday afternoon after school I would be distracted and entranced by things that usually bored me--everything became exotic and mesmerizing when it suddenly became something I shouldn't do. My will is mightily weak, dear reader. I played cards, read books I previously discarded, noticed the patterns on trinkets, organized perfumes in order of height, tested the acoustics of my parents' bathroom and looked in the mirror trying to determine the color of my hair or eyes. All truly inane things another time and place, but on a Friday late afternoon or early evening, so much brighter than scrubbing out the tub or vacuuming the stairs.

Thankfully Fridays nights are now blissfully peaceful. There is nothing I must get done and no chores hanging over my head until the following morning. Fridays I am entirely too tired to worry about anything but relaxation. In this it is good to be an adult.

Have a lovely Friday night, dear reader!

Commenting on Commenting & Film, Part I of Many

First, about the blog: Do I read the comments? Someone asked me this question and the answer is YES! I savor the comments by those kind enough to leave them. I haven't yet replied to the comments as I am not sure how I wish to handle them. For me nothing is simple. Do I answer each comment like I would an email or message (for anyone familiar with how I write when I am focused you may realize why I hesitate to do just this--I tend to be the equivalent of an avalanche)? For those people I correspond with (at this point only friends are commenting), do I reply to them personally off the blog? Or do I read the comment, ponder them and perhaps use them as inspiration or the like for future posts? For instance, I am not sure he is aware of it, but Eric was the impetus of the Public vs. Private post. An "anonymous" commenter posted some suggestions that I may follow in the future. At this point, I am going to mix it up and use my discretion. I did wish to let those who have commented on and off the blog know that I appreciate every word you have written!

Now on to something else: movies. I watch a lot of movies and not all of them are good by even the most liberal of definitions. My philosophy on movies (and books too) is that even by watching lousy movies I am learning to more fully appreciate the better films. At the moment I am trying to catch up on cult films, silent films and foreign films all with the help of one of the best channels on cable: Turner Classic Movies (TCM). I could write an ode here to TCM, but I think the sheer repetition to which I mention it in glowing terms will undoubtedly make apparent the extent to which I am an ardent fan.

Last night I watched a French silent film I had recorded: The Passion of Joan of Arc (or in its original title La Pasion de Jeanne d'Arc). It is a visually beautiful film first of all--stark, haunting, harrowing and naked with music written for the film at a later date, I believe. What most impressed me when watching this film was the commitment and devotion of both Joan of Arc and that depicted by the actual actress. This was the first and last film made by the actress, as I was informed by the ever informed Robert Osborne when he introduced the film, and her performance is considered by many as the best ever captured on film. High praise, but if you ever watch the movie I wonder if you aren't likewise riveted by the raw power of her eyes alone. I contemplated if I had seen another actor invest so much in how their eyes welled up with tears or widened in horror or terror? Something often lost in films since gaining audio is the subtly of movement in as simple as a blinking of the eye, the hardening of a lip or slight slump of the shoulder. We humans betray what we think and feel in those actions...in our individual ticks. The motions and expressions in silent films are often larger and more grand than in life, but you begin to realize how important the body is when understanding emotion and a character. I am sure this is not lost on the stage, but I believe in movies (mayhap mostly those from the States) too many other things detract and distract from such simple facts.

The Passion of Joan of Arc is actually the second French silent I have seen in as many months. Both have been surprisingly enjoyable and I must admit to feeling a bit self-congratulatory about how cultured I consider myself after watching such movies. Now, dear reader, do not worry that I will suddenly become a film snob. Keep in mind that I still watch such gems and masterpieces of cinematic art as Waxworks II: Lost in Time and Joe Dirt with glee. My mind may strive for intellectual depth and emotional resonance and it may also be able to determine the level of quality, yet my little heart is an equalitarian. I am a lover of both brilliance and pure crap.

Long Time Coming

I have had this blog setup for ages and have done nothing with it because I was not sure whether I should jump onto the blog bandwagon. Do I have anything to contribute? Am I worthy of a blog dedicated to me and my life? Is it vain to write a blog? These questions spun around in my mind for more than two years and basically blogging for me is not about proving I have an interesting life or that I am a decent writer. Blogging for me is a way to express and chronicle who I am, the journey it will take to become me and a way to connect all the myriad of in my life. Will this blog be personal? Yes, writing still proves to be the outlet for my thoughts, emotions and the easiest way I can relate with others. Will is be erratic? Undoubtedly as I am erratic. At times I will post several times a day and other times there will probably be weeks between posts. Will it be boring at times or more than sometimes? Yes, and I am learning to accept that.

Once I seriously considered doing a blog I wondered if I should do a topic-specific blog. I have many interests, hobbies and passions and they are as mercurial as the weather. One moment I will be obsessed with art and the next cooking and food in general only to then become obsessed with Greek mythology or the history of a noble family in Scotland or cult films. I will never claim to be an expert at anything for my inconstant attention span makes such a possibility remote. As my blog title states I am a dabbler first and foremost. I like to remain open to possibilities.

There is a long way for me to go and this is a witness as I make my meandering way.

The Dabbler.

P.S. Please feel free to comment, question, suggest, advise and even correct.